tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41613313025292823412024-03-14T10:11:02.296-07:00DarkSider's RealmNo matter if it is a horror, sci-fi, fantasy or an all around bad movie review; our creedo has always remained the same. We aim to give attention to some of Hollywood's most solid bowel movements.
Step right up and test your stomach.DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-8107705733557679872012-01-05T18:21:00.000-08:002012-01-07T17:25:17.878-08:00The ImmortalizerIt truly is amazing what some people do to appear young. Ladies often put on a pound of make up that requires a good chiseling at night to get off. The gentlemen will try to hide that spare tire by throwing on some baggy clothes. Then the cream of the crop is the plastic surgery bunch who have doctors slice and inject away their imperfections. Either way, it all kind of equates to people putting a bandage on the festering wound of aging. In other words, the wound is there and covering it up only makes it worse.<br /><br />Which brings me to the method used by the quack doctors in this film crap I’m about to take on. Matter of fact the film beings with one such procedure being done on a struggling blond. The medical staff proceed to restrain the patient as she is injected with a mysterious green goop. I’m assuming they found the elixir in Herbert West’s basement.<br /><br />After this terrifying (um, I guess) scene, we cut to a local pizzeria where four crazy kids from the 80s are hanging out. Gregg, Darrell, June and Celia are coming off the heals of a ho-hum double date. Gregg and Darrell are apparently brothers. Darrell is a horny jackass while Gregg seems to be the voice of some kind of reason. Of course that means Darrell is going to get knocked off rather early. As for the girls, they’re both equally bimbo-ish.<br /><br />The four decide to take a nice evening stroll down a dark alley which of course leads up to nothing good for them. A few henchmen are waiting with two humanoids that attack the four lovebirds. During the attack, a cop arrives but gets owned by one of the humanoids. The henchmen proceed to back up over his head with their vehicle which in a normal world would crush his skull like a tea cup. However in the idiocy of this film, he gets a small blood trickle instead.<br /><br />Everyone is packed up like produce in the henchmen’s vehicle and taken to a nice looking house in the suburbs. Gregg is the only one still conscious but he decides to play possum for the time being. The kids are hauled out and slapped onto stretchers. Gregg immediately gets up once the room is cleared and tries to revive his counterparts. He notes a voyeur across the street who proves to be not much help.<br /><br />Gregg, apparently not a master of hide and seek, hides in a corner when the nurse comes back into the room. Bruce makes a break for it which leads to a silly time killing cat and mouse game. This eventually leads to him jumping out a window and hiding in the front seat of one of the quack doctor’s car. Once again I must stress playing manhunt with this guy is like shooting ducks in a barrel. Gregg eventually gets away and runs to the police.<br /><br />Somewhere in between all this happy horseshit we get introduced to the medical staff. There is Dr. Devine, his assistant Dr. Price and Nurse Blane all of who are part of the wonderful art of restoring youth to older folks who have a sheedload of money. They are joined by the young and smarmy Dr. Timmons who arrives one night with a resume full of failures. Apparently that doesn't matter seeing they need one more quack to join up with them.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOwtLcqJSMX8MM8bdth4YH1FUln-Lm5XcoemCNhkOHHUYsFo-aYvPbnUZu_qWYF2SqEpx3t9HZxWrvh4BaAFetvUfFMsSz8ikkNT5DwWN4zCL8ofZHDBTisKmMk0ejjigDp6XDnLT5Wa0/s1600/immortalizer1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 256px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOwtLcqJSMX8MM8bdth4YH1FUln-Lm5XcoemCNhkOHHUYsFo-aYvPbnUZu_qWYF2SqEpx3t9HZxWrvh4BaAFetvUfFMsSz8ikkNT5DwWN4zCL8ofZHDBTisKmMk0ejjigDp6XDnLT5Wa0/s400/immortalizer1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341559928956082" border="0" /></a><br />"There's the beef!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Getting back to our…um…hero Gregg, he heads to the local Sheriff’s department. For some odd reason he smashes the station’s window to get the Sheriff’s attention. Yeah, he’s not too bright. Anyhow, he laments about how his friends are going to be killed if he doesn’t rescue them. The Sheriff pretty much assumes he’s a nutcase and locks him up for the evening.<br /><br />Meanwhile back at the funny farm, Dr. Devine explains to Dr. Timmons the method to his madness. The green goop he injects people with accelerates something or other in the body. The only problem is one out of ten folks reject the serum thus turning them either dead or into a mutant. Hence the collection of messed up folks in the place’s basement. Speaking of which, Dr. Devine injects Darrell who ends up rejecting the serum. They leave him in the basement to transform into a messed up human being. In other words, he doesn’t change much mentally.<br /><br />The same day a shrewd old bag named Mrs. Peabody comes in and selects June’s body for some sort of a transplant. What kind of transplant you ask? Apparently Dr. Devine and company, for a healthy cost, transplants brains of older folks into younger bodies. Hmmm…what’s that you ask? A 90 year old brain is one step towards being dead on it’s own? Why yes you’re right! What’s that you ask? The green goop is related how? As for that question I’m sure it’s explained but after all this suspension of disbelief, I decided to tune out.<br /><br />June (who’s actually conscious during these ridiculous explanations) gets selected for surgery. After a brief argument over body rights ( Blane wanted June’s body for her own) , June makes a run for it. Nurse Blaine stops her and June’s blond counterpart ends up being the host body for the old bitty. The surgery is done with what seems about as much safety as walking through a highly populated minefield.<br /><br />Meanwhile, Gregg returns with the Sheriff to investigate the place. Through the magic of ghetto technology, the evil medical staff seals off all evidence of their practices. After an uneventful tour of the house, Gregg escapes from the Sheriff’s grasps. He immediately finds refuge by hiding in a nearby outhouse. Once again let’s hear it for the master of camouflage himself.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiexRPz_6m4K3xQEZsC7Bxi7wxZeRDHCUkOVSLC6FaG4Z7bZ7poib6DiJoQKDXHEJcS4Yjb0tlyD-_PhnfoTmWhAgd0SBTWpg5aRFaUnxKrnm7Z2ewSLG3tzMofJssFwqQebC4Uq46WkRo/s1600/immortalizer2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 224px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiexRPz_6m4K3xQEZsC7Bxi7wxZeRDHCUkOVSLC6FaG4Z7bZ7poib6DiJoQKDXHEJcS4Yjb0tlyD-_PhnfoTmWhAgd0SBTWpg5aRFaUnxKrnm7Z2ewSLG3tzMofJssFwqQebC4Uq46WkRo/s400/immortalizer2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694721135244021458" border="0" /></a><br />"<span style="font-weight: bold;">WOMAN!!!!!!!!</span>"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Still cuffed, Gregg heads over to the house across the street. Here we meet Agnes, the non-helpful voyeur from earlier. She helps Gregg out of the cuffs and tells him about her suspicions of the house across the street. The two put forth a plan to foil the evil medical staff. Their secret weapon of choice is using old school walkie talkies to communicate. Brilliance…anyhow Agnes decides to pose as a potential patient and predictably ends up chomped on by the now mutated Darrell.<br /><br />The film's next sorry 30 minutes serves as a massive excuse to kill time. Basically Gregg finds a handgun in Agnes' house and heads on over. Why she didn't take it along is just a minor stupidity hurting this film. He breaks in through the back door which alerts Dr. Price and Dr. Timmons. The two head to the camera room to monitor Gregg's movement. Dr. Price at this point becomes Captain Evil Laughter and taunts Gregg over the house's loud speaker. Gregg eventually finds himself on a trap door which drops him into the humanoids' den. At this point the viewer should get used to the den because the characters return to it several times in the last parts of the film.<br /><br />Assuming the humanoids will take care of the issue, Dr. Price and Dr. Timmons head back to work with Dr. Devine and Nurse Blane on the day's cases. Like a factory, they import brains from one body to another. They dispose of the discarded brains and body by dumping them into a meat grinder in the den. A meat grinder by the way that never seems to be working in the film. At the end of a very long day, Dr. Devine reveals he only wants Dr. Timmons for his body. Hmmmmmm...that last sentence could be taken a few different ways. But seriously, Dr. Price knocks out Dr. Timmons and for shits and giggles switches his body with Dr. Devine's.<br /><br />Nurse Blane and Dr. Price go on to have a little hanky panky while Dr. Devine recovers in his new body. Nurse Blane bitches about not being transferred into a new body yet. Dr. Price agrees to do this after he discharges the recovered Mrs. Peabody. Perhaps the dumbest thing in the whole film happens during this interlude. Mrs. Peabody in her new body is rather happy but oddly has her old lady voice still remaines. I mean really, how the frig is this possible? Only her brain was transplanted, not her vocal chords.<br /><br />Dumb ass movie........<br /><br />Meanwhile in the basement, Gregg tries to emote to his mutated brother. Eventually with Darrell's help,Gregg is able to escape with the humanoids in tow. The humanoids storm the house while Gregg alerts the Sheriff. Gregg runs into Dr. Price but is rescued by Darrell once again. Darrell gets a shotgun blast to the chest while Gregg escapes into the basement......once fucking again.<br /><br />Nurse Blane decides to get the hell out of Dodge with June's body and the new and improved Dr. Devine. However Gregg arrives to save June after playing another round of hide and seek with Dr. Price. Gregg this time hides behind the inoperable meat grinder in...you guessed it...the basement. Eventually, Darrell arrives to chuck Dr. Price into the meat grinder while Dr. Devine and Nurse Blane escape.<br /><br />The movie wraps up with the Sheriff arriving to clear out the house. Dr. Timmons in Dr. Devine's old body is arrested. Gregg and June are ok but they are PO'd because the main two culprits got away free. Gregg is so PO'd in fact that he breaks the fourth wall for no apparent reason saying "you don't get it" to the audience. I get it Gregg...you probably got paid dick to appear in this film tripe. The last scene forwards to "three months later" where Dr. Devine and Nurse Blane are welcoming a new nursing assistant. Muhahahaha!<br /><br />This film pretty much ends up being the low budget piece of awfulness one would expect from looking at it's cover. The film bounces between a maximum of five different shooting locations. All the while the characters roam around pointlessly for a better portion of the film's run time. The killing fodder is in the form of what was standard in the 80s. Shapely girls with big hair paired with jock looking guys with wavy hair. The antagonists simply ham it up to a point where it becomes annoying. Every mad scientist in film history comes out through them from the bloody scrubs to the evil cackling. Yep, this film has no problem "borrowing" ideas.<br /><br />Speaking of which, as mentioned at some point in this review, the film comes off as the poor man's Reanimator. Yeah I know the plot lines are different but really, all the elements are there and without the proper effects the film falls on it's face. This is a shame because for some odd reason I'm under the belief that if this film was done right, it could very well work. There is something interesting about implanting another person's being in another body to restore youth. However much like a brain transfer, that interest simply had no chance of life here.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:180%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE </span><br />(the a-holes of the film get their moment)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >The Medical Staff</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeJsKcJRQ8jG0Vzr7lTA0gh1VciiLMJPup2JT3j4ncjoWiikryzMh-fS8PPRfsyLCUS8lp_Q3dz-Q1uUDBhYZzd7yHxlEdTRnf8SaFFUOrijGXrtjBb3wn4kXClB3IhOl8Wg6PlEsprag/s1600/immortalizer3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 228px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeJsKcJRQ8jG0Vzr7lTA0gh1VciiLMJPup2JT3j4ncjoWiikryzMh-fS8PPRfsyLCUS8lp_Q3dz-Q1uUDBhYZzd7yHxlEdTRnf8SaFFUOrijGXrtjBb3wn4kXClB3IhOl8Wg6PlEsprag/s400/immortalizer3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695064277652748562" border="0" /></a><br />They were last seen dumping their green goo near<br />four turtles and a rat in the NY City sewer system.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5_GCxYHA2Ba29NTTW2BfDmvowQbJFInmpN9ugkxH5RTE1v7-f3ma0XtagMIT1XFnN-Z0jBCqP8wMHarotV1CJNxFo3Y1MHUT_ntsf7yWy88bL8aD_tm4V1B7nntKrGqNUebU-vUFPmQ/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694341406492229682" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Overall Grade</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZPz8gopbA-aK76TEwPjKhpQWznaf3ixReQ3QuWyJ7UxJj5RtPzMEqrLnfRZlJa1_4J6CWKTc3trKcEDO7fOZI3WD4b7J13P6u8E3DF1MTorlE9MdyWJYevLr10Wxf-q7k7314JZ7e9o/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZPz8gopbA-aK76TEwPjKhpQWznaf3ixReQ3QuWyJ7UxJj5RtPzMEqrLnfRZlJa1_4J6CWKTc3trKcEDO7fOZI3WD4b7J13P6u8E3DF1MTorlE9MdyWJYevLr10Wxf-q7k7314JZ7e9o/s400/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695064767108538594" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZ6AburD8RYSbqxF5OgWUs3zncGOlAfnm4kiVf6QSEgOsdUO8b9QftJZFQuTKq4v0UtXxNVw1UjpCnScjXXsFEcirN0TvI_K4wl6IiIwPcD9EIM4MpQ9o9jntJCKCYPM27g8XyDvo_kg/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZ6AburD8RYSbqxF5OgWUs3zncGOlAfnm4kiVf6QSEgOsdUO8b9QftJZFQuTKq4v0UtXxNVw1UjpCnScjXXsFEcirN0TvI_K4wl6IiIwPcD9EIM4MpQ9o9jntJCKCYPM27g8XyDvo_kg/s400/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5695064994612740898" border="0" /></a><br />All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-78792958637254474542011-10-24T20:08:00.000-07:002011-10-25T17:49:12.783-07:00Trick Or Treat (25th Anniversay Tribute)<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Forward</span>: Indeed its already been 25 years since Skippy from Family Ties donned a mullet and took on the lead role of Eddie Weinbauer in Trick Or Treat. One quarter of a century…frig man, headbangers of the 80s are getting decrepitly old. Instead of chugging whiskey we are all going to be drinking liquid fiber soon. I guess the plus side for us dirty old men is groupies at concerts are half our age.<br /><br />Anyhow, back to Skippy (aka Marc Price) who was about as believable as a headbanger as Mel Gibson was playing Hamlet. Perhaps he wasn’t the perfect choice for the role but somehow managed to capture the perils of the headbanger in the 1980s. See kids before all the obnoxious muscle headed jocks with tribal tattoos took up space at METAL concerts, the headbanger crowd was a desolate bunch. There would be one roaming group in high schools that made up 3% of the student body. Believe me, they got shit on by everybody and their brother. Fellow students would chastise them for their long hair and their choice of music. Teachers would often single them out as hopeless. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they’d go home to hear crap from their parents about the so called evil influences their musical taste had over them.<br /><br />I have to say I wasn’t exactly one to ever wear my hair long or don METAL t-shirts but I had a lot of friends who did. That and I’d be asked constantly why I was hanging out with “the maggots”. Man that’s mean, comparing a human being to a larvae that eats decaying flesh. Well none the less, I saw first hand what wearing your hair long in the 80s meant, especially around a bunch of douchebags who slapped other men’s fannies in the locker room. I mean yeah, the METAL crowd often didn’t realize that their bands were cashing in millions all the while preaching about the evils of a captilist society. Regardless, I never really got why “the maggots” got so much heat. I mean is growing your hair long worse than styling your trimmed hair with a pound of gel in the morning?<br /><br />Nowadays we seem to have a pish posh mix of bands trying to pass themselves off as METAL and it's sad. Granted there are several out there carrying the torch of balls to the wall sound and bad attitude. Still, it really doesn't make up for the whiny, overly produced and almost sentimental crap we hear from so many sources today. I've said it before and I'll say it again...there is NO crying in METAL.<br /><br />So to celebrate, I give to you my uncut review of Trick Or Treat from 2007. METAL FOREVER!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">The DarkSider</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">REVIEWED BY</span>: The DarkSider - 10/26/07<br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: METAL! Yes that’s right you crazy kids, time to shout out that word again while imitating Mr. Dio’s famous hand salute. Trick Or Treat has been one of those films on my back burner for quite some time now. Seeing that the year 2007 saw several roundtables coming about in the bad movie community this, the Halloween theme, proved to be the golden moment for yours truly to take it on. I plan to painfully dissect this film so this could get lengthy.<br /><br />Our METAL adventure begins with the credits rolling over satanic chanting of sorts. I won’t call the “narration rule” into effect here seeing it isn’t quite narration. However, I might as well have by the end of this film. The film opens with shots of a metal head’s room which apparently was put together by someone who read Metal Heads For Idiots. Indeed there are posters plastered everywhere of Judas Priest, Motley Crue, Anthrax and so on for metal heads to cheer for on opening day. I was a bit young when this film came out so I had to wonder what the crowd was like on opening night. Was it filled with long haired guys in all black or were the theaters filled with…well…nobody. I guess those were truly the only two options.<br /><br />The camera pan continues to reveal a hamster (wouldn’t a metal head have something cooler like a scorpion), a few board games and then a huge poster of our lead character’s idol Sammi Curr. Speaking of our lead character…um…oh boy…let me introduce him. This would be Eddie who’s METAL name is Ragman. Who did they get to play this guy? Think back to America’s favorite nerd of the 80s, Skippy on Family Ties. Yep Marc Price. Yes, the nerdy guy who hang out with Alex P. Keaton. I imagine the shock in 1986 to the metal head community was like when people found out that the guy who played Screech was doing an adult video.<br /><br />Although this film took a hit for casting him as the film’s lead metal head, I have to admit they made Price at least look like a metal head. I recall growing up in the 80s listening to metal but never really dressing the part. However I can honestly attest that many of my metal head friends scarily looked like Eddie. Who knows, maybe I was hanging out with poseurs or something.<br /><br />Back to the film, Eddie is writing away in a notebook to Sammi about how life sucks. How bad does it suck? The film shows you in a montage of clips. Eddie gets his milk punctured by bullies, hair messed up by bullies and a whole bunch of other things which aren’t very nice done to him by bullies. The bullies are lead buy a guy named Tim played by Tim Hainey who would later end up playing one of the comatose guys on Desperate Housewives. Yep, a who would have known acting role.<br /><br />Probably the most disturbing event for Eddie is when they toss him out of the locker room naked in front of a bunch of girls. Unfortunately we get to see Skippy’s posterior end in this scene. One of many things I could have gone without seeing in my life. Although this event could have wrecked guys like Eddie as a teenager, I have to admit if there was time Eddie could have gotten laid it was here. Simply play it out and let the chicks see your package. What have you got to lose at this point.<br /><br />Eddie wraps up his note to Sammi saying although he thinks of ending it all, his music keeps him going. Awwwwwww, how sweet. He signs the note and heads downstairs to do some laundry. Of course Eddie sports the mandatory headphones which are blasting METAL. Little does he know a news announcement on Sammi Curr is happening. The oddity of this scene is that the story was billed as a top story of sorts. If this were real life in the mid 80s, not even Rob Halford could have grabbed top headlines. Hell, he’d have to follow stories about small town legislature, union strikes at the local bus depot and a cute fluff story about a skydiving chipmunk until/IF he actually got a mention.<br /><br />We find out through the miracle of back story that Curr was slated to do a concert at his old stomping grounds which would be Eddie’s school. Wow, that’s convenient. However, this was shot down by school administrators. Eddie tunes in just in time to find out that…gasp…Sammi has perished in a hotel fire. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sniff…sniff…this causes Eddie to go on a virtual rampage ripping down posters in his room. Not sure why seeing it wasn’t like Iron Maiden and Slayer lit the fire that killed Curr or anything. Eddie stops his romp when he sees Sammi’s face staring down at him from a poster.<br /><br />So, lets move on to an interesting character brought to life by one of the kings of shameless self promotion, Gene Simmons. I vaguely recall seeing a show where he said the producers of TOT wanted him to play Curr. However he opted for a Wolfman Jack wanna-be in the form of Nuke. I have to admit that Simmons does a pretty good job in the role although I’m not sure exactly the level of importance his character is to the film. Oh wait a minute…they needed a famous rocker or two to get people to watch this film so perhaps his character on a universal scale was of high importance. The other big “name” will come later in the film in an even smaller role. Oddly these two names get top billing on DVD cases everywhere.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDBkeRHi4vQA_SIKehDCRVAZUEbnUaXXh4H2J1pl8zNAA1BEhnP925MBxZUWJeJ_s9dsOpSAwKci8SNSgsyzAZoUb1h5dtToeuQwRjbe3h4ns4op2g3b676qJjjX_awwOoCC_3MCUTwfY/s1600/trickortreat2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 322px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDBkeRHi4vQA_SIKehDCRVAZUEbnUaXXh4H2J1pl8zNAA1BEhnP925MBxZUWJeJ_s9dsOpSAwKci8SNSgsyzAZoUb1h5dtToeuQwRjbe3h4ns4op2g3b676qJjjX_awwOoCC_3MCUTwfY/s400/trickortreat2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262277202476290" border="0" /></a><br />The Metal Gods are crying.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />Anyhow, Eddie comes in to visit Nuke for whatever reason. By the way, I couldn’t really figure out why Eddie had such easy access to the radio station. Perhaps he was an intern or something. The two discuss Sammi’s death and Nuke tries to convince Eddie that his idol wasn’t very nice. However, he also provides Eddie with the last known LP of Sammi Curr. Apparently Sammi wanted it played on Halloween night. Of course that means something big to the plot later.<br /><br />The next day at school, Eddie’s only friend Roger asks him how he is coping with the loss. Eddie shucks him off but at this point we need to fulfill the “popular person who feels bad for the outcast” role. It so happens to be a gal named Leslie who Eddie has the hots for in the first place. Once again, how convenient right? She approaches him and asks him to attend a pool party that evening. Here is where the following golden rule in horror cinema comes into play. You see, whenever a loser is invited to a party by a much popular kid, they have to go. Why, well something bad always happens which starts the ball rolling against the school’s elite.<br /><br />This example is no different from that rule. Eddie shows up to the pool party (how did a bunch of high school kids reserve a YMCA place is beyond me) and comes face to face with Tim and his buddies. Tim’s main squeeze Jeannie accosts Eddie asking him why he’s so odd. Eddie kind of throws up his arms and walks away. Tim and the boys pounce placing a weight in his backpack and chucking him in the pool. Eddie struggles on the bottom but is rescued by Leslie. Eddie storms out as Leslie tries to stop him to explain. He swears his vengeance but obviously he needs a little help.<br /><br />Eddie goes home and cues up the latest from his idol on the record player. He falls asleep and has odd visions of Sammi on fire and wakes up to hear the record skipping. He plays it backward and it tells him to be the bait. This is another one of those things METAL is synonymous for and this film pokes fun at which I appreciate. It seems everyone hears something different when you play Houses Of The Holy or The White Album backwards. None of it resembles much of anything audible. Hell, you’d probably have better luck reading this review backwards for a hidden message. Ok, for the record, there are no subliminal messages in this or any of my writings, backwards or forwards. Nor would suggest any evil doings. Well aside from maybe suggesting to intake this film at the end of the review.<br /><br />Eddie takes Sammi’s beyond the grave advice to school. He sets up a bunch of obstacles and after splattering Tim with his lunch tray, gives way to a chase. Tim and the boys stumble along the way and end up in big trouble when they spray a bunch of teachers with a fire extinguisher.<br /><br />That evening, Eddie does his best to convince his friend Roger that the record is helping him. Yeah good going, scare away you're only friend you idiot. Roger leaves and Eddie gives the old record a spin again. Immediately he hears the voice of Sammi, however this time the record carries a conversation. Eddie asks what the next course of action should be against Tim. Sammi mentions a room 66, which happens to be the school's shop class.<br /><br />The next day, Eddie heads into the empty shop class to hang out. Why was it open? Well I guess the school didn't care much about theft or tools being used as weapons. No matter though it sets up the next scene, which sees Tim accosting Eddie in the shop. Tim throws him around for a bit, however Tim's tie gets caught in one of the machines. Eddie shuts the power off right before Tim gets a drill to the head. Tim decides he's had enough of satanic oddness for one day and bails.<br /><br />Eddie celebrates Tim's near death all the way home by listening to Sammi's new record, which he made a tape of in his spare time. Odd thing about this recording is the fact it is all backwards. Yeah I know without a backwards record we wouldn't have a plot but still, I don't think I could rock out to a reverse recording.<br /><br />Meanwhile Eddie's mom, while putting his clothes away, discovers some questionable albums in Eddie's collection. No not The Elder, rather some death metal releases along with a Megadeth album. She is immediately disturbed by the fact her son is in fact a...gasp...metal head. Hmmmm...I found it odd that even though she cleans his clothes, which were all pretty much METAL shirts, it took her this long to discover his true identity. Anyhow, she bumps into a stereo, which turns some METAL on. She runs around franticly trying to turn it off and eventually succeeds. I don't know what she was so upset about though. At least it wasn't show tunes. Sigh...Eddie arrives just in time to kick her out of his room.<br /><br />Eddie commences taping another copy of the tape as a “peace offering” to Tim. Later that evening while Tim parks with Jeannie, she gives the tape a listen. A strange green mist comes out of the headphones, takes off her clothes and obviously achieves desired effects for Jeannie as well who moans with her eye closed. However when she opens her eyes, she realizes a demon with a rather large tongue is licking her. I guess that would be a pretty big mood spoiler for any chick. Oh add in the fact her ears get melted off by the headphones.<br /><br />Cut to Eddie’s mom who is working out in her bedroom. Cue up one of the best, if not the best, cameos in movie history. The Ozzman as a reverend against heavy metal music on television. I can watch this scene 100 times in a day and still find it funny. Anyhow while this happens, Tim rushes over to Eddie’s house to yell at him for melting his girlfriend’s ears. When he moves in to fight Eddie, the jack o lanterns outside light up in a festive manner. Figuring that this cute little trick is a bad sign, Tim backs off.<br /><br />Eddie rushes upstairs to yell at Sammi for his satanic naughtiness however Sammi doesn’t see things his way. Matter of fact, Sammi finally makes his way out of the record and into Eddie’s room through the speaker. You see, this apparently is Sammi’s big talent in the afterlife. All the satanic power in the universe and he still needs electrical equipment apparently. Anyhow, Sammi’s face is horribly scarred and he quickly disappears after telling Eddie he shouldn’t have turned his back on him.<br /><br />Eddie quickly finds himself grounded after his mother gets a call from Tim’s father. Eddie realizes that somehow the tape Tim has must be destroyed. Who else to do this but the pre-cursor to Napoleon Dynamite, Roger. I haven’t made mention of this yet but Roger was cool sh*t to me. Although he is a standard nerd, he gave me a few good laughs throughout the film. This whole next sequence is a fine example of that last sentence.<br /><br />Roger goes to lift the cassette from Tim and tells Eddie he destroyed it. However, curiosity gets the best of old Roger and he pops in the cassette. This causes Sammi to be reborn once again and Roger tells him that he loves all his records. Sammi pulls an anti-METAL activist through the TV screen which causes her to turn to ash. Sammi demands that Roger play his tape at the school’s Halloween dance. Roger agrees but first starts up the old vacuum to clean up the charred body in his living room. Once again, this kid is frickin’ hilarious.<br /><br />Roger makes his way to the dance while Eddie hangs out at home. Roger runs into Leslie who asks of Eddie’s whereabouts. When he tells her, she gives him a ring at home. Eddie hears the familiar backwards track being played at the dance. This causes him to jump into his muscle car and head off to the dance. However, Sammi has another plan for him. You see, one of the tapes Eddie made plays in his tape deck which causes the car to go crazy. The car zips all over town and only after Eddie rips the tape deck’s wires out, it stops. Yeah, I know it sounds like a familiar Steven King story about a care but wait, theres another familiar King story plot about to be borrowed.<br /><br />Meanwhile at the dance, the band is about to go on. Now here is where things get a bit stupid. The lead singer realizes theres a lot of feedback going on so he examines the speaker. Sammi’s hand comes out of it and zaps the singer into oblivion. His guitar hurls into the air and lands into the hands of Sammi who appears fully resurrected on stage. Sammi starts banging like a ninny on his thigh which starts the obligatory crowd participation clapping. The best part of this whole sequence comes when the rest of the band miraculously know exactly what to play with Sammi as the lead. I found it hard to believe these guys didn’t seem to care their lead singer was just zapped into ashes. Perhaps he acted like Axl Rose behind the scenes and they really didn‘t give a sh*t.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbU9vvlR_BLzmX7DsVFcC6ygkH-KABG0OD5B0dyGrScs__joOPcJ1lHGRuzfn5hXPeYT9Xj1paGMSbuyBtM31HCnuXA4qRgzqinko6jOMQ9PhNfEj8GmtJ8PNi1s9N6K2OvhlfIJgcKss/s1600/trickortreat4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 385px; height: 291px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbU9vvlR_BLzmX7DsVFcC6ygkH-KABG0OD5B0dyGrScs__joOPcJ1lHGRuzfn5hXPeYT9Xj1paGMSbuyBtM31HCnuXA4qRgzqinko6jOMQ9PhNfEj8GmtJ8PNi1s9N6K2OvhlfIJgcKss/s400/trickortreat4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667263014626502050" border="0" /></a><br />"Cat fur, food, burnt up ladies dragged through the<br />TV by undead rockers, the SUCK-O vacuum handles<br />it all!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />Sammi breaks out the METAL which sees a lot of odd prancing around. Matter of fact, he gives David Lee Roth a run for his money. All of this leads up to Sammi’s phenomenal guitar solo which sees tons of people getting zapped from his loving rhythms. He zaps a teacher, a guy dressed as Humpty Dumpty (and what a great fall it was too) and the drummer who goes out in a bit of Spinal Tap blaze among others. As mentioned a few paragraphs ago, things start to closely resemble Carrie with people running for the exits. Sammi continues to terrorize the masses in the gym.<br /><br />Meanwhile, Leslie is in the bathroom getting undressed. Tim walks in on her and attempts a little in-out on her but she escapes. Outside, Eddie arrives and finds Roger rather distraught but tells him to pull it together to stop Sammi. Eddie wanders around looking for Leslie but finds Tim instead. Eddie tries to warn him of Sammi but its too late for him. Sammi explodes Tim with a jolt of electricity causing a load of peppiness to go everywhere.<br /><br />Eddie does eventually find Leslie who runs with him to escape Sammi. When they are cornered next to the circuit breakers, Roger arrives just in time to short circuit it which causes Sammi to go away. This is where I get confused a bit on the villain front. You see, Sammi supposedly needs his record to play so he can be reanimated. Um ok…that and he needs some sort of speaker to jump through to kill people. Um ok…still electricity has to be flowing through the lines for him to exist. Um ok…the movie is a bit aloof when it comes to explaining this phenomenon. Why, well in a few scenes Sammi is able to jump through a shower radio and a battery operated radio. Yes I’m aware batteries generate electricity but I was under the impression Sammi could only travel through electrical lines when in fact a record of his recording was played backwards and speakers were involved and…ok…I’d better stop…my head is generating too much electricity…I’m afraid I’ll have a dead rock star jump through my ears.<br /><br />Eddie destroys all the tapes but realizes there is one left. It is in the radio studio and, as Nuke promised, is being played at midnight backwards. Hmmmm…I guess that station doesn’t have a very good program director. The cops are tipped off to Eddie by one of Tim’s buddies. The cops chase after him because…well I don’t know why. Its not like he was at the dance dressed as a 6 foot tall dead rocker. Still, Eddie and Leslie make a mad dash to the station fighting Sammi all the way there who freely jumps in and out of speakers everywhere. Eventually they notice that Sammi has a weakness to water when his hand get stuck in a toilet. Water stomping electricity. Cheers to the rocket scientist writing this script for figuring that out.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXEyoNzqCJfCBpvexFWvAZ-rumAUFXXVWaWPSmEo_K68kjjql_uTtaUCn2CLux8h3Y-QoSptypWg29YbmKJ6SGCGPKcIRXTxuf1ENIrRcUmF5D9Nekocp6zc-_80nJeRmbrUNtZCKL5Ag/s1600/trickortreat6.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 372px; height: 286px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXEyoNzqCJfCBpvexFWvAZ-rumAUFXXVWaWPSmEo_K68kjjql_uTtaUCn2CLux8h3Y-QoSptypWg29YbmKJ6SGCGPKcIRXTxuf1ENIrRcUmF5D9Nekocp6zc-_80nJeRmbrUNtZCKL5Ag/s400/trickortreat6.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667263588314259058" border="0" /></a><br />Why not to hire Mr. Magoo as your roadie...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Finally, Eddie and Leslie make it to the station after jacking a police car from an officer Sammi fried. They notice that Sammi has infected the broadcast booth with his electrical behavior. Eddie comes up with a last ditch effort to destroy the tape. He takes a hand held radio and goes on a ride with it in the back seat. He tells Leslie before he goes to count to 100 before going back into the station.<br /><br />The whole time on the drive, Eddie trash talks Sammi saying he doesn’t need him any more…ohhhhh….that hes nothing without his fans…double ohhhhh…and that he is a poseur rock pussy….ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sammi doesn’t take kindly to that last remark and materializes in the back seat. Eddie drives the car off a bridge and Leslie simultaneously destroys the last tape. The film ends with the metal head getting the girl. Aside from facing charges of murder, grand theft auto and a whole lot more I guess that’s a happy ending for Eddie.<br /><br />Trick Or Treat seems to have been dropped into the annuals of really crappy movies. However, aside from pulling up the most generic of horror movie characters and mixing it with some rather awful plot loops, the film really isn’t bad at all. Matter of fact, it could very well be considered genius in the real of social commentary on the mid 80’s music trial witch hunts. Metal took a huge backlash during the time of this movie and this film is a wonderful reflection of people’s wild and often idiotic ideas about rock n roll. Sammi Curr just so happens to be the embodiment of all these negative ideas.<br /><br />Eddies character suffers from what many metal heads would have gone through during this time. His mother is afraid of him, his classmates shun him and the only solace he finds is in METAL. As said in the first few original paragraphs, Marc Price may not have been the best choice as a metal head. People who play the nerd on family TV seem to often get stuck in this typecast. However I have to say regardless, Price doesn’t do a bad job in the role and I could buy it.<br /><br />I often thought a sequel to this film would be a great idea. Except this time have the kid who played Steve Urkel play a gansta who is told to do things by “ice” from a dead rapper. Now tell me that wouldn’t sell. Oh well, lets wrap this up this rock review our style…<br /><br />“THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT TO DARKSIDER’S REALM TONIGHT…WE LOVE YOU… GOODNIGHT!”<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span> </span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Sammi Curr </span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipM12fiipd1QQD6V7mDFMukUdZSKbb9YmtwS9dd91L9u8riC9HgTvTHZfcbi-hLdjbKYIRpVgHp0j0A429xbdRx840RmFKl1S6p8_16sqP1OluCOb7qGNrzJuVXjYfOSPJDY7olfSV_EE/s1600/trickortreat5.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 185px; height: 142px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipM12fiipd1QQD6V7mDFMukUdZSKbb9YmtwS9dd91L9u8riC9HgTvTHZfcbi-hLdjbKYIRpVgHp0j0A429xbdRx840RmFKl1S6p8_16sqP1OluCOb7qGNrzJuVXjYfOSPJDY7olfSV_EE/s400/trickortreat5.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667264199989860242" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Apparently hairspray and spandex are in good supply in the afterlife.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Tim</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSTLrPI5kqHFSsf-NqHnu3e5_mxo5e2dylaab0bETgKsvAGXvW5B4SeeVqTtlJGfty7f_3IAY717ZYk2WL7S5ZU1oB5WUdoGXgq6ckOfw7PivpX89-DHlfHPhdtrJn_j4zUMjdHicjRhQ/s1600/trickortreat1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 264px; height: 186px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSTLrPI5kqHFSsf-NqHnu3e5_mxo5e2dylaab0bETgKsvAGXvW5B4SeeVqTtlJGfty7f_3IAY717ZYk2WL7S5ZU1oB5WUdoGXgq6ckOfw7PivpX89-DHlfHPhdtrJn_j4zUMjdHicjRhQ/s400/trickortreat1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667264628087615970" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Ladies and gentlemen, your low budget William Zabka of the movie.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 404px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQ79GfIdrjx1AS3keno92VN95beR4QIe1bxcIeaeAHVQJQlo05Rtmm-JcWAAtQlFWvvY9I6nhqTvZvOO98VqHoNgRsLcYdogc37TtDnDeSkeuNK53oVgP660xICp521cB4fax2V5XDB18/s400/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667262598402982210" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE<br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s400/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667265160513970210" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s400/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667265160513970210" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9Vkgm5jWJFq0dwU5ix-VAZFkOWUUTQ3XOlu1xDJEvoO8rIJt3f-ttLo56yQQt4u0bZYSSi5xRNmgKg0jOnF9DJpTJCIwnQwntajzvgO0XHsg2f8bO0NS8LLcds_zTvmOUxAG9CWzxbd0/s400/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667265160513970210" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0NupxN3U_5UL8G0lXGLOARt0stuZpl713gfgk7POcNjMgqd-gri9KuCDXBCufim2HadDd8ACh8tFITQnaYW8Sc2u7FHBf8rNis1S-bWoQRvrROoCzulDzheRMZbPSOWSvzdZwPm7o0sY/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0NupxN3U_5UL8G0lXGLOARt0stuZpl713gfgk7POcNjMgqd-gri9KuCDXBCufim2HadDd8ACh8tFITQnaYW8Sc2u7FHBf8rNis1S-bWoQRvrROoCzulDzheRMZbPSOWSvzdZwPm7o0sY/s400/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667265306491154034" border="0" /></a><br />All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-42657924564999881112011-06-26T19:24:00.000-07:002011-07-05T20:57:23.098-07:00Santa Claus Reviewed By The DarkSider 7/6/11<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i169/darksider66/xmasjulybanner11.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 581px; height: 145px;" src="http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i169/darksider66/xmasjulybanner11.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Plot</span>: Christmas In July truly began as a labor of love many, many moons ago for yours truly. I'm not sure if its those obnoxious yet laughable TV commercials for the local electronic stores or simply the irony of having an Xmas celebration during the hottest month of the year but I always loved the idea. Due to life changes (I recently hit menopause) I wasn't able to get around to it last year. However, I figured I should make it up by reviewing one of the most ridiculous Xmas movies ever to have been churned out of the sugary genre. In other words, the film I'm about to take on is going to look worse than that beef log you've had in your freezer that you still haven't had the bravery to eat.<br /><br />Our film begins with the jolly old elf himself adjusting his manger scene proving that Santa is in fact of Christian persuasion. Who knew? Apparently his homeland is situated several miles above ground in the North Pole. I'm not sure why but that kind of worked for me. It seems like an easy excuse to get your kids to stop asking questions about if someone has actually found Santa's pad. Anyhow, right away one will notice that Santa's traditional boisterous "ho ho ho" has been replaced by a rather menacing sounding chuckle. Although this is disturbing, it will be the least of the film's problems in the long run.<br /><br />Santa realizes (with a reaction one might have after realizing they left the water running) that Christmas is not far away. He goes to his organ o' fun to check on his toy making help. Brace yourself folks for this stupidity. There are in fact no elves, rather a bunch of children delegates from different countries. And sadly, they cover each one in a painful time killing sequence. We start first with the child delegates from Africa who are banging on drums while sporting warpaint. What is that you say? The DarkSider is making a tasteless racist joke? Nope, watch the movie...<span style="font-style: italic;">its true</span>. This bounces around from country to country with Santa adjusting the music each time a new location is featured. Each country's kids sing a song of some sort, most with the enthusiasm of a drunken slug. Regardless of how annoying this sequence is, I'm actually more petrified that Santa exploits child labor.<br /><br />Once the above nonsense is over, we cut to the underworld where demons are having a dance number. I guess this proves beyond the shadow of a doubt Broadway numbers are in fact evil. Lucifer puts a stop to the malarkey and sends his demon henchman Pitch out to stop Christmas. Why, well he's sick of people being happy and he wants kids to do evil things. You know, because all children are innocent and never create trouble.<br /><br />Cut to the most heinous of animatronic Santas chuckling away in a shopping store window. Seriously, if you put this thing on your doorstep you are guaranteed to scare off those annoying carolers. Anyhow, kids of all sorts are hanging out gazing at the toys on display. We learn of a good little boy named Billy who has a rich father and is bound to get what he wants for Christmas. Then we learn of a little girl named Lupita who yearns for a doll but can't have one because she is poor. Then the little bastards comes in who want to cause trouble. You know they're bad news because two are wearing those trouble making caps kids will often wear in these type of moronic films. Pitch arrives to whisper bad things into their ears that they should do. He uses his almighty powers to produce three rocks (friggin' stupid) which they hurl at the store's window.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiikBH9Jpbg0jkcLCAdymGMW9qMWJgqbdi7vwMl4psm40WqUQRw_mixwGVZiTNMTXHa-b4r9pi2TIm8LmdTmgotGO7_V0h51HfwZGP6jc4Of3c97R-2w_tX73p2cZyWKsgy1z7Gil98fVQ/s1600/santaclaus1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 234px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiikBH9Jpbg0jkcLCAdymGMW9qMWJgqbdi7vwMl4psm40WqUQRw_mixwGVZiTNMTXHa-b4r9pi2TIm8LmdTmgotGO7_V0h51HfwZGP6jc4Of3c97R-2w_tX73p2cZyWKsgy1z7Gil98fVQ/s320/santaclaus1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623475097214059042" border="0" /></a><br />Lupita's Uncle Pedro didn't always<br />have the best sense when it came to<br />entertaining children.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Anyhow, one of the stones hits the scary Santa which actually has an effect on the real Santa. I'll have to try that out, next time I see a Santa statue I'm so kicking it in the balls. Santa then decides to check out the kids on his creepy ass espionage equipment. I could go into detail about the equipment but words simply won't give it justice. I will say the thing attached to the telescope reminded me of that odd thing that talked to C3PO in ROTJ at Jabba's palace. Anyhow, Santa has his child laborers check up on Lupita who is in the marketplace with her mother. Pitch tries to convince her to steal a doll but she opts against it because she's all nice and stuff.<br /><br />They then tune in to Billy who is actually asleep. Through a dream reading device they see he is dreaming of two big presents. Both being his parents because he yearns for their love. All I know is I would have been creeped out as a kid if my parents wrapped themselves up for me. Isn't that illegal or something?<br /><br />Back to Lupita who is in dream world. Pitch arrives at the house to blow (literally) a nightmare into Lupita's head. I started to have sympathy here for the devil here if this is the accumulation of his powers. Cue up a creepy dance number in which Lupita is surrounded by life-sized dolls all trying to convince her to steal. Lupita being the goody good two shoes she is still resists the power of the dark side. Santa, who is rather annoyed with Pitch, wraps things up by checking on the three bad boys who are doing bad things. He sends a warning to them to not f*ck with him...well in so many words anyhow.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Well if you're worried about Pitch's antics (which you're probably not) don't worry. The film seems to get away from the main...um I guess you can call it..."plot" for a bit. Santa receives his mail directly from the post office in seconds. I guess he must have hooked the postmaster up with some cool stuff growing up or something. He sorts a few of them in to "True" and "False" categories amongst others.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgInb0ZxEro7zXz_JJBWAwm4ekvIwynCW8ab3NYMbEcp4LWKNxlWDEKD_ZbtBycHw03lxh55VWWkl1PwCyWaaOEmehbHEoJ_6qLHplotHsStIEQdyI8_p1yL3llu9VZyo9BpkBE_M7jWBk/s1600/santaclaus5.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 242px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgInb0ZxEro7zXz_JJBWAwm4ekvIwynCW8ab3NYMbEcp4LWKNxlWDEKD_ZbtBycHw03lxh55VWWkl1PwCyWaaOEmehbHEoJ_6qLHplotHsStIEQdyI8_p1yL3llu9VZyo9BpkBE_M7jWBk/s320/santaclaus5.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625318550928130130" border="0" /></a><br />"Mmmmm yeah, those are some nice lips<br />you have there, how'd you like my yule log<br />in ther...oh...uh...hi children, how long<br />have you been standing there?"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /></div>We go on to learn that Merlin is in fact on the yuletide payroll. Apparently Santa pops in once a year for a few things. I guess Santa isn't a bad guy to work for, well unless you're a child. Anyhow, Merlin hooks up Santa with some dream dust that brings about joy on Xmas Eve while people are sleeping. I used to get "joy" while sleeping in my teenage years but it was pretty much any time of the year. Granted it was messy when I woke up but it was worth while. Merlin also gives Santa a magical flower which makes him disappear at will. Santa leaves him to his chemical warfare and Santa goes to visit Vulcano his locksmith of sorts. He hooks him up with the golden key that allows him into every household.<br /><br />After a bit of stomach trimming via a vintage tummy toner, Santa heads off to his slay which looks like it was stolen from the local department store 's Xmas display. After loading up the sleigh, Santa winds up his reindeer since they are just gigantic toys. Man, the north pole sure is ghetto. Santa heads off into the night with the first stop being Mexico City. Silly roadrunner and coyote-like malarkey ensues between Pitch and Santa. Of course Santa outwits him most of the time because, you know, Pitch is an idiot.<br /><br />Santa stops off at Billy's house who whines about if anybody loves him. We ll Santa gets on this right away and serves Billy's neglectful parents a laced cocktail. Through this they remember they should be home with Billy and not boozing it up at the local hot spot. That's right kids, your parents need to get cocked on special cocktails to realize they love you. Anyhow, they head back home to see Billy for a happy reunion. By the way, I'm assuming child protective services is a bit lacking in Billy's neck of the woods.<br /><br />Soon we join up with the three bad kids who are planning to kidnap Santa and force him into slavery. Jesus H, who the hell is raising this kids...wolves? Pitch is there once again egging them on to form a capture plan. But they don't get far because Santa uses a flash grenade of sorts to distract them. Pitch, foiled once again, tries to get even with Santa at the next house. He uses a pair of scissors to cut Santa's magic bag thus spilling the sleeping power and flower of invisibility.<br /><br />Santa gets to the next house and realizes a day and a buck short too late that he is without his magical weapons. A dog chase him up into a tree and Santa goes into panic mode. Like a whiny b!tch Santa pleads toward Merlin in the North Pole. Pitch arrives to frig around with him waking up the house's inhabitants and having the authorities arrive. Through stupidity I won't bother measuring, Santa is able to escape the dog through a windup cat. Pitch gets hosed down by the fire dept thus ending his reign of terror. Yep...big plot climax there. Finally, the movie ends when Santa visiting Lupita who finally ends up getting her dolly.<br /><br />Perhaps the most confusing aspect of this film is what to make of it. Looking at it as an adult I can plainly see how much cheese is in this film. It is that same feeling I get when I watch the 80s version of Babes In Toyland. However as a kid I honestly sort of like Babes In Toyland and to be honest wouldn’t mind showing it to my offspring. It has colorful characters, prop design and a story innocent enough (minus the “give him a lot of fun” nuptials) they could understand.<br /><br />However, this film’s imagery to me is downright creepy and the story a bit disturbing. So lord of the underworld sends a demon to corrupt the mind of children. Meanwhile, Santa does virtually nothing to curb his evil ways. Yeah, that’s a bedtime story that will put sugarplums dancing in your head. Plus the religious overtones just don’t seem to fit in with a story about Santa. It kind of reminds me of this ornament an ex-coworker of mine used to take out during the holiday season. It was of Santa kneeling down at baby Jesus’ manger with his hat off. It never seemed to work with me seeing I’m not religious. That and I’ve always felt Santa should be kept separate from the religious aspect of Xmas.<br /><br />Regardless of what you believe religion wise, this film is extremely odd and not in a good way. Plus it has a narrator who keeps butting in which of course is another example of the fine written rule of an awful film. I'll will however give credit where credit is due. The actors playing Pitch and Santa do ham it up making the film a bit fun in parts. However, the whole film just comes off as a gigantic bowl of creepiness. In other words, the jolly old elf himself really has a lot of explaining to do for this seasonal atrocity.<br /><br />Matter of fact, lets find out what <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Santa Had To Say About This Movie</span>...<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6gMq_u9WKrSrjiIz-DDqhSXPyssqAgTo5PGRwv1jkSWMBn00Xs77HlAM2P3j_-nNFrbWTuzEjEHJSF7hnWNoYKzIwbTxJb5U5pr7Xlo6CnA5m2dyi7paJuCwoaZS_0QImSPAhSawVFgY/s1600/santaclaus3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 245px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6gMq_u9WKrSrjiIz-DDqhSXPyssqAgTo5PGRwv1jkSWMBn00Xs77HlAM2P3j_-nNFrbWTuzEjEHJSF7hnWNoYKzIwbTxJb5U5pr7Xlo6CnA5m2dyi7paJuCwoaZS_0QImSPAhSawVFgY/s320/santaclaus3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626059232964619138" border="0" /></a><br />"<span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Ho, ho, ho! This film no es bueno! </span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">However I'm happy to announce Pitch and I </span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">buried the hatchet. I sold my soul to him</span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">in order to miniature singing version of</span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">me out in the stores by October! Open</span> <span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">your wallet bitches!</span>"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:180%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole</span><br />(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)<br /></div></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Pitch</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO3cL_CQHQ2PIO7rfCrrNwPIwoq5r5e5dtNQJx1NSDM5fdN-_r0Y1EB6g3brrYPLZtma2dBCtcTo9eDgwliUdjkYog9G9Av57ibfxYlUYq_Df0_ZZGv_mYT_OWCByk9M5TrhP6H1Dd3tc/s1600/santaclaus4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO3cL_CQHQ2PIO7rfCrrNwPIwoq5r5e5dtNQJx1NSDM5fdN-_r0Y1EB6g3brrYPLZtma2dBCtcTo9eDgwliUdjkYog9G9Av57ibfxYlUYq_Df0_ZZGv_mYT_OWCByk9M5TrhP6H1Dd3tc/s320/santaclaus4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626060477149210338" border="0" /></a><br />It creeps me out that this guy has been<br />blowing me into nightmares.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >Three Bad Kids</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivdBde5fnvJ0kG8pgZ8bqkATYx-li32WyiTYlAiAbJVqbMDpTk1Vwnl05i4RMhyphenhyphenqI4juUmGNG_l6OQM47wye2PSBhNrDC_1-pGWXBTDNWHeUR7VuVBp1ZgvIag8uc88A6NaKhjOH8ycUI/s1600/santaclaus2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivdBde5fnvJ0kG8pgZ8bqkATYx-li32WyiTYlAiAbJVqbMDpTk1Vwnl05i4RMhyphenhyphenqI4juUmGNG_l6OQM47wye2PSBhNrDC_1-pGWXBTDNWHeUR7VuVBp1ZgvIag8uc88A6NaKhjOH8ycUI/s320/santaclaus2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626060959313268274" border="0" /></a><br />Though they ended up with coal from Santa<br />at least they didn't suffer the fate of Santa's<br />child labor.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 332px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoL-fKX-3VpnqO1SrCL7dLM5lgXV72h7BjdXblhr-Y7ZfZmD2Gm0NHQKPZV_ukZprSMiFnJbGCslQAvxtzx2PWbDE2LxYn137AFTxT1MYejR_xBh1GJ2AtvurL8-EWT9t4sISyx8ms80/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5623474925755942402" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0);font-size:180%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE</span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJzDPSqYTAy_xZODClZk7O46e9kJFcvx6l2-V5yXte5F7PAWx-B87QAucv263_frwb6rP4bDBQ8-3wpLMAbLXC_sVL-Y2iAmeSyE-WcTGRxO3mN58TL0er8wIoHnpxiDRdj0i4T6aBbM/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcJzDPSqYTAy_xZODClZk7O46e9kJFcvx6l2-V5yXte5F7PAWx-B87QAucv263_frwb6rP4bDBQ8-3wpLMAbLXC_sVL-Y2iAmeSyE-WcTGRxO3mN58TL0er8wIoHnpxiDRdj0i4T6aBbM/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626062683201264866" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb2z7v-aWqG-BqAy6bP0JECgAYSwm0RDTbQU-iICYTHYhQit0GDi73UJZpFlN4aP1rSS380SsGsNCptP4t30SH_HOuOOHZx52AEe6IutL5j_gJ9ZMA4KfrefPIr-TCnjwrTFmBHGLeaqg/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb2z7v-aWqG-BqAy6bP0JECgAYSwm0RDTbQU-iICYTHYhQit0GDi73UJZpFlN4aP1rSS380SsGsNCptP4t30SH_HOuOOHZx52AEe6IutL5j_gJ9ZMA4KfrefPIr-TCnjwrTFmBHGLeaqg/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626062874996265138" border="0" /></a><br />All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /><br />Child labor was not used in writing of this review...unlike some people in The North Pole.<br /><br /><br /><br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-60551515133606734122011-02-27T16:31:00.000-08:002011-03-20T18:23:50.830-07:00Best Worst Movie (capsule review) /Troll 2 (retro review) by The DarkSider<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Best Worst Movie</span> (capsule review): Many years ago I took on the film Troll 2 on my old Geocities review site. In the hundreds of films I've reviewed, there have only been three I've written "I Hate This F*cking Movie" in big letters. Troll 2 was indeed one of them.<br /><br />Recently (as of this writing) I picked up the documentary Best Worst Film. I found it to be an immensely charming look at the 1989 crime to decent cinema. Michael Stephenson (the lead child actor of Troll 2) boldly directs this and has no problem accepting (along with a good percent of the cast) how much of a cinematic atrocity Troll 2 was. The documentary dives head first into exploring the cause and effect of how something so terrible has garnished such an immense cult following. It also garnishes a lot of captivating stories of what went on behind the scenes during the film's production.<br /><br />The shining beacon of light throughout proves to be George Hardy who played the father in Troll 2. His humor about the film is captivating and his acceptance of his role in the film is more the admirable. Hardy is never seen without a smile and a good nature towards fan's of the film. He comes off as the guy you wouldn't mind shooting the breeze with over a beer.<br /><br />Perhaps a bit of an unintentional funny bit (especially for fans of B-movies) is the reaction of director Claudio Fragrasso to the film's cult status. Though I can't prove it he seems to think throughout that people like it for it's good points which we all know are few if any. He comes off as that kid in school who tries so hard to fit in but fails on all levels. Still, in his heart he believes he has done something epic. The emotional response tol the film he speaks of is there but on a completely different level of understanding. Instead of a serious reaction, he is left with unintentionally laughter. Either way, one feels he has a sense of some accomplishment seeing so many have enjoyed Troll 2 for whatever reason they may have.<br /><br />The documentary isn't necessarily all laughs. There are some moments where you feel downright awful for some of the cast members. Several never acted again and others have struggled for roles thanks to having this film on their resume. (Parts me of me was reminded of the documentary of the 80s metal group Anvil.) Perhaps at one point many of the cast members thought this was the role that would land them bigger things. However due to multiple circumstances, the film obviously fell flat on it's face.<br /><br />Best Worst Movie truly captures a message I find pertinent in life. Never take yourself too seriously and laugh with others at the goofy things you have done. Otherwise you'll never truly have fun in life.<br /><br />Now, I give to you my original review of Troll 2 from years ago. I still hate the movie but like the cast all the more after watching Best Worst Film.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4fnqLYCDXnlFf4il8svqdvO6Ig0nuioflZcJnkpBytli9bF5zkjeUTOiJQvkzjIWqR4IMkok_aYjHJaGSBm-oU8cc-NL7w5mVJ11WffOHWKjAfEYUmffAaRbsu7A1fcApTFieFc1SovI/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4fnqLYCDXnlFf4il8svqdvO6Ig0nuioflZcJnkpBytli9bF5zkjeUTOiJQvkzjIWqR4IMkok_aYjHJaGSBm-oU8cc-NL7w5mVJ11WffOHWKjAfEYUmffAaRbsu7A1fcApTFieFc1SovI/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586336498932660018" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">TITLE</span>: Troll 2<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">RELEASE DATE</span>: 1990<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">RATED</span>: PG 13<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">REVIEWED BY:</span> The DarkSider <br /><br />THE PLOT: Some movies know they are going to suck and play with that idea making the film enjoyable. Then there is a movie like Troll 2 that tries to be taken seriously as a valid scary film. Oh and when that happens...hell hath no fury from The DarkSider. So buckle up readers...here we go again with more fantasy creatures...yea... just what we needed. If there is one thing I've learned from watching the crap I do, whenever a movie starts with an old man reading from a story book, you're generally doomed plot wise.<br /><br />The story begins with the ballad of Peter...some lame Robin Hood looking dude traveling in the forest. He is immediately chased by a bunch of Goblins that look like they purchased their costumes from a store at post Halloween close out prices. Peter knocks himself out after a fall and when he comes to he sees some chick with painted on freckles. She offers him a bowl of guacamole looking stuff which makes him sweat antifreeze and turns him into some kind of creature made of tree/human parts. This apparently is fine dinning for the goblins. All of this is part of the charming bed time story Grandma Seth is telling his grandson Josh.<br /><br />Wait a minute though...when his mother Diana comes in to the room we find out the recently deceased Grandpa isn't there. Diana commands her son to remove Grandpa Seth from his mind. Hey how bout giving the kid a little f*cking Ritalin mom? He is seeing more dead people than Haley Joe Osment.<br /><br />Onward...Diana checks on daughter Holly who is pumping iron. Then we get introduced to father Michael who is talking about the big family get away. Apparently they are taking the troop up to some deserted town that live very much like the Amish. 'Yeah dad, this is soooo much better than Hawaii...asshole...' Oddly enough they are swapping houses for a month with residents in the town. To avoid an in depth look at plot stupidity lets just assume it was part of a really bad reality show.<br /><br />Well anyhow, before the night closes Holly gets a visit from her boyfriend Elliot. He is accompanied by his 'friends' Arnold, Drew, and Brent. Holly apparently doesn't like them much because he goes everywhere with them. Aside from smelling Vaseline when these guys are around, I'm sure you might be able to get a faint scent of killing fodder as well...stay tuned.<br /><br />The next day, the family take off for the country while a rip off of Smokey and The Bandit's East Five and Dime song plays. Thats just in case you didn't know they are supposed to in the be country. Holly is devastated that Elliot isn't with them but fear not, him and the boys apparently picked up an RV somewhere and are heading to the country. During the drive Josh has a nightmare about Goblins and wakes up to see Grandpa Seth on the side of the road. Apparently even in the afterlife you have to hitchhike if your car breaks down. He asks to stop so he can talk to Grandpa Seth who warns him to turn back from the town in to which they are heading.<br /><br />Well with over an hour of plot time to fill we know that won't happen and the family chugs on. They finally reach the small town named Nilbog which is very much like Children Of The Cornville. Michael reassures the gang that farmers aren't around because they go to bed early. Ohhhh yes Michael good one...how silly of us not to realize that all farmers have a bed time of 4 in the afternoon. It turns out the farmers are indeed around and appear as the family drives to their final destination. They give the car a good "they're coming to get you Barbara" stare.<br /><br />The family arrives just in time to get a moody response from their house trade off people. The family go in and find out dinner is awaiting them. Only problem is there is a bunch of the guacamole stuff on the food. Grandpa Seth arrives again and with a snap of his fingers he tells Josh that he has 30 seconds to stop them from eating. F*cking lazy undead guides piss me off.<br /><br />This is where things get really stupid. The family is frozen in time just about to eat or drink the food. Well actually it is the actors trying hard not to flinch. Oddly this is the one time their acting is tolerable. Does Josh run and rip the food out of their hands...no. Does he throw out the food where no one can find it...not exactly. He does something that any young lad would do in his situation...piss on the table. Please don't laugh...I'm telling the truth.<br /><br />Josh is punished for his deeds so for now the movie switches to the glory hole mobile with Elliot and his friends. Arnold heads out for a cig and spots a chick running from the Goblins. He confronts them only to get a spear in his chest. They run to some church looking place and immediately are introduced to a chick named Creedence. She is of Druid decent...OH NO...NOT THE DRUIDS...ANYTHING BUT THE DRUIDS. Her ancestors came from Stonehenge...I guess she is a distant relative to Conal Cochran or something. She serves up some nasty bubbling stuff to the kids which they drink up. Good f*cking move....the chick becomes green jello. We also find out that Creedence is the mother for all the Goblins.<br /><br />Meanwhile back in the family's house, Holly is doing the white person shuffle to some real gut wrenching music. The dance style is a mix of um...the robot...vogue...and a touch of the Morris Day And The Time shuffle. While gloating in the mirror, Grandpa Seth appears to her saying Josh's name. Oh sorry Holly...wrong mirror number. Anyhow after the family pulls the 'theres nothing here' bullsh*t, Josh decides to sleep in her room. Josh calls upon Grandpa Seth who's head appears in the mirror. I had a hard time holding back with Superman 'Jor-El' references while watching this by the way. Grandpa Seth says the house is filled with evil and will return...same mirror time...same mirror channel.<br /><br />Cut to the Richard Simmons fan club in the RV. Drew complains to Elliot, who is laying unfavorably close to Brent in bed, that there is no food. Drew heads out for a jog into town to find some food. Across town the family is just waking up to no breakfast either so Michael and Josh head out. Meanwhile, Drew gets a lift into town by Sheriff Freak. You know Freak...as in the Rick James song with the word 'super' attached. He gets offered a sandwich with the green substance and immediately he starts sweating antifreeze.<br /><br />When he gets into town he gets offered some milk by the general store and is sent to Creedence's house by the townsfolk. Creedence is tending to Arnold who is blooming quite nicely. I'm guessing Brent and Arnold became lunch for the gobllins. Across town Josh and Michael are at the empty general store. Michael does some educational reading on vegetables while Joshua discovers...oh no...it can't be...IT CAN'T BE...the town Nilbog is spelled Goblins backward in the car's rear view mirror!!!!!!!!<br /><br />NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NILBOG=GOBLIN=REDRUM=MURDER...DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!<br /><br />Yeah if Creedence's ridiculous wide eyed over acting didn't frighten your ass, the director was hoping this would. Yeah, thats some real groundbreaking scary sh*t there isn't it? Well anyhow, Josh runs away and heads into a barn with a hole in the floor. I've always said any place in a sh*tty movie that has a hole in the wall/floor, it is an unwritten rule that something sinister is going down one room over.<br /><br />Of corse this movie doesn't stray from that rule. There is an evil minister in mid sermon talking about how humans are yucky creatures...blah blah blah. Josh is discovered and is almost fed some of the evil food but Michael rescues him. The group claim they were trying to feed him ice cream. Michael, not convinced there is something foul going on especially when all they were doing was holding Josh's arms down while trying to force feed him, buys into it and heads home. Meanwhile, Creedence pays a visit to Diane who is home alone and gives her an evil cake. She assures Diane it is made from an old recipe...mu ha...mu ha ha...mu ha ha ha ha ha...yeah whatever. Before making it home, Michael and Josh pick up Elliot and Holly who are in the middle of a dispute over friends again. This leaves Brent alone in the RV to dream of Tom Selleck or something.<br /><br />When they finally make it home sweet home they find out its party time. The residents have arrived to throw a huge gala event in their house complete with food. Josh freaks out calling them goblins and is sent to his room. This leaves the rest of the group to get egged on into eating the yummy food. Josh speaks into the mirror for Grandpa Seth over and over again. Unfortunately he keeps getting busy mirror signals and eventually is greeted by Creedence in goblin form.<br /><br />When all hope may be lost, Grandpa Seth finally arrives and hacks Creedence's arm off with an axe. With a fine spiritual guide like Grandpa Seth on his side, finally Josh can take on the Goblins in a fair fight. Why...well Grandpa Seth brings with him the weapon of mass destruction...a moltov cocktail. Wait a minute...a moltov cocktail? Apparently the afterlife has access to weapons so why didn't he grab an AK47 or perhaps a rocket launcher. No...the asshole brings a moltov cocktail and an axe.<br /><br />This movie is re-f*cking-diculous...<br /><br />Trying to move on...ok...Josh and Grandpa Seth head out of the house and the evil minister takes the moltov cocktail from Josh. He says some gibberish and tries to send Grandpa Seth's soul to hell. Grandpa Seth fires back and lights the moltov coctail in the minister's hand. As the minister cooks, Grandpa Seth tells Josh he must face the goblins alone. Yeah thanks a lot Grandpa Seth...as Conan would say...Da hell wit you.<br /><br />The minister is extinguished to reveal...gasp...the body of a goblin. The family get yelled at by the townsfolk and run into the house. While they set up camp in the house, Creedence is at work on strategy in her own home. She talks to the foam walls of Stonehenge in her house which answers with smoke from a machine. She demands retribution for her pain so Stonehenge turns her into...hmmm...is that Stevie Nicks? I think it is...anyhow she heads out to pay Brent a visit in the RV. ?Why...uh...I don't know exactly but just go with it. While watching the television, it changes the channel to Creedence outside. A really bad instrumental rip off of You Can Leave Your Hat On plays as Creedence starts to seduce Brent with corn on the cob. Yes...corn on the cob...<br /><br />Sigh...back to the house where the locals are surrounding the family. The family complains of having no weapons...can't they improvise something in the kitchen? Oh who gives a sh*t...anyhow Josh suggests the family do a seance to contact Grandpa Seth. They light 100 white candles or so and do this. Grandpa Seth informs them he only has ten minutes until the clock (which read 5:55 to be technical) rings six. After it rings he will disappear forever and ever. Josh is snatched away by some unseen force to Creedence's pad. He is attacked by goblins until Grandpa Seth comes to his rescue. He instructs Josh that only the power of good can stop the power of Stonehenge.<br /><br />Let me take a break...what the f*ck has Grandpa Seth done so far to make him so important. He answers vaguely on top of constantly disappearing. I don't even f*cking care anymore...I'm so worn out by this film.<br /><br />Josh and Grandpa Seth put their hands on Stonehenge and Grandpa Seth leaves one last time for the afterlife. Before he leaves, he gives Josh a backpack with the ultimate weapon which should only be used if all else is lost. Meanwhile the family is battling goblins in the house. They chuck a few down the stairs until they find themselves cornered. Creedence and the rest of the goblins feels a disturbance in the force and spiritually transports themselves back to her place. She and the goblins snatch Josh away from Stonehenge.<br /><br />Josh being cornered reaches into the backpack to find the object Grandpa Seth has bestowed him. Is it a special medallion that zaps the goblins back to the hell from which they came...no...it is literally a double bologna sandwich that makes the goblins disperse because of the cholesterol they fear in it...excuse me...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">I HATE THIS F*CKING MOVIE!!!</span><br /><br />Thank you...well to wrap things up the family and Elliot make it to Creedence's place in time to help Josh put an end to the evil by touching Stonehenge. Well that is until the family gets home and Josh witnesses his mother getting eaten by goblins in a twist ending. Its official now, the whole movie was pointless and theres the final proof. I have nothing left to say. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT</span> (most gruesome/odd moments)<br />1.) Got Wood - The victims of the goblin guacamole turn into part tree/human. Gives a whole new meaning to having a stick up your ass doesn't it?<br /><br />2.) Pop Goes The World - Brent is smothered when Creedence turns the corn she is eating into popcorn. Brent should never have trusted that corn hole b*tch.<br /><br />3.) Dancing Queen - Holly's dancing...you have to see it to know what I mean.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span> (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)<br />1.) Creedence - This chick is no Suzie Q. If you ever come across her you know theres A Bad Moon Rising. Her Travelin' Band of goblins is no better either...ok...that will be enough for now.<br /><br />2.) Goblins - I can only hope the people that brought us this film realized way late in filming that this film was supposed to be about trolls. Aw f*ck it...from the look of things it probably only took three days to shoot the stupid movie anyhow. <br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwFNmuuCk91-MQ8u7YF-EQXfpoWd_JDVQIzRpBnS6V4ElzpKH0-TC9nTBYtDmfD-rC27TN9llV4KSjaPtjJRWK1rwsEGoYxZFzTtFPhvFRMBI-EwIuuk7j9PmIudjcpcYCBaphpjX2KrI/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwFNmuuCk91-MQ8u7YF-EQXfpoWd_JDVQIzRpBnS6V4ElzpKH0-TC9nTBYtDmfD-rC27TN9llV4KSjaPtjJRWK1rwsEGoYxZFzTtFPhvFRMBI-EwIuuk7j9PmIudjcpcYCBaphpjX2KrI/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586337399309491890" border="0" /></a><br />All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /><br /></div><br /></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-73827092100679276232011-02-22T18:54:00.000-08:002011-03-01T19:48:38.378-08:00The Human Centipede (First Sequence) Reviewed By The DarkSider<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: Sometimes I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse, for directors, that devoted horror fans are hard to shock. Our generation has sure sat through a lot of oddities in our days. Cannibals eating penises, zombies battling sharks, lawnmowers chopping down zombies...the list goes on. With that said, our lot proves to be a rabid bunch willing to take on the next load of gore with a "bring it on" attitude.<br /><br />So when a director takes on a topic that no one has explored in the past, I have to stand in amazement they actually found something that has seldom been covered in the horror genre. Hence the film I'm about to take on now. Before I begin, please note the term "ATM" in this review does not refer to a machine that supplies you money. I have all faith that my fan base will have it figured out by reviews end.<br /><br />We start our story of dirty mouths by hanging out with the lead antagonist Dr. Heiter. Heiter gazes at some pictures of splendid memories from days past. This consists mainly of his genetically altered "three dog" which we find out in the first act has ceased to be. Ah, isn't gazing at photos of happier times refreshing? Heiter nabs himself a trucker presumably and calls it a day for now.<br /><br />The film switches over the the rather attractive Lindsay and Jenny. Both of who prove beyond a doubt that they could have been a wet dream for Charles Darwin. Dressed up for a big night on the town, the ladies head out and somehow get lost in the German landscape. Their car gets a flat, they encounter a pervert on the road and yet decide that's its a good idea to do a bit of forest hiking in high heels. It starts to rain heavily so they end up stopping by the first house they stumble upon.<br /><br />As luck would have it, the house belongs to Dr. Heiter. After confirming that they are alone and on vacation (Jesus H what idiots) they consume a roofie cocktail courtesy of the good doctor. He dopes up the gals rather quickly and transports them to his evil laboratory down below. Mu hahahaha! The next day after a hearty breakfast, the doctor takes up his work in the basement. The truck driver he had abducted earlier is a no go tissue wise so he off's him. He immediately replaces him with an Asian young man named Katsuro. I found Katsuro to be unintentionally hilarious throughout the film. I think that's mainly because I find people yelling in Japanese tear inducing funny. That and he scores the money shot of the film, to be covered later.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6F498Bi9sCqTT41r4qGil5ZsCPSdErpx8ycta5kFs4mppD5IxAhyphenhyphenNky7exjPhB3RL4IEuw_ucsQ_pIenmF3zd4O-HNBmjK9WbsEUqit_nAhfdPGgD3mLVGTYqzpesWEZE2YSvB7V6ILQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 337px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6F498Bi9sCqTT41r4qGil5ZsCPSdErpx8ycta5kFs4mppD5IxAhyphenhyphenNky7exjPhB3RL4IEuw_ucsQ_pIenmF3zd4O-HNBmjK9WbsEUqit_nAhfdPGgD3mLVGTYqzpesWEZE2YSvB7V6ILQ/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577107723607093634" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ouHOO5PRu4UX_pR7IHhf2izFmEvPVEi18xs2lE-XOuibr1_OCgYjX4j3HS9FiZa1YWugIgO_lpGFAOn6RsNNqmrxOFSPy8RXCxaL7msrBRE9UJZJLSbP6KPxrI_VGtcFRWuGIBHdn6E/s1600/hc1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 322px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ouHOO5PRu4UX_pR7IHhf2izFmEvPVEi18xs2lE-XOuibr1_OCgYjX4j3HS9FiZa1YWugIgO_lpGFAOn6RsNNqmrxOFSPy8RXCxaL7msrBRE9UJZJLSbP6KPxrI_VGtcFRWuGIBHdn6E/s320/hc1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577107863318714658" border="0" /></a><br />"Awwww honey look! Dr. Heiter is starting<br />a conga line!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6F498Bi9sCqTT41r4qGil5ZsCPSdErpx8ycta5kFs4mppD5IxAhyphenhyphenNky7exjPhB3RL4IEuw_ucsQ_pIenmF3zd4O-HNBmjK9WbsEUqit_nAhfdPGgD3mLVGTYqzpesWEZE2YSvB7V6ILQ/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 337px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6F498Bi9sCqTT41r4qGil5ZsCPSdErpx8ycta5kFs4mppD5IxAhyphenhyphenNky7exjPhB3RL4IEuw_ucsQ_pIenmF3zd4O-HNBmjK9WbsEUqit_nAhfdPGgD3mLVGTYqzpesWEZE2YSvB7V6ILQ/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577107723607093634" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Dr. Heiter proceeds to tell his hostages what his plans are in great description. You see each of them have a port "A" and a port "B". Katsuro's port "B" will be attached to Lindsay's port "A". Lindsay's port "B" will be attached to Jenny's port "A". In other words, Katsuro's butt hole is attached to Lindsay's mouth and Jenny gets the sh!t that rolls down hill. Get it? Good. Add in that the doctor plans making their legs useless to stand on and you have...ta-da! The human centipede. Anyhow Lindsay makes a break for it but all her efforts lands her the position of "middle".<br /><br />Dr. Heiter gets to work immediately on his creation. After a brief recovery time, the three hostages awake to find out the operation (sadly for them) is a success. Dr. Heiter revels in this and the three folks aren't very thrilled with the result. Katsuro immediately gives the doctor a piece of his mind while the girls remain somewhat quiet because...well...you know.<br /><br />Heiter gets right to work "training" his creation which he treats basically like a dog. He makes Katsuro carry a paper to him and places his food on the ground. Katsuro takes a chunk out of the doctor's leg which earns him a beat down. The next day, Heiter takes his creation out for a stroll in the yard. It is there we find out how the middle man (or in this case woman) gets their food and so on. Katsuro apologizes and quickly serves... um..."lunch" for Linsday. All the while Heiter jumps around excitingly tell Katsuro to "feed her". For me, this scene alone made the movie to be honest.<br /></div></div><br />After a few more shenanigans with his creation, Dr. Heiter does an examination. Turns out Jenny is in a rather bad state physically. I guess there are little nutrients in the third cycle of sh!t. During the examination the cops arrive to question Heiter. The doctor talks to the two officers who question him about the missing persons. Things get a bit heated with the doctor and the officers. However, Heiter regains his cool and realizes he could have another two additions to his creation. The officers however put two and two together (at least some folks are smart in this film) and head out to get a search warrant.<br /><br />Dr. Heiter heads back to the lab to find his creation gone. However, Katsuro surfaces and sticks a scalpel into the doctor a few times. The creation make a run...er...crawl for it with the doctor in tow. Eventually after leaving a bloody trail, they make it to the doctor's bedroom. Katsuro almost breaks the window but ends up failing by the time the doctor arrives. Katsuro picks up a shard of glass and slices his own throat. The film wraps up with the cops coming back and finding Heiter's creation. Both cops end up dying at Heiter's hand, Heiter gets a bullet in the brain and Lindsay finds herself a monkey in the middle between two corpses. So much for leaving the audience in a feel good state.<br /><br />In the realm of horror movies, we as the audience get served up the same old sh!t over and over again. Matter of fact looking back, many films have come out in the past 20 years and blend together worse than ingredients in a poorly cooked casserole. Also on a larger scale outside of movies, we as a society hardly get shocked anymore. We see blood all over the TV and sexual content on every newsstand. With all that said, I have absolutely no problem applauding Tom Six for giving us something that horror films used to do back in the day..."shock". And yes, this film is high on the shock value.<br /><br />The "creation" of Dr. Heiter touches upon a taboo mostly unexplored in horror films. The very thought of it alone is enough to make the strongest of human beings shudder. Seeing the creation take form and exist will make many look away in disgust. However, and this is the underlying brilliance of the film, no matter how repulsive it is one can hardly stop watching. Much like the freak shows of days past, this film throws back the concept of human oddities on parade for the public to view. Plus it delivers all of this with an amazing lack of gore. Granted this endeavor is not free of the red ruby but it doesn't venture as far as I thought it would. Rather, it relies on the theater of the mind and strong performances from the acting staff.<br /><br />Which brings me to the cast, all of which brilliantly pull off their roles. Even though the girls don't say much, their weeping and physical actions are beyond convincing. It serves as a disturbing backing track to the horrid visuals the film offers. Katsuro proves to be almost like the creation's rebellious leader but does not fail to show his terror of what has happened to him. And of course without a doubt, Dieter Laser shines as the crazed doctor. His presence in the film is one of a perfect psychopath, even when he is saying nothing. They needed just the right actor to pull off this role and Laser had the look/acting chops to do so.<br /><br />Perhaps when many people are done with the shock and visual disturbances, it is sad they may miss that this is a very well directed/written film. The camera angles are well thought out and add to the terror of the visuals. Along those lines, scenes that could be filled with useless dialog are scrapped in lieu of letting the visuals do the talking. As mentioned above, Laser's presence in the role is enough to put people on edge while watching it. A simple shot of him eating breakfast speaks more to me than everything Tom Cruise has done in his last 3 roles.<br /><br />Perhaps the sadist in me would have liked to have seen a bit more on the shock scale. For example, have one of the girls rip off the person they are connected to. Also, more defecation scenes would have been welcome. But I think for a first time effort on the idea, Tom Six and crew definitely delivered something special. Even though it was revolving around atrocities to mankind.But then again, isn't that what makes a good horror flick? Me thinks so...<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNnF5Y9NHaLLim_dQIDt3u460kkxwQHDYaBqXRZVc9KrT-xl9v_Y0aSsWX-cWrtpPxZsEnT-xOeLCZIS4loBEq7nDnAAVhyXEDcv-8tbMDdaJ1eJaNWIpBFo-3IzRvg5jPLr15Gg79cVM/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNnF5Y9NHaLLim_dQIDt3u460kkxwQHDYaBqXRZVc9KrT-xl9v_Y0aSsWX-cWrtpPxZsEnT-xOeLCZIS4loBEq7nDnAAVhyXEDcv-8tbMDdaJ1eJaNWIpBFo-3IzRvg5jPLr15Gg79cVM/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578905857135976370" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br />(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-d4RRsjat5OBUos08JR2cUn0E5s8BPStfFGhUXpVmFkDCfmaV9VbWcpG3e1e4JA58fkarcyXY14C0byBErnL88pUjuVr0oehQPHg226LSx_i1wJoucgsZZrF1osfHhQqhxZz5mxiVSis/s1600/hc2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 184px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-d4RRsjat5OBUos08JR2cUn0E5s8BPStfFGhUXpVmFkDCfmaV9VbWcpG3e1e4JA58fkarcyXY14C0byBErnL88pUjuVr0oehQPHg226LSx_i1wJoucgsZZrF1osfHhQqhxZz5mxiVSis/s320/hc2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578906362253791090" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Dr. Heiter</span><br />You can't slight a guy looking for a<br />a "green" way to save the world<br />from excess toilet paper use.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNnF5Y9NHaLLim_dQIDt3u460kkxwQHDYaBqXRZVc9KrT-xl9v_Y0aSsWX-cWrtpPxZsEnT-xOeLCZIS4loBEq7nDnAAVhyXEDcv-8tbMDdaJ1eJaNWIpBFo-3IzRvg5jPLr15Gg79cVM/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNnF5Y9NHaLLim_dQIDt3u460kkxwQHDYaBqXRZVc9KrT-xl9v_Y0aSsWX-cWrtpPxZsEnT-xOeLCZIS4loBEq7nDnAAVhyXEDcv-8tbMDdaJ1eJaNWIpBFo-3IzRvg5jPLr15Gg79cVM/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578905857135976370" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE</span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578907194801019954" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578907194801019954" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0T-RyXFuP2L6nU17vrfm2G4hFupHsy4QA2dxog6JctOmuXUyOcvzWNaSeygV9c3RzNTNcgo4VPOvINmT-ZWgDlR3rqNgoor2nlUX5KBQtkx3x5GI1zHd3YGkZREL7_239qs_GaLaFyxU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578907194801019954" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaUngdo4eODCMsfw7FvmtL23ZgeK2Q9EUw0yG696DXOc1MYWG7Fyt5lJ-KMPmckWrHDfQIa3dvhTS2uZ9NQeqbZ7PmmwrfatXy7c6akIbvAsQo5FO4Sp9fHRb5uzyWzxAe69VsGEK4OJI/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaUngdo4eODCMsfw7FvmtL23ZgeK2Q9EUw0yG696DXOc1MYWG7Fyt5lJ-KMPmckWrHDfQIa3dvhTS2uZ9NQeqbZ7PmmwrfatXy7c6akIbvAsQo5FO4Sp9fHRb5uzyWzxAe69VsGEK4OJI/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5578907022924178626" border="0" /></a><br />All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-22569447754839808532011-02-18T06:57:00.000-08:002011-02-19T19:03:08.147-08:00Signs Reviewed By The DarkSider<strong><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span></strong>: Well it's been awhile (at least as of this writing) since I've reviewed a film or written anything. Life has moved pretty fast since the last review which I think was about 9 months ago. I've been busy with work projects, three kids (I'm sterile now by the way) and sleeping when I can. Its not as if I dislike doing reviews, matter of fact its one of few times in my life I can control the flow of things. However, I was holding off until my heart was back into it or in my case lack thereof towards the crap I review. Hence why I needed a pot full of awfulness to kickstart the review engine in my brain.<br /><div><div><br />Which brings me to the film I'm about to review. I recall many moons ago watching M. Knight Shamwowadingdong's "The Sixth Sense". I actually enjoyed the twist ending and found it to be downright spooky in parts. However, I wasn't blown away like the thrillers of old like Poltergeist and The Exorcist. However, I gave ole M (which he will be referred to as from now on in this review ) the benefit of the doubt. Now years later and after watching several more of his films, I am determined to call him one of the worst directors ever. There are too many reasons to list about this aspect to list right now. But perhaps the accumulation of my negative feelings will come out in what I find to be one of the most idiotic film endeavors ever, 2002's Signs.<br /><br /><div><div>Our tale of crop destroying aliens begins one day in the corn fields of Rev. Graham Hess. Hess is played rather woodenly by Mel “you just need to smile and blooooooow me” Gibson. This was before all the racist rants and recorded screaming matches with his baby’s mama. Anyhow, we get treated to Rev’s morning routine which includes sitting up slowly, picking up a few items in the hallway and brushing his teeth. Out of nowhere he hears a child screaming in the distance. He rushes out and meets up with his brother Merrill who lives in an adjacent farm house. Merrill is played by Joaquin Phoenix before all the lunacy he is known for now. See a trend developing with actors in this movie? Yep, me too. Though I can’t prove the script caused their lunacy, I know for sure my short time with it kind of put me over the edge for a bit.<br /><br /></div><div>The Hess guys rush out into their corn crops to find Rev’s children Morgan and Bo running around unsupervised. Remember this aspect because you’ll see a trend developing by the end of the next paragraph. Cue the standard M creepy kid theme in which they seem much smarter than their adult counterparts. Morgan and Bo proceed to show the guys some crop circles left by a mysterious cause. Of course at this point anyone with half a brain watching this can figure out its aliens. However, we have a few hours of pain to fill so the movie moves onward. Officer Paski comes over after receiving a phone call from Rev. They go out to check the fields while Morgan tends to the flaming hot barbeque neglected by Rev. Minutes later Morgan joins up with Bo who notes their dog Houdini is acting odd. Houdini growls at them when they try to give him water.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimh4lnLTBzaqNEg0J_jnztRu1ACDz4kyI1EA5bXm3I1wC6mb3apa_R14zwIGRgG7z9WSyU7Bp56OONuxq1hHW4bRuWOyFQDBAnc24vJt00_AV4JNbl4Q1b5qkOliRjHOHgafn6ibgs69Y/s1600/signs1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 357px; height: 234px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimh4lnLTBzaqNEg0J_jnztRu1ACDz4kyI1EA5bXm3I1wC6mb3apa_R14zwIGRgG7z9WSyU7Bp56OONuxq1hHW4bRuWOyFQDBAnc24vJt00_AV4JNbl4Q1b5qkOliRjHOHgafn6ibgs69Y/s320/signs1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575569858047373986" border="0" /></a><br />"We all need hearts, can you help us Wizard?"<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></div></div>Meanwhile out in the corn stalks, Rev and Paski determine that the crop damage is indeed mysterious. We also get a bit of exposition that Rev is a man who has lost his faith when he tells Paski to stop calling him “father”. This gets interrupted when Rev notes he can’t hear his children. They both run out of the fields to find that Morgan has stabbed Houdini to death. Apparently the dog tried to attack Bo. Remember when I said last paragraph to remember the trend of neglected children? Yep, Rev is undoubtedly the most uninventive father on the planet. Something I was hoping Officer Paski noticed but sadly, it simply slips through her fingers.<br /><p></p>That evening, Rev is woken up by Bo who wants a glass of water. Of course this becomes an running theme throughout and will make half assed sense later. While talking to Bo about her deceased mother, Rev notes a dark figure looming on the rooftop. He heads over to get Merrill and the two run around chasing shadows. The next day Officer Paski comes back to the farm to take a statement. During this, the group gets alerted by Bo that the TV is showing the same show on every channel. Turns out, crop circles are appearing all over the world…dun dun da!<br /><br />The next ten minutes prove to be a bit of screen time killing. We find out that Merrill was once a big baseball star when the family goes to town. That and we get semi-introduced to Ray Reddy (M in a role he filled himself) when he makes eyes with Rev. Anyhow, the group heads back home and Morgan (who was influenced by Paski) starts to pick up some odd reception on Bo’s old baby monitor. The group plays Twister for a bit until they get a clear reception which kinds of sounds like a group of humpback whales mating with bottlenose dolphins.<br /><br />That evening Rev has another encounter with an unknown thing in the crop. That one sentence wraps up another sequence in the film that gnaws away minutes. See, this is what M does very well. Passing it off as what many may call “suspense” he jerks off camera time nicely due to lack of story. Call him what you want but you have to admit he gets paid millions to do this and shines. Anyhow, the family decides to intake some news which consists mainly of UFO sightings. Rev and Merrill have a philosophical chat which eventually gives way to one of the first flashbacks Rev has about an accident.<br /><div><br /></div><div></div><div>We get about 1/10 into the flashback when Rev wakes up. I always found it odd how vivid people’s dreams are in movies like this. Usually I dream of walking naked through a college campus. Anyhow, Merrill has been watching the news all night, all of which has nothing good to report. Rev walks in on his kids who have aluminum foil on their heads to prevent the aliens from reading their brain. Who knew a 99 cent roll of it could prove as the ultimate defense against extraterrestrial attacks? Well actually there’s idiocy to these aliens later in the review, stay tuned. </div><br /><div></div><div>Rev catches up with Ray Reddy who is in his vehicle and a bit shaken up. He tells Rev how sorry he is about what he has done to his family. He also breaks it to him that he has one of “them” locked in his pantry. Que up what I found to be one of the most hilarious moments in the film. Merrill watches a news report which features actual video footage of one of the aliens at a child’s birthday party. (I guess he wanted a shot at the piñata and some cake) Merrill watches in horror as the alien walks by a la the Patterson Bigfoot film. I don’t know if it is the cheesy aspect of the film or Merrill’s reaction, but it has never failed to make me laugh. I swear if you watch it slowly the alien does kind of a “hey you howsitgoin” kind of point to the camera.<br /><br /></div><div></div><div>Meanwhile back at Ray’s humble abode Rev fiddles around a bit trying to see the thing in the pantry. Nothing much happens until Rev slices its fingers off. I guess I should stop here to point out the first part of alien stupidity. An alien of immense size and with superior technology can not open a door. This is actually pointed out shortly after by Rev to his family. Sigh…anyhow Rev and company decide to stay put and board up the house. They decide to have a wholesome meal while mankind presumably starts to end. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYfv77P-rNLO_OOXo28wUwDGTD19tOp2y7AKPwGt3OyYu53_2rnDhifRARa8oQSNfC7WJsmIvMCGuwllNEaKli2uNVuJqC6TiI3mvOP-v4xCyjbyOfkexVNTr0o3d12OVrTRABCDQ-37A/s1600/signs2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYfv77P-rNLO_OOXo28wUwDGTD19tOp2y7AKPwGt3OyYu53_2rnDhifRARa8oQSNfC7WJsmIvMCGuwllNEaKli2uNVuJqC6TiI3mvOP-v4xCyjbyOfkexVNTr0o3d12OVrTRABCDQ-37A/s320/signs2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575577302909615154" border="0" /></a><br />"Ok he's sleeping. Lets use him as bait to<br />lure out the aliens..."<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div></div><div>After a bit of emoting, the family gets ready for universal warfare. Rev and Merrill continue to board up the house for a bit until the ETs arrive. The family jumps from room to room and eventually end up in the basement. A bunch of minor scares happen until Morgan has an asthma attack. Rev rescues him through the Force (or something) and goes into flashback mode again. This time we find out that the victim of the accident is Rev’s wife and Ray is the cause. Well that’s a surprise. Anyhow Rev wakes up and learns from Merrill that the aliens are using poison’s gas to harvest humans. BUT the aliens were warded off by a primitive method of some sort. </div><br /><div></div><div>Cue up the major plot stupidity. Ready, ok? The family decides to go upstairs and the minute Rev turns his back an alien has Morgan at his will. Figuring that all hell has officially broken loose, Rev figures he should finish the flashbacks. In the flashback he talks to his dying wife who offers up some advice. Rev is to tell Morgan to play games and it’s ok to be silly. She requests that Bo listens to her brother because he’ll take care of her. Rev is to simply “see” and Merrill is to be told to “swing away”. Rev then recalls a small conversation about signs they had earlier in the movie.<br /><br /></div><div></div><div>Rev notes a baseball bat in the room and indeed tells Merrill to swing away. Merrill goes postal on our alien friend who then proceeds to gas Morgan. The alien drops Morgan and Rev tends to him outside. Merrill continues to beat the snot out of the alien and notes that water is like acid to them. I’ll get back to that in a minute. The alien gets destroyed via the H20 and Morgan is saved due to his asthma preventing the poison to enter his lungs. The movie ends with Rev finding his faith again presumably and everyone happy once again. </div><br /><div></div><div>Ok…I’ve been up and down plot devices in my almost 10 years of reviewing. I have seen a lot of stupidity and unexplained theories in motion. Out of all the plot idiocies I have seen in the past NONE pale in comparison to the aliens in this film. That’s right, not the “good food defense” in Troll 2. Not even the “space time warp” explanation in The Day Time Ended. Not even the “killer vagina” in Lady Terminator! </div><br /><div></div><div>Are you honestly going to tell me an alien species with a weakness to water is going to invade a planet that is in fact mostly covered with a deadly substance to them? That would be like us invading a planet whose liquid is boiling acid and a ground that’s made of asbestos. Plus if water is deadly to them a pulsating lawn sprinkler would be like a machine gun and a water park would be the equivalent to a nuclear bomb. Secondly why harvest a being that is mostly water? A sneeze alone would probably be enough to melt these alien idiot’s faces off right? </div><br /><div></div><div>I also should point out that these aliens are rather big fellows; I’d say at least about 7 feet. In other words they aren’t the tiny anal probing lot you’re used to hearing about. You’d figure they would virtually own anyone who frigs with them right? Perhaps rip a few arms off and smash a few heads along the way. Plus might I add, throughout the film they make it a point to let us know these pricks have invisible spaceships. You figure if you have mastered that, maybe you could invent some kind of laser gun along the way to blast humanity into puddles of goo. Nope, these fine folks have to breathe a nerve gas through their wrist onto their victims first. If they wanted to use nerve gas fine but why bother leaving the ship? Hell, gas all of humanity from the safety and comfort of your rotating orb in the sky. Some call M a genius; I call him a serious hack who probably couldn’t match Ed Wood on his best day. Yes I’m serious about that by the way. </div><br /><div></div><div>Aside the plot lunacy, the film drags horribly which I’ve already pointed out is supposed to be “suspense”. The film pays tribute (or I’d prefer to use the term “rips off”) to many films that set the mark of greatness such as War of the Worlds for instance and Night of the Living Dead. These films provided the viewer with a constant thrill and sense of danger. All Signs does is drag its feet with pointless dialog and time killing devices to fill a painful amount of time. Essentially nothing much of anything happens until the last ten minutes which at this point is immensely unforgivable. </div><br /><div></div><div>Perhaps the only shining beacon of light is Phoenix in his role as Merrill. His panicky ways are enough to make him loveable and his reactions are often priceless. Everyone else and I blame this mainly on the script, pretty much puts forth a subpar performance. Rev is a pile of sawdust that has no likeability what so ever. I understand he’s mad with his faith for letting him down. Must it however be drilled in so heavily as a subplot? Also, what’s with the nonsense of his wife having to die to save her family? Couldn’t all that advice be delivered while she’s alive and well? That way we don’t have to follow a whiny introverted prick for a few hours?<br /><br /></div><div></div><div>I recall after watching this the first time with my wife as if it were yesterday. I walked downstairs only to find myself laughing at this film the more I thought of it. It got to the point where I had tears rolling down my face. I had heard from several people before how thrilling this endeavor was and my mind kept switching back to the stupid plot elements. My wife eventually asked me why I was laughing and I told her. We went back and forth for hours tearing this film to shreds. Then after this I called my brother and had a wonderful conversation about why M generally sucks as a director. Ah good times.<br /><br /></div><div></div><div>Since Signs, M has gone on to direct other atrocities I have not taken part in. Matter of fact when I hear his name attached to something I avoid it like a pack of nerve gas breathing aliens. I’m glad to see his name being more and more equated with the word “awful” than “genius” perhaps that’s the ultimate “sign” of a horrible director.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole</span><br />(<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">the a-holes of the film get their moment</span>)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Aliens</span><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijznwCNy1ozwo9eDhEZYQTkSCb05oG6jyFmdgi2Qi37w-YKsFPxY_8oBwk3lyB3C236hQrsCFO20pFppdig5MmJGT1htU3QSqu6m5fQ_YHuEMFGxa2Ygb5lKYomsxrSBkzQpKJItPdLF4/s1600/signs3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 288px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijznwCNy1ozwo9eDhEZYQTkSCb05oG6jyFmdgi2Qi37w-YKsFPxY_8oBwk3lyB3C236hQrsCFO20pFppdig5MmJGT1htU3QSqu6m5fQ_YHuEMFGxa2Ygb5lKYomsxrSBkzQpKJItPdLF4/s320/signs3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575578121761227874" border="0" /></a><br />Perhaps their idiocy can be explained by<br />their habit of hanging out near rednecks.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575565249422111282" style="width: 326px; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisELgmL9s1VV_4AFxQNk0Ua5FlLQjtqvIWJIZSw6Fll38UAbk1Ixs__aSfvnZcrobqAeAAylawIoNS-MsuYFByeNXedJfcpx5sPlLi535DBWbZC2bI36xoI-rT5w4ro_g5bqJ60WhU1cs/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj61133vrc2QJTNJ8BAOV2zjuJep4-NvpL5k-Vq0uEHQHD6_XvXVaV4OZBHS4cr4U8FjExQ2EwMMH1i9NoS3R7cgodvwDbbNDJPWF5yfgsuIMcFjWR7w1Si0ac0Zdjp7ypWssnFKuzw05o/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj61133vrc2QJTNJ8BAOV2zjuJep4-NvpL5k-Vq0uEHQHD6_XvXVaV4OZBHS4cr4U8FjExQ2EwMMH1i9NoS3R7cgodvwDbbNDJPWF5yfgsuIMcFjWR7w1Si0ac0Zdjp7ypWssnFKuzw05o/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575579677001142882" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLp_UanQMcXdrphEgd4NOI0zZ2iPjO7TRn5tr8YPZiSCuJLVtXnsPDj0yUbHYb7RWcDsP7HHgZZPcMeMe0CslesU1H3sw0TrslUnUPAusaDbKtXC6aQc_rh50N-bupJv19ZfcqR4xQG-8/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLp_UanQMcXdrphEgd4NOI0zZ2iPjO7TRn5tr8YPZiSCuJLVtXnsPDj0yUbHYb7RWcDsP7HHgZZPcMeMe0CslesU1H3sw0TrslUnUPAusaDbKtXC6aQc_rh50N-bupJv19ZfcqR4xQG-8/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575579457680064674" border="0" /><span style="font-size:100%;"></span><br /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.<br /><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div></div></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-89637732767424628042010-05-07T17:09:00.000-07:002010-05-08T18:11:45.243-07:00The Mesa Of Lost Women, Review By The DarkSider<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: Our story of webby females begins with a credit roll over ominous bolero music. Yes…ominous bolero music…guitars done in a Latin fashion but scary sounding. For your listening…um…“enjoyment” this serves as an underlying form of water torture throughout the one hour of this film endeavor. After the credits, in jumps the narrator which of course means the film shoots itself in the foot head on. The narration hammers on for what seems like a millennium about how man, as a life form, generally sucks eggs…or something to that point. I found myself not caring after one minute of it to be honest.<br /><br />We catch up with a couple stumbling through the desert looking a little worse for wear. I guess they must really dig each other because they hold hands. Apparently dealing with gallons of palm sweat won’t keep them apart. Luckily for them a friendly surveyor named Frank and his trusty jeep driver Pepe are nearby. The kids are rescued and get whisked off to the safe haven of an oil refinery. Yeah, that’s because hospitals are overrated anyhow.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnO4474GUtiM_kVl_6-395bmxXYRugdZo-Wo0w44sNkbRqKUjEoE2CPdpXIBwxMAgbGKuE1vZY9l2VYsaa2GLJqGdZh8jxjjgxOGyCcmRnfhZ_5Xt3pgKoOoWTgCt7MKujG2HVKX83RKk/s1600/mesa.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 281px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnO4474GUtiM_kVl_6-395bmxXYRugdZo-Wo0w44sNkbRqKUjEoE2CPdpXIBwxMAgbGKuE1vZY9l2VYsaa2GLJqGdZh8jxjjgxOGyCcmRnfhZ_5Xt3pgKoOoWTgCt7MKujG2HVKX83RKk/s320/mesa.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685036329293378" border="0" /></a><br />"OK! Bodies are buried...now its time to<br />shave, sh*t and shower..."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /></div>The wandering guy wakes up to inform us that there is something awful going on in the desert. Somewhere out there is the evil Dr. Aranya who specializes in…well…evilness of some sort. He immediately goes into flashback mode which oddly gets intercepted by Pepe’s own flashback. I should stop here to say that Pepe kind of fits the “Mexian characters for dummies” stereotype. He wears a big old sombrero while muttering out broken English at times. Anyhow, Pepe recollects about a Dr. Leland J. Materson who one day paid a visit to Dr. Aranya. I didn’t see Pepe in the flashback but I’m assuming he was around somewhere off camera or something.<br /><br />Materson arrives at Aranya’s lair which has several mute women hanging out in white dresses and dwarf men who stare uncomfortably at visitors. Aranya greets the doctor and takes him on a tour of his crib which is oddly set up in a desert cave. Aranya explains to Materson he has taken refuge in the desert to perform his experiments. His whole claim to fame is mixing human gland secretions with that of a spider and vice versa. Aranya shows off his two proudest achievements. The first being Tarantella (cute huh) who is a tough looking female that he predicts to live a long, intelligent life. Then he proceeds to show off a giant spider that…well…sits around and looks inanimate. Materson goes into panic mode when Aranya prompts him to join his efforts. He insists that he is going to stop Aranya. Of course this doesn’t pan out for Materson who gets popped with a sedative by Tarantella. I often wonder why guys like Materson just don’t say, “that’s cool, let me think about it” and then bolt to the authorities.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Well luckily for Materson, he only ends up insane. During his stay at the local asylum, he escapes to the local dive bar. While there he spots a fellow named Jan van Croft and his stuffy, yet attractive fiance Doreen. Materson goes into pimp daddy mode and flirts with the fiance right in from of van Croft. This goes on for a bit until Tarantella (guess she read the script to find out where everyone was) shows up for a seductive dance. While she sporatically boogies, Materson's nurse George shows up to reclaim him. This doesn't go over well and Materson decides to shoot Tarantella. Why...not too sure. It doesn't matter though because Tarantella rises from the dead minutes later.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-aqfWKGZWh1z7iAVg2VX9Vicg9zEN8Q1ZAdsV__NjFXkrRetg9CEgxSx5tYOgwn0iGzRRr8KvdJiacsLLftR5zWsDj_YwIqVWzL8K_jxq2j4FowcO9elXl4FqJeOTVhwNoBFe1u1g4I/s1600/mesa3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 231px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb-aqfWKGZWh1z7iAVg2VX9Vicg9zEN8Q1ZAdsV__NjFXkrRetg9CEgxSx5tYOgwn0iGzRRr8KvdJiacsLLftR5zWsDj_YwIqVWzL8K_jxq2j4FowcO9elXl4FqJeOTVhwNoBFe1u1g4I/s320/mesa3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469060319054987602" border="0" /></a><br />"Don't tell me to f*cking calm down! You<br />tell me how we are supposed to make<br />smores without the graham crackers..."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Materson takes everyone hostage and they ride into the desert where van Croft's personal airplane is located. His pilot Grant Philips, accompanied by the valet Wu, reluctantly agrees to take off but is openly worried about a bum engine. Materson insists they fly at gunpoint and they all take off. I have to admit, no one really seemed concerned about taking off with a madman at gunpoint. Don't know, it was a bit odd to me. Well, since we need something remotely resembling a plot for this flashback, the group crash lands in the Mesa.<br /><br />Immediately its apparent the baddies are out on the prowl. One of them happens to be Delores Fuller who we all know was Ed Wood's squeeze at one point. She appeared in a slew of films such as this one and Glen Or Glenda in 1953. I guess quantity was on the agenda over quality that year. Anyhow, the next 20 minutes or so consists of standard "group of people stuck somewhere they don't want to be" plot points and dialog. George is the first to find himself off'd in the group. After the group finds his body, they decide getting rest is in order.<br /><br />During the evening, Philips and Doreen share a pointless romantic moment. Minutes later Doreen spots some of the baddies hanging out in the forest. Mr. van Croft wakes up and chastises Doreen for losing a comb he gave her. He sends out Wu who we find out is behind the group being in their current predictiment. He meets up with Dr. Aranya who is basically after Materson. He has his girls take out Wu in the meantime.<br /><br />Philips later finds Wu and van Croft goes ape sh*t thus running into the giant spider. The remaining three end up getting taken into Dr. Aranya's lair. Aranya cures Materson's insanity (just go with it...please...just go with it) but this backfires. Materson takes a few steps over to a way too conviently located explosive concoction. He tells Philips and Doreen to leave and blows the cave to smithereens. This wraps up the flashback and we rejoin Philips/Doreen in the current time. Apparently they are ok after their desert walking experience but the evil Mesa folks may still be alive. I don't care either way.<br /><br />This film is a shot up mess. The editing is all over the place which honestly gave me the shakes at certain points. Mix this with 2nd grade play acting, horrible props and a ton of plot killing devices and you have yourself a really awful movie. However this one I'd easily put in the "so bad, its just bad" category. There is nothing really redeeming to it and is quite boring at times. Its not like it couldn't go places with the plot but it seems money was low and there was nowhere it could go. And yes, the bolero music made me pucker after awhile.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 347px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br />(<span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">the A-holes of the film get their moment</span>)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Dr. Aranya</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGMoCm6md_WzCbgzGxnHn-OmOkLThcct4_X9AlmemIABfgIbg-qXHlqCZYRgf0Ukw-tu7EVoO9xb8QgZ6zSKQnapu6QiAVpKN0VcfbWhgdy8CVXfWaw4ZUAAJn6ql81Vk0SKUXQ2dHB8/s1600/mesa2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 234px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGMoCm6md_WzCbgzGxnHn-OmOkLThcct4_X9AlmemIABfgIbg-qXHlqCZYRgf0Ukw-tu7EVoO9xb8QgZ6zSKQnapu6QiAVpKN0VcfbWhgdy8CVXfWaw4ZUAAJn6ql81Vk0SKUXQ2dHB8/s320/mesa2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469068102366060578" border="0" /></a><br />His subjects are part spider, part human and<br />dance awful. See also Toby Maguire in<br />Spiderman 3.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 347px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxCH8FL3hDOwaj-k7cS7cT_-Kdqb90sWkPgf3PyGlqWbQoW8DCzio-f_TPANtx7YhKO6JIwvruOSP5d_Tc3pOfB-rqqXUjkE_Ga3MpZjirmWfayz5ubjvqk2NVkywjsLt1BrNO-F6SQsA/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468685108580260850" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB8tCOEygnquP4uf76fZkBnC5HwDL_kx-JqkLhxs5_iRejT7fp-r2PXNscuOfEFwmxR55-RMbz1VRHS8yNw7p7NNSrCBCoWukKWLqnE_fspaovpDucMqMJJgEtDIqAaG3-OMNgHE03_EU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB8tCOEygnquP4uf76fZkBnC5HwDL_kx-JqkLhxs5_iRejT7fp-r2PXNscuOfEFwmxR55-RMbz1VRHS8yNw7p7NNSrCBCoWukKWLqnE_fspaovpDucMqMJJgEtDIqAaG3-OMNgHE03_EU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469069447378976258" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbTMDeft-3wGu59A1fDjF_6jlBAqLiNv3sza0XKXjAiGR5h1rjawwmJLStVweyIx7MHnc2DhUwRa_Ab88wzKkdP_6geroZHZGgaHaaP2SGXG9bFAJmIWslnI0W32rofJmq0w6nWBjsksQ/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbTMDeft-3wGu59A1fDjF_6jlBAqLiNv3sza0XKXjAiGR5h1rjawwmJLStVweyIx7MHnc2DhUwRa_Ab88wzKkdP_6geroZHZGgaHaaP2SGXG9bFAJmIWslnI0W32rofJmq0w6nWBjsksQ/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469069614834941618" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span><br /><br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-22797669270161713042010-03-29T19:02:00.001-07:002010-03-29T19:03:12.186-07:00Potty Pefection By The DarkSider<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjp6BN52S5CfrFOZZZjiMhZP8sIiYoz9eDR-TShJQM9N6BkJA8jc2rY9-G5psuDaEq3tCuGpfOJ26AxZGAH72ZXMj9zgl1ROsIjwad8A5T0bvsP11_CAJ_FPO-tQ0GE3FqXHDPeULue8/s1600/Dementiabanner.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 77px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJjp6BN52S5CfrFOZZZjiMhZP8sIiYoz9eDR-TShJQM9N6BkJA8jc2rY9-G5psuDaEq3tCuGpfOJ26AxZGAH72ZXMj9zgl1ROsIjwad8A5T0bvsP11_CAJ_FPO-tQ0GE3FqXHDPeULue8/s320/Dementiabanner.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454241519956117426" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />Its amazing how us humans revel in our differences as a species yet we shove much of what we have in common into a gigantic taboo category. Lets face it, we all share several common habits that aren’t always pleasant to talk about. One in particular is everyone drops the deuce from time to time. Or, as I recall my principal in elementary school putting it, takes a “tinkle”. Or most of the time, we do both.<br /><br />Along the lines of that idea, we all need a place to use as the end stop of our excretory systems. I have always gone out of my way to make the bathroom in my house a shrine where I make my “offerings”. During each interlude I often enjoy reading, thinking philosophically or generally looking at the walls around me. I recall once my parents back home were in the middle of remodeling the bathroom. The wall paper was down and behind it lay a vast domain of plaster spackles. I’d spend hours in the john looking for animals in the plaster like some five year old would gaze up at the clouds doing the same. I honestly was mildly depressed when they finally got around to putting up the new wallpaper.<br /><br />I should point out that I’m not the only one who holds bathrooms to high standards. I’ve been in many houses, seen many water closets and very seldom think they score in the negative. Well, maybe aside people who own those ungodly soft cushion toilet seats. Be that as it may, people everywhere seem to get that the bathroom should be a place of relaxation and relief. A place where one may achieve Zen and release the daily pressures of life into a giant shiny bowl. Then flush those “stresses” away so that they themselves may return to life rejuvenated.<br /><br />However, all my life I’ve noticed a problem that plagues the world. A problem that steps over the etiquette of everything mentioned above. A problem that simply needs to f*cking stop. That problem is the misuse and/or malformed designs of public restrooms. So many times I’ve walked into a public restroom and tear up kind of like that Indian in the commercial who just had trash thrown at his feet. All I end up asking is “why” or “how” a place so beautiful can end up resembling a dark barbaric wasteland. I truly feel in order to find a solution to this worldwide epidemic, we must explore the problems at hand. First we shall explore the public’s abuse of these fine institutions.<br /><br />I recall many times in my life having to do the “number 2” thing so badly that it took all my sphincter muscles to hold it in. Sometimes I literally had to do what I all the “fecal dance”. You know the dance, its where in the middle of getting your pants and underwear around your ankles you curl your toes and move your legs sporadically up and down in a tap dance manner. This oddly seems to buy you just enough time before you sit down and let loose into the porcelain god. However, this dance may be thwarted by the last douche bag who used the toilet before you.<br /><br />I’d say 75% of the time I end up walking into a giant sopping ring of urine on the toilet seat. First off, I have no clue what makes men think its ok to piss in the sit down toilets. DarkSider’s Guide To Public Restroom Etiquette states if one is not taking a dump, then one shall use the god*mn urinals. Maybe certain people think others are looking at their small wieners so they opt for the privacy of an open stall. Regardless of penis size, no one (save for epically busy bathrooms) should opt to urinate in the stalls. As most women will attest, most guys can’t aim a small stream of water into a large bowl without sloshing some on the seat. Lets face it, mopping up someone’s urine isn’t on anyone’s hobby fun list. <br /><br />Secondly, I usually end up staring down into the bowl wondering how one can splatter fecal matter so high. I have left “logs” and “rivers” in toilet bowls across America but have never found a way to get it in places where some manage to succeed in. Are they people standing up? Or perhaps they fell asleep while doing their thing? Maybe at some point they decided to partake in some vigorous yoga stretching? Either way, theres something unnatural about many splatters I’ve seen. I won’t even go into what I opened a stall to see once. Lets just say I saw a footprint on the ground and was glad it wasn’t mine. <br /><br />Be that as it may, many guys do follow proper procedure and urinate in the urinals. (By the way, urinal is one of my favorite words of all time. Go ahead, say it…urinal. It just flows…no pun intended. ) Urinals are great because they allow one to pull their junk out, do their thing in a gigantic target area and move out. However, many guys still have a horrible time hitting the mark even with virtually a gigantic damn hole in the wall. Monthly I almost step in giant wading pools of urine always located in front of the urinals. I swear once I saw a family of ducks swimming in one it was so large. I only attribute this to people peeing with their eyes closed. That has to be the only reason, everything else defies logic.<br /><br />Lets move on to the social aspects of public restrooms people screw up on constantly. Unless they know you, people need to shut the f*ck up in public restrooms. I’ve had dudes start conversations with me one urinal over about things ranging from the weather to food to the cute waitress they have serving them. Why the hell do these morons do this to me? Are they planning to hang out with me in a lifelong friendship after we pack up our peckers? I’ll make it clear now that there are no such thing as “uncomfortable silences” in the restroom. In other words, talkative douche bags need not apply to public restrooms. I also really hate it when some guy next time me is making sounds of pain (or I guess it could be eroticism) while urinating. It never fails, I get stuck next to some old guy gasping for his life making sounds like “mmmmmmm” or “uhhhhhhhhhh” as if he‘s pissing acid through his urethra. In those instances, I beg my body to expel what it has to at highway speed rates.<br /><br />Lastly, lets talk about what people do to the walls of our shrines. Where many have and will complain about graffiti, I have to admit I don’t mind it all too much. Granted it troubles me to think someone so disturbed has sat their bare @ss down in the same spot I’m sitting in at that moment. However, much like the spackles of plaster on my parent’s bathroom wall, it gives me something to concentrate on. Be that as it may, what really sparks my fury is the copious amount of boogers located on the surrounding walls. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy picking my nose as much as the next person. Matter of fact, I’m doing it right now while I type with one hand. However, I have never acquainted that habit with taking a dump. Apparently many people do because hanging from the wall is a virtual art gallery of snots in most public bathrooms. Something seems so deadly wrong about sticking your finger up your nose after touching your privates and god knows what else.<br /><br />Now let us move on to public bathroom design which honestly leaves a lot to be desired in so many circles. First off, the perfect bathroom design shouldn’t be so difficult to accomplish. The guest should at no point have to touch anything more than they have to. People should not have to touch a sweaty urinal handle to flush nor soil their shoes with a kick flush of the urinal’s sit down counterpart. Rather, things should just simply disappear before your very eyes in a wave of automated beauty. However, I must insist that sensors be set properly so one does not get poop water splashed on their backsides if they happen to scoot on the seat a half inch.<br /><br />Keeping with the above mentioned options, let us not forget how awful designers screw up the hand washing situation in many public restrooms. There are many different scenarios one may find themselves in when it comes to this endeavor. If you’re in luck, you’ll get the full automated faucets complete with automated soap dispensers. Keep in mind though, these methods aren’t fool proof at this point. I often fall victim to the automated faucet that appears to be on strike when I put my hands under it.<br /><br />Be that as it may, that scenario does not beat what I think is the single worst idea in faucet history. That would be the faucet you literally need to hold on while washing your hands. You know these diabolic contraptions, the ones that you hold on with one hand while you wash the other. Then with your newly clean hand, you get to re-soil it while you wash the one previously holding the faucet. It seems kind of pointless to wash your hands with this faucet. Either way, you’re guaranteed to be leaving with one hand dirty. These faucets are usually accompanied by the soap dispensers you literally have to perform judo on to get a drop of soap.<br /><br />Then when one is all done with the hand washing bit, they get to experience the hand drying options. There is nothing I find better than a good paper towel. Once again, I find it pertinent that these be automated. However, I have yet to find an automatic dispenser that doesn’t jam up after every tenth person. But anyone would gladly take that option over those good for nothing hand dryers. I love the process of how someone thought a one mile an hour stream of warm wind will dry water soaked hands. Granted, now they have those jobbers that literally will take the skin off your hands with typhoon like wind. Still, I usually end up wiping my hands in my shirt by the time I leave.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);">Conclusion</span>:<br /><br />What the hell is going on with our society? Have so many decided to resort back to a time when toilet paper didn’t exist and urinating on a tree was the only was to go? Have public bathroom designers purposely become fans of disease? Bottom line, the toilet is a place that needs respect and it simply isn’t getting it in public. Maybe it’s people thinking that its ok because the local cleaning staff don’t mind soaping up their waste products with a mop. Or perhaps several out there are too shaky to hold their unit while they do their thing. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. If one happens to mess up the bathroom in public, they should think to themselves what they’d do in their house. Would they leave a ten gallon puddle or urine on their floors? Perhaps not. Much like the earth, we need to protect public restrooms for generations to come. Much like my patience with this issue, I imagine there is only so much urine a floor will take before it breaks.DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-82380365436191298252010-02-06T17:45:00.000-08:002010-06-12T18:06:35.127-07:00Shark Attack Reviewed By The DarkSider<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">The Plot</span>: Our aquatic adventure begins one pleasant evening at sea off the coast of Africa. A diver surfaces and we follow him to his boat through a bunch of nauseating overhead camera angles. We get a long look at the name of his boat which undoubtedly will matter later on in the story. Well, its either that or the camera man got preoccupied. I didn't care either way really. Once on board, the diver submits an email to someone when all of a sudden a couple of baddies enter his boat. Said baddies, who we learn are "law and order" thanks to the stickers sloppily slapped on the side of their crappy motorboat, take the diver out to an undisclosed location and chuck him overboard with a cut arm. A shark arrives via presumable stock footage and takes him under with some Jaws camera angles to boot.<br /><br />Cut to a fellow named Steve (Casper Van Dien) who is the apparently the intended recipient of the email sent by the diver (now introduced as Marc) from the beginning. Seeing we need something resembling a plot, Steve only receives part of Marc's report which is loaded with gruesome shark attack photos from Africa. Steve heads over to his professor named Jim and asks him if he can go to Africa. There is some major stuff going down shark attack wise and Steve aims to find it. It would also serve as his doctoral dissertation. Jim gives him the big old thumbs up with no apparent major issues.<br /><br />Cut to the Amanzi Marine Research Centre where a shark is being dissected. We find out, thanks to the arm in it's tummy, it was the one that ate Marc at the beginning. (I'm assuming it was food poisoning that killed the poor shark.) The film jumps to Steve's arrival where he is greeted by a fellow named Lawrence who is played by Ernie Hudson sporting a fake sounding accent. I have to point out I really like Hudson as an actor. Where I could sigh about him appearing in this film, I'm just glad he got some sort of paycheck. Lawrence is the local hotel owner amongst other things. He informs Steve that the whole town is screwed due to the shark issue. He hands Steve off to a driver named Manny who proves to be the annoying comedic relief in the film. He informs Steve that many of the locals blame the science institute for the shark problems.<br /><br />After a confrontation with a moody guard, Steve hooks up with his buddy Dr. Miles Craven. Steve gets the unfortunate news on his buddy Marc. He also gets the location of another buddy pal of his named Corrine who happens to be Marc's sister. She is down drowning her sorrows at the local waterin' hole. Steve and her have an uneasy conversation until a local fisherman comes over to confront them. After a bunch of Dr. Evazan-like dialog, Steve proceeds to beat the snot out of him.<br /><br />The two leave the dive bar and head out to the dock to look at Marc's boat. They find a few clues into Marc's death and are able to pull up a map of a nearby lagoon Marc was studying. The two leave the ship only to be accosted by the fisherman again. Out of nowhere a boy nearby gets attacked. Steve and the fisherman use their combined...um...awesomeness and rescue the boy after a bunch of sloppy jump cuts of shark stock footage. I think this kind of "special shark effect" becomes par for the course here on out by the way.<br /><br />Steve goes with Manny to the lagoon where they meet up with Corrine much to Steve's disappointment. Steve notes some near by pillars which Manny explains belongs to the local tribe. Apparently they are to ward off fishermen who are out to catch sharks. (Ah Christ...please don't go with the tribe controlling the sharks angle later in the film...please...please...please don't...) Steve and Corrine go down into the depths only to get attacked by a shark. They surface, after being netted, to come face to face with the local tribe who are PO'd but let them go. On the way back, Steve talks about something they heard underwater. None of which I heard as the viewer by the way. It apparently was a "bumper" to attract sharks to the area. Corrine asks the obvious question of "who and why" would do that.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI2am7EC8oPpfikMstV-awKS5ZSnoiMwTOFtTi7_WBO-A6oFJQA9xHsDQIOa-RwcnZx7gebEfbbhuVXSYLm_EIYStM5oC4XTuBOfFm23aiKtPvTi70bAO8MfEuympQww58trY0rt_slq0/s1600/sharkattack.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 245px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI2am7EC8oPpfikMstV-awKS5ZSnoiMwTOFtTi7_WBO-A6oFJQA9xHsDQIOa-RwcnZx7gebEfbbhuVXSYLm_EIYStM5oC4XTuBOfFm23aiKtPvTi70bAO8MfEuympQww58trY0rt_slq0/s320/sharkattack.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463875087566050082" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">"Take home an aquatic friend today!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /></div>The two head back to the institute where they ask Miles about the lagoon. He explains that the beacon was put there by Marc in an attempt to coral the sharks. That and the local tribesmen are more than likely not responsible for Marc's death. Of course we already knew that as the viewer thanks to the beginning of the film. That evening Steve and company head out to try to capture a live shark. In a bit more embarrassing than Lugosi battling the giant octopus at the end of Bride Of The Monster, the group wrestle with a dead shark to make it look lifelike on film. Steve cuts it open to find...dun dun dahhhhh...the shark's brain is inflamed. We get a half assed explanation that encephalitis is the cause of the shark attacks. Hence, they just can't figure out when they aren't hungry. Just go with it. The plot begs you...hell, I beg you. Steve takes a blood sample just in time because the tribesmen arrive to shark-jack their catch.<br /><br />The next day after a brief conversation with Lawrence, Steve heads back to his boat where he meets up with Corrine. She relays her findings on the shark sample. Apparently the shark has been tinkered with hormonally. It was more scientific sounding explanation but unlike the movie I have no reason the distract you. After witnessing a brief shark attack on a pleasure boater, they head up to Lawrence's house for dinner with Miles. After a moody confrontation, Miles explains to them what he's been up to. Apparently sharks are the cure for cancer. Oh boy...here we go with the Deep Blue Sea angle. Miles proves this by taking them to see a boy who he cured with his miracle shark drug. Steve pulls a nutty on Miles calling his practices unethical and calls it a night.<br /><br />The next day, Steve, Corrine and Manny head out to set up bumpers for whatever reason along the beach. After the movie uses the same timed scared twice, the two find themselves trapped in their anti-shark cage thanks to the bad police. Steve uses his air tank to raise the cage (don't ask me to explain, to be honest it was hard to tell what was going on with the jump shots anyways) and when they surface we learn from Manny that he was attacked from behind.<br /><br />So after a somewhat busy day Steve and Corrine head back into town. However, the bad cops are there to great them. They bop them over the head and proceed to take them out to the place where Marc was off'd in the beginning. The bad cops toss them over but Steve and Corrine make a mad swim for an air tank at the bottom of the river. Ok, wait a damn minute. I'll bend a bit when it comes to not knowing Steve left it there. I was zoning in and out of attention in this movie anyhow. However, I'm calling absolute bullsh*t that Steve magically knew where they were after getting knocked out. Not to mention know exactly where an air tank was in a huge river. Jesus H, most move on.<br /><br />The two escape and decide its best they inform the cops. You got to be kidding me right? Of course they find out what we already knew when the movie began which is the cops are a bunch of meanies. They escape with the help of Manny in a chase scene involving cars that were overly explosive upon collision. The next 20 minutes or so serves as major time killing device. Basically in one sentence, Steve and Corrine uncover major evidence that Dr. Craven's miracle drug kills more than it cures.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjRXfHt1t0kZEuNAYKNy91a4aHpTWhn3bXr1MRNhnf5Ju8MTbZtIkMUGKuMsarReHJaBd1x6tYip-P2ceFngOBlHUOatAUJUWFtqkKurtJxo60QmwGbQE8qZjwxjAAkSnA5OhgMlKmfSg/s1600/sharkattack2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjRXfHt1t0kZEuNAYKNy91a4aHpTWhn3bXr1MRNhnf5Ju8MTbZtIkMUGKuMsarReHJaBd1x6tYip-P2ceFngOBlHUOatAUJUWFtqkKurtJxo60QmwGbQE8qZjwxjAAkSnA5OhgMlKmfSg/s320/sharkattack2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463875644140734866" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">"Alright its ready...I've got dibs on the liver..."<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Steve proceeds to download incriminating evidence (I guess Dr. Craven was too busy to password protect it) from the institutes' computer onto a CD. Dr. Craven arrives with guard in tow to confront them. Steve manages to escape but as a true gentleman he leaves Corrine behind to fend for herself. Way to go hero. A boat chase scene gives way featuring Steve/Manny being chased by the bad cops. Steve makes a half assed Molotov cocktail using a flare and jug of fuel. For reasons escaping me, it blows up in the water taking out the boat behind them when Steve chucks it in the water. Of course another boat ends up on their tail but luckily ends up hitting a rock and explodes. I guess they just don't make boats as vehicles as strong as they used. Either that or this film is f*cking stupid. I'll opt for option number two personally.<br /><br />Steven calls up Dr. Craven and agrees to trade the disc for Corrine that evening. However, him and Manny spot Lawrence's helicopter zooming towards the Institute. They immediately head over the Lawrence's place where they tear apart his office. They find secret plans regarding an offshore oil drilling project he is working on. Apparently bad guys in this film like leaving incriminating evidence around. Steve and Manny rally the fishermen with this new found knowledge.<br /><br />Steve alone heads to the Institute and find Lawrence there. Turns out that Dr. Craven didn't know Lawrence's ultimate plan and that he was behind Marc's death. Lawrence does the standard villain monologue just long enough for the fishermen cavalry to arrive. In the epically bad continuity department, Manny's drives his boat (filled to the brim with explosive barrels) toward the institute. He bails and the boat literally clings against a pole virtually stopping it. One jump cut later, its shown zooming into the wall exploding. Way to go editing staff.<br /><br />In a standard shootout scene (made boring by the fact they all use pistols) Dr. Craven somewhat redeems himself. However, he finds himself with a spear in his chest thanks to Lawrence. Lawrence takes off in his chopper but Steve jumps on board just in time. He chuck Lawrence out and follows him into shark infested waters. Meanwhile, the chopper ends up crashing...chalk up another several thousand spent on pyrotechnics. Lawrence and Steve jockey for position on a buoy. Lawrence ends up falling off and becomes a warm shark lunch. In another bit of sh*t editing, we see the shark that supposedly eats him jumping out of the water...with a presumable f*cking fishing line in his mouth. Did they really even care while making this film? Hell they didn't check out the stock footage they were using apparently. Well no matter, the film ends with Steve and Corrine sailing into the sunset with a presumable empty promise to local fisherman to clean up the shark problem.<br /><br />This film tries hard at times but when it comes down to it, Shark Attack really has no soul. The killer shark franchise has many to choose from (as one can see with the films featured in this roundtable) and this one kind of falls into the bargain bin with many. In all fairness, although the plot holds attention but is hole ridden and for lack of a better term, "silly".<br /><br />Surprisingly the film isn't badly acted. Granted its no Academy Award endeavor but Van Dien and company put their best foot forward...well mostly. Dr. Miles nearly put me into a bad acting conniption fit whenever he appeared. However it doesn't erase the biggest lag of all which comes in the "special effects" department. Or as I have call them in movie reviews just like this in the past, "special-ed effects". As mentioned throughout, they are sloppily done through the use of awfully selected shark footage. Hell, at times it looks like they dove into old episodes of "Shark Week" to get by.<br /><br />In the tail end (bad pun) Shark Attack simply comes off as another mediocre made for television film. Before you swim away to non-review sites, make sure you check out several other site's reviews of shark films by clicking the image below.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://radiation-scarred-reviews.blogspot.com/2010/04/chumming-watersfor-sharkathalon.html"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 210px; height: 220px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv2PCvI0Erpe-pFVhymtrdikaCFL4KyzPjuSIrqGkRBRzJHoAlj1vYBZmlxbfLOM_8GK3XmQx2CmfBHaaCMrHCBI7jIXNp5vm1H6EnZx6pGRsjcJl-6D_6mM5PeMFTPYUhsoe2fZ1EYsU/s320/sharksmall.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5482053000200718914" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:180%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br />(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Lawrence</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwa8tsDtXp2a9kE0csmcqbaUdTDXipcvVLpBivKr6waS2wDm5NOnWvoj8B9ptnkDkDtfrtA4rf6738O2FDCJKiSggjUXnngo_7NW4vGdWGq5h2f_d4vgAJEklrKD4Darf8A5a1lpGHm80/s1600/sharkattac5.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 236px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwa8tsDtXp2a9kE0csmcqbaUdTDXipcvVLpBivKr6waS2wDm5NOnWvoj8B9ptnkDkDtfrtA4rf6738O2FDCJKiSggjUXnngo_7NW4vGdWGq5h2f_d4vgAJEklrKD4Darf8A5a1lpGHm80/s320/sharkattac5.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463877912134024898" border="0" /></a><br />He should have taken the Paris Hilton<br />approach to odd hotel ownership. Stop wasting<br />time with silly plans and do nothing. Its<br />guaranteed more money than oil rigs.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Dr. Craven</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ-rB2DWK4do3s0wpwPGjwXW0abDxOon4Br2pRJTcZUs87oD-_xE467zlJ7DQLPMFZ9eIp5YnvY2gMYouD_N7slTCbBGHU2Kg03WhrI0-UhboNU5T1Zc84MF28Ovb8mJG6F1JFQfJx7aw/s1600/sharkattack4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 243px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ-rB2DWK4do3s0wpwPGjwXW0abDxOon4Br2pRJTcZUs87oD-_xE467zlJ7DQLPMFZ9eIp5YnvY2gMYouD_N7slTCbBGHU2Kg03WhrI0-UhboNU5T1Zc84MF28Ovb8mJG6F1JFQfJx7aw/s320/sharkattack4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463880123164710338" border="0" /></a><br />Trying to cure cancer through sharks has<br />it's side effects. Subjects are often found<br />humming ominous cello music when they<br />approach someone.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Law And Order</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5HNDep2Kxmx2AmA078RBsBAtbA7Vq2TWb_uDCPt-7MpJpCv6EjvefNxZ_l7SnLLub5-Ha2gfUf0rLKmBWLNSsjWouIoCvZu6nDIWBcacYFsglzzjnS5hyphenhyphenjjbH7qJY8-T_ZXttwHFVB8/s1600/sharkattack3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 221px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC5HNDep2Kxmx2AmA078RBsBAtbA7Vq2TWb_uDCPt-7MpJpCv6EjvefNxZ_l7SnLLub5-Ha2gfUf0rLKmBWLNSsjWouIoCvZu6nDIWBcacYFsglzzjnS5hyphenhyphenjjbH7qJY8-T_ZXttwHFVB8/s320/sharkattack3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463881446001688322" border="0" /></a><br />Aka the ghetto version of the term<br />"To Serve and Protect"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 327px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-aiIv6-EClmTC07qXW_ttcHEK0qB94qy2NPbZuZ0alZ3HsfcMoupsDytyemHxMw9DTYV2jeU3OrUJN3fEbzp_qfrzE0tJMrI-qOv_Hy3NOexTimWMvO7R0USTn1kJJDM664fsH0MX7A/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463874958242337474" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHAMMGthatiyiHrw5Lpn2Up1CROelLXq7ACgac36fPzfSWsetXFLr3Cay75cbJTMfuTInsgdwg6BKpuUeV_2VNsFTHY-1AyqN9LAAuVt2tteQiSdbKc0xDfT5iHKYaby6Gk3uHUL-Go2Y/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHAMMGthatiyiHrw5Lpn2Up1CROelLXq7ACgac36fPzfSWsetXFLr3Cay75cbJTMfuTInsgdwg6BKpuUeV_2VNsFTHY-1AyqN9LAAuVt2tteQiSdbKc0xDfT5iHKYaby6Gk3uHUL-Go2Y/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463882334233558082" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKwtzapiE2eybGYmdvNl8qq72vv7kos_iF17KN59NlTqwQGKF9Jbk1dT6ksUK43-Rt83L8Qt9amKGmGx2XQKlC1GrXlfhPn1ZS6rCLNwjnDcf7myugYXPemli2ASauk4kvwMOVTVCsYPM/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKwtzapiE2eybGYmdvNl8qq72vv7kos_iF17KN59NlTqwQGKF9Jbk1dT6ksUK43-Rt83L8Qt9amKGmGx2XQKlC1GrXlfhPn1ZS6rCLNwjnDcf7myugYXPemli2ASauk4kvwMOVTVCsYPM/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463882477445897602" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span><br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-78706168121050389902010-01-24T18:14:00.000-08:002010-01-28T17:53:18.101-08:00<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Capture Of Bigfoot</span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Reviewed By: The DarkSider 1/28/10</span></span><br /><br />THE PLOT</span>: No matter how you cut it, primates=funny. Perhaps its the the fact they pick their butts in public or urinate in their mouth on accident or fling poo to prove a point. I don't know, it all comes back to funny. So when my pal William over at <a href="http://www.beardedweirdoreviews.blogspot.com/">The Bearded Weirdo Reviews</a> said he was throwing together a roundtable involving our close relatives (strictly speaking of William and myself), I was happy to join in. I decided to once again go the cryptozoology route and tackle yet another stinker of a Bigfoot movie. It made me wonder if in fact Harry And The Hendersons was the only decent Bigfoot film out there in existence.<br /><br />Our Sasquatchian adventure begins one day with two fellows on a dog sled in a wintry area. On top of the sled is a giant crate they apparently McGyvered. Footage of this goes on for what seems like an hour while a pseudo-Crosby, Stills and Nash sounding song plays in the background. Out of nowhere they stop for the evening and have a chat. The two banter away about how they’re going to be rich with their latest capture. However, they are attacked from behind by a huge Bigfoot creature. It tosses one of the guys (or I should say his obvious stunt dummy) and beats the snot out of the other one. The smaller Bigfoot inside the makeshift cage escapes and heads out into the woods.<br /><br />Meanwhile back at the trapper lodge, all the men are shocked to find the surviving trapper, Hank, being pulled to safety the next morning. Olsen ,the head honcho, and his lackey Jake take Hank to the hospital. Side note, Jake is played by long time film journeyman George "Buck" Flower. If you don't know who he is, he's pretty much type cast as the bearded loony in a lot of films. He says things like "critters" to describe animals...etc, etc, etc. He's good at what he does and earns his paycheck, that's all you need to know.<br /><br />Cut to our "hero" game warden extraordinaire Garrett who is arriving home to his wife. She asks him where their son Jimmy is and he informs him he is out with his new birthday present. That would be a gun. Ah, the days of childhood innocence where having a gun as a kid didn't mean you were a nut job. The two decide to get in a little hanky panky until Garrett is called in on the Bigfoot case. Immediately he seeks the professional advice of Jake who is one of few people who believe in Bigfoot. Also, somewhere it is explained that the Bigfoot was herald as a guard of the area by the Native Americans. All of that won't matter to the plot though. Meanwhile, Olsen puts a ten grand bounty on a Bigfoot capture.<br /><br />Garrett and Jake head out into the wild and discover the other trapper's body from earlier. They also come across some big footprints. All of this is done in a rather slow screen time killing manner. Cut to Jimmy who is in the woods playing all up until he comes face to face with the little Bigfoot. The two have a brief stare down until Bigfoot offers up this happy expression...<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfH4hcsYu65TazpSFr_e73o77fNWExDBTnDmO8SsbpEWaEmKr4xfJaKicBGy4YKeWT_mfOzbk_QzD1RhtkktV38o63OdQHlQ4Otouz3D7Mm7fUjh4fYswxT-VlbMMD6n5vXNst3OaRBsI/s1600-h/bigfootcapture2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfH4hcsYu65TazpSFr_e73o77fNWExDBTnDmO8SsbpEWaEmKr4xfJaKicBGy4YKeWT_mfOzbk_QzD1RhtkktV38o63OdQHlQ4Otouz3D7Mm7fUjh4fYswxT-VlbMMD6n5vXNst3OaRBsI/s320/bigfootcapture2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5430495150389300978" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Ok...once you stop laughing, go back again and look at that image. I mean is that one of the frickin' funniest things you've ever seen? Note to self, I'll have to make an avatar of that someday. Well, this loving stare is short lived because the large Bigfoot comes back and scares Jimmy away. A few scenes later, two of Olsen's lackeys take a snowmobile trip into the woods. They end up capping smiley boy above which really pisses off the large Bigfoot. In a very messy escape scene, the guys get out just in time. However, when the guys get back to Olsen one of them gets punched through the window quite literally. So much for hard work rewarded. Olsen demands that they bring in the large Bigfoot or else he'll...well I'm assuming he'll punch them through a brick wall next time.<br /><br />Garrett has a sit down with the town's Sheriff Cooper. The two decide they both have a rather large problem on their hands seeing the body count is starting to rise slowly. Garrett does some searching and puts two and two together with the help of his family. He hypothesizes that the Bigfoot was only protecting it's young when it attacks. I'll just go with that one. He also seeks out the help of a local Native American named Daniels who I guess we can assume knows the creature on a first name basis or something.<br /><br />Meanwhile, Bigfoot does a little spying on the local ski lodge. A bunch of white people are together dancing like white people to white people music. A young couple decides to leave the party but end up being fodder for Bigfoot. Local law enforcement is rather PO'd at this and decide to take immediate action. However, Olsen continues with his own plans. First he takes out Garrett while Jake looks on like an idiot and then he successfully captures Bigfoot later that evening using a Scooby Dooian trap.<br /><br />Daniels finds Garrett and Jake and sets them free. He gives Garrett a mystical talisman that will allow him to communicate with the creature. I guess we should assume Bigfoot relates to tacky jewelry. Garrett sends Jake to go find Cooper while he heads off to set the creature free on Daniel's request. However, Jake becomes roadkill for Olsen who takes him out.<br /><br />The next fifteen minutes prove to be even more painfully slow as the previous one hour plus. Olsen takes Bigfoot to a little shack with a cage in it and heads off to brag to local drunkards about his capture. Meanwhile, Garrett works...ever so slowly...on getting the creature out of it's cage. Cooper arrives to arrest Olsen which leads to a silly car chase scene. Throughout, the tires end up spinning on the ice making sounds like a siren. Great work sound department. Anyhow, in an ending that fizzles out quickly Garrett frees Bigfoot and Olsen finds himself burned alive inside his shack. Bigfoot, along with little Bigfoot who apparently survived his gunshot wound, live to do whatever Bigfoot people do in their spare time.<br /><br />Sigh...this movie was a hard one to get through. I'd say the primary reason is theres really no idea of good pacing in the film. The theme repeats itself over and over again with reckless abandonment.<br /><br />1.) People hang out in the woods.<br /><br />2.) Bigfoot arrives to reek terror.<br /><br />3.) People search for clues<br /><br />4.) Repeat steps 1-3 multiple times.<br /><br />There are characters-a-plenty, 90% of which offer any assitance in developing what little story this film has to offer. Rather just a whole bunch of god*nmed research into what their names were for this review.<br /><br />I do have to admit though the Bigfoot costumes weren't as bad as I imagined they would be when I started watching this endeavor. That and the crisp wintry surroundings were a nice touch to have in a Bigfoot film. However, this one just ends up not even halfway decent on all levels. In other words its like a trip to the monkey cage at the zoo. You have decent expectations but only end up covered in excrement.<br /><br />My fellow reviewers have a selection of films based on all sorts of monkey madness. For all the angry monkeys out there look on the bright side, at least you don't look as ugly as most of us reviewers do. Click on the banner to get swinging.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://beardedweirdoreviews.blogspot.com/2010/01/goin-bananas.html"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 98px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4rKAU6eevnK3aav0gg1txt5n3gXn5gbfM0FYt71dXGZcbH8Ghr52onb7B29-sNpB4H-9gCup99Ha_QrBXYBky9XuXtbKODSBQSBxVhegoIuNqyreiKU8BwMmWuuNAVauVFqYIm0KVVIs/s320/BANANAS3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5430495511334058674" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirJuhyphenhyphenvwBGG5B2pqhYqWW691jmmhvxekwPczh0xhzbrXiB3RWRKOYk7_sVeUB6R9itQyQIdofvB6wvd9ebsB1DZyTVcOaG6H75C0gEJ6D_3M54R0PQRebaG5j0UOxTOy16yFGynnAnXoI/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirJuhyphenhyphenvwBGG5B2pqhYqWW691jmmhvxekwPczh0xhzbrXiB3RWRKOYk7_sVeUB6R9itQyQIdofvB6wvd9ebsB1DZyTVcOaG6H75C0gEJ6D_3M54R0PQRebaG5j0UOxTOy16yFGynnAnXoI/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431972060181293410" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole</span><br />(the A-holes of the film get their moment)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Bigfoot</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyY2LBZk3wKfKmHzZXxZGr2PCFYLDcb1mcFJuLJXD6_E9OVFxG-fOMA64hG7P1uGbFZtegW4EoUlG6WeSbhuK__RcASjx_KYG9TCsA_3sNqlgBAUJgynCSbqV5-VoGDUmRRubS6RsLz3c/s1600-h/bigfootcapture1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 278px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyY2LBZk3wKfKmHzZXxZGr2PCFYLDcb1mcFJuLJXD6_E9OVFxG-fOMA64hG7P1uGbFZtegW4EoUlG6WeSbhuK__RcASjx_KYG9TCsA_3sNqlgBAUJgynCSbqV5-VoGDUmRRubS6RsLz3c/s320/bigfootcapture1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431972403226205938" border="0" /></a><br />Rather pissy and understandably so. How<br />would you like it if one of your closest relatives<br />lived all the way in the Hoth system.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Olsen</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizwfzBF54zWQxM3uozGi_9h_BJrg2gMux8cnADJ3z3-0JSC3msQzSc-eq99JIcEKKQlob7qXG6y5yXL7C6X-FUQbirYbGzMkEw-m4f2qvQrUCMPLIUMxEghxt0RFKS0oYjZqvYaD4N3WA/s1600-h/bigfootcapture3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 314px; height: 299px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizwfzBF54zWQxM3uozGi_9h_BJrg2gMux8cnADJ3z3-0JSC3msQzSc-eq99JIcEKKQlob7qXG6y5yXL7C6X-FUQbirYbGzMkEw-m4f2qvQrUCMPLIUMxEghxt0RFKS0oYjZqvYaD4N3WA/s320/bigfootcapture3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431972832843175026" border="0" /></a><br />He likes to save money on construction<br />costs by chucking his men through windows.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirJuhyphenhyphenvwBGG5B2pqhYqWW691jmmhvxekwPczh0xhzbrXiB3RWRKOYk7_sVeUB6R9itQyQIdofvB6wvd9ebsB1DZyTVcOaG6H75C0gEJ6D_3M54R0PQRebaG5j0UOxTOy16yFGynnAnXoI/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirJuhyphenhyphenvwBGG5B2pqhYqWW691jmmhvxekwPczh0xhzbrXiB3RWRKOYk7_sVeUB6R9itQyQIdofvB6wvd9ebsB1DZyTVcOaG6H75C0gEJ6D_3M54R0PQRebaG5j0UOxTOy16yFGynnAnXoI/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431972060181293410" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">Overall Grade</span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinH1kdDgHnFFqMN8h_XTTG13mAQx27A7POcDeHX2g7gzpGVtFFE-ei346qlAgkX7rIsZ7MX6clSX57l_NqAMp-xf7usg8g9xjVPwJyCM_8iT9qEs6SULiZmO5fk9abk_qYY0cDMnTDIYE/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinH1kdDgHnFFqMN8h_XTTG13mAQx27A7POcDeHX2g7gzpGVtFFE-ei346qlAgkX7rIsZ7MX6clSX57l_NqAMp-xf7usg8g9xjVPwJyCM_8iT9qEs6SULiZmO5fk9abk_qYY0cDMnTDIYE/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431973259760931202" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjskYUFIZ8o9weX8NT5NiWsSfPErnr6gs_wgw2dcIF9vFcJqkHQ76-WHYqzF_jj6wIQc99VZiBp_LubIJcCZw9sV2k3xZF-XqEMnem9F7rpUgdwnlfWJNjFsBgkz3nfOKZkSAGb6K6z8uk/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjskYUFIZ8o9weX8NT5NiWsSfPErnr6gs_wgw2dcIF9vFcJqkHQ76-WHYqzF_jj6wIQc99VZiBp_LubIJcCZw9sV2k3xZF-XqEMnem9F7rpUgdwnlfWJNjFsBgkz3nfOKZkSAGb6K6z8uk/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5431973385497084770" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span><br /><br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-58406572457170139682010-01-18T17:29:00.000-08:002010-01-18T17:31:19.711-08:00I Shall ReturnTaking a trip out to stores the day after Christmas is becoming a yuletide tradition for yours truly. Apparently I am not alone either. It seems every year more and more people are out spending whatever gift cards they received on Christmas (seeing the stores are pretty much empty after Christmas, I never understood the point). Or perhaps they are out to snatch up that obnoxious singing Santa door greeter at 50% off. I however, along with others, partake in another endeavor…the annual “Returning Sh*t That People Gave My Kids That Really Serves No Purpose Other Than To Return It And Get Money For A Better Gift” festival.<br /><br />What’s that you say? Did you just call me shallow and sleazy? Yep…no bones about it. Seriously and quite sadly , more and more each year my kids get bombarded with crap. Some of it quite frankly I wouldn’t give to a dog as a chew toy. Don’t get me wrong, I know people mean well and perhaps they haven’t a clue when it comes to buying for kids. I know if it weren’t for my kids, I’d probably end up right next to these people at the local toy department staring blankly wondering what to get. However, after years of receiving many awful toys I can honestly serve as a guide to what NOT to get kids for Christmas. Hence the purpose of this blog entry. Keep in mind, some of the stuff I’m advising against is stuff kids may actually want. However, and I can finally admit it now, parents know best.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);font-size:130%;" >The Multiple Piece Toy </span><br /><br /> I recall growing up one year I received the Speeder Bike from Return Of The Jedi. It was made to break apart with the touch of a button thus simulating the action of the movie. F’n awesome right! Well, looking back I think I may have been the cause of blood pressure rises in my household for months afterward. As a kid, it was no problem to blow the thing to pieces. However, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to put the damn thing back together. Hence why I would always end up bothering my parents or older brother to put it back together again. <br /><br />Along those lines I recall getting the game Mouse Trap one year. My father and I painstakingly put the game together over the span of one hour. However, we didn’t realize until we were done that the game was supposed to be put together while playing. Jesus H…when people mention that game now as a classic, it makes me cringe. Well none the less, the game ended up on top of the big pile of returns at the toy store a day later.<br /><br />Nowadays I realize as a parent what an awful idea multiple piece toys are. First you need to appreciate the sensitivity factor of kids. If one piece goes missing, no matter how small or insignificant, it’s like a nuclear bomb just landed in the back yard. Life itself is doomed and there is no way they can pick up the remaining pieces (literally and figuratively) and move on. And believe me, I really hypothesize that kids are naturally prone to losing pieces. That and said piece they lose usually isn’t out in the open. Rather it’s shoved deep in the crevices of the couch next to that moldy pretzel and whatever ungodly things are growing down there. Bottom line, if you as a parent don’t recover that piece the toy is null and void in they eyes of children. That and you will be hailed as a failure in their eyes forever no matter even if you end up ruling the world. Kids are good at holding grudges about odd sh*t I find. <br /><br />Now don’t get me wrong. Eventually when kids get past a hump, multiple part toys are mandatory. Without GI Joes and Transformers, my childhood wouldn’t have been the same. However, kids have to get to the point of self responsibility before they even take a look at these toys. If they lose Cobra Commander’s gun then they need to realize they’re sh*t out of luck and only have themselves to blame. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);font-size:130%;" >The Noisemakers </span><br /><br /> If you were a parent of a child between 1 and 6 when Tickle Me Elmo came out, you have my undying sympathy. I can’t imagine the pain you went through. I’m assuming you have the jitters whenever you hear that little red bastard’s voice. That and I’m sure you don’t think tickling is a fun leisure time activity anymore. Indeed, Elmo went out his way that year to annoy. However, there always seems to be something next in line to drive parents insane. Usually its something with immensely high decibel levels, rattles on the floor like a misplaced dildo and for the most part is a waste of perfectly good materials. <br /><br />Of course the noisemakers seem to be fun and innocent at first. Your child opens it, plays with it once, beams a smile and moves on to the next toy. Sometimes your child may actually not play with it as much as you expect. This in itself is the best case scenario. However, if they find a way to make that hell spawn toy talk, you’re in a world of hurt. <br /><br />Somewhere I picture a bunch childless douche bags in suits sitting around throwing pencils at the ceiling trying to decide what hellspawn noisy sh*t they are going to force out that year for Christmas. Every year it seems the toys get noisier and we get more and more of them. The worst part of it all, many of them come from parents of older children. Um excuse me? Have they honestly forgot what audible torture is like from a three year old pressing THE SAME DAMN BUTTON 50 TIMES A DAY! Is this some kind of repugnant joke? Are people dumping their negative experiences into my lap? Granted, if it is I’d be able to appreciate this concept more. However, if I ever buy someone a happy singing train then they can feel free to call me a sadist. <br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 51);">Plush </span></span><br /><br />Stuffed animals suck. I really don’t know what else to say about them. First off, they are way too godamned bulky. They’re like a Twinkie, no matter how much you squish them they’ll expand back to their original form. This makes finding storage for these items rather hellacious. For example, currently in my house we have two giant nets holding up all the stuffed animals we own. I’m praying the nets don’t give way because we will all be caught in a tidal wave of stuffed awfulness. <br /><br />Secondly, stuffed animals are nothing more than dust magnets with obnoxiously cute faces. I’m going out on a limb here but I think if you did a study on houses with tons of plush toys compared to ones without, the cases of asthma for the ones “with” would be staggering. Lastly, every year there is a new pathetic plush item on the market kids have to have. This sh*t really exploded with the reprehensible Beanie Baby phase. Couldn’t all that fabric wasted on those things be used to say, well, clothe the homeless?<br /><br />Be that as it may I think every kid in the world should be entitled to that one our two special squishy “friends” they take to bed at night. The problem I find is EVERYONE and their brother outside your house wants to be the one who gives them that “friend”. I can recall with my first son’s birth being inundated with f*cking stuffed animals. We received a truck load of cotton filled critters of all shapes/sizes and the kid wasn’t even a week old yet. Gee, can you say “smothering hazard”? I knew you could. None the less, most of these creatures (aside the ones we could successfully return to their store of origin for a cash refund) are now landfill somewhere. And I’m going to assume that no matter how many tons of garbage they have on top of them, they are maintaining their obnoxious, non-space friendly form. All the while maintaining their ghastly eternal smile. <br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 51);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">The End Suggestion</span></span><br /><br />So, what does one get kids that won’t make their parent disown/beat/castrate them? Well aside not getting the above stuff, one needs to stop pretending they absolutely need to see the “joy” on kids faces when they open their present. Sorry to burst bubbles but kids usually open stuff, look at it and it gets tossed into “who gives a sh*t-ville” until later play. Seeing that’s the general reaction, why not give them a nice gift card to spend. Sure they will think it’s a dumb piece of plastic but hopefully it will help the parents teach their kids about it’s values. That and at least the parents will have a say of what toy their kid will play with. <br /><br />So in closing I hope to have saved many friendships from bottoming out due to awful children gift giving. I also hope to have saved the earth by having one less stuffed animal bastard thrown into the Tuesday morning trash pick up. No need to thank me…see you at the return desk.DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-384539722660973602010-01-05T17:47:00.001-08:002010-01-07T19:16:30.989-08:00Co-Op Reviews<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7KdYlWKLVNRxyrov_FGJjNmKBoh8IJoqlWX_ihbGXgDtP9Oa_OW85c47k2lB-mYtjexdboHwQ5-PlRaCCvdj0encPjFc6Y9gfj7QaXJxbvJfrG5XOs3JuF1PDA0mtVIhRNdG8mVoqKew/s1600-h/darkcircus.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 378px; height: 71px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7KdYlWKLVNRxyrov_FGJjNmKBoh8IJoqlWX_ihbGXgDtP9Oa_OW85c47k2lB-mYtjexdboHwQ5-PlRaCCvdj0encPjFc6Y9gfj7QaXJxbvJfrG5XOs3JuF1PDA0mtVIhRNdG8mVoqKew/s320/darkcircus.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5423437640955887522" border="0" /></a><br /><a style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204);" href="http://flashmetalcircus.blogspot.com/">Flash Metal Circus</a> and <a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">DarkSider's Realm</span></a> put their warped minds together to proudly bring you the following...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2010/01/sleazy-musical-contradictions-episode-1.html">Sleazy Musical Contradictions, Episode 1</a><br /></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-30662639940948559232010-01-05T16:50:00.000-08:002010-01-07T19:15:43.774-08:00Sleazy Musical Contradictions Episode 1<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIx4P77kfEHk_vp62N3GBERfoN0oHu7oXXHnf2Agii4-DcOKpGgYcqmMK-3za75YnlGkmh2aXSEGJDaPhHK53exBoZaX6ImOhSsi6vUdb2Qql6Sd1koTKgY8-UENLNcXsbC5tjLzq4YUs/s1600-h/darkcircus.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 393px; height: 60px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIx4P77kfEHk_vp62N3GBERfoN0oHu7oXXHnf2Agii4-DcOKpGgYcqmMK-3za75YnlGkmh2aXSEGJDaPhHK53exBoZaX6ImOhSsi6vUdb2Qql6Sd1koTKgY8-UENLNcXsbC5tjLzq4YUs/s320/darkcircus.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5423428539861662930" border="0" /></a>
<br />Have you ever noticed how some bands are all soft and mushy about love at one moment? Then the next moment they're talking about naughty relationships...
<br />Yeah...we've noticed too.
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<br />The Dark Circus welcomes you to the first edition of...
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlxDb_VlIRxLfX0laMHTw0Ht-gZR08Z3NDufht5qLjqEjJ5RbplWMHxbrcLIucFYVjy6nvJNx5BJgCnNbbIwFjqqv6qAWywxXZVhvAvXWp1J8O_Dpc90vFsmgOmJdqAiEzuOI3vAPZtM/s1600-h/sleazy.png"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 80px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlxDb_VlIRxLfX0laMHTw0Ht-gZR08Z3NDufht5qLjqEjJ5RbplWMHxbrcLIucFYVjy6nvJNx5BJgCnNbbIwFjqqv6qAWywxXZVhvAvXWp1J8O_Dpc90vFsmgOmJdqAiEzuOI3vAPZtM/s320/sleazy.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5423432741648026530" border="0" /></a>
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<br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 255, 51);font-size:130%;" >Band</span><span style="font-size:130%;">: Atlantic Starr</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Song #1</span>, Secret Lovers:
<br />With a smooth sound and the word “lovers” in the title, one wouldn’t naturally realize what the people in the song are talking about. Here we have a man and woman in a relationship and a passionate one at that. You see, these two happen to be married in a “happy home” but of course they don’t want to f*ck that up. Oh and I forgot to mention the “relationship” they are in is apparently outside their respective marriages. Sh*t, I knew it was too good to be true.
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<br />Seriously, these two have to be some of the biggest A-holes on the planet. First they have the nerve to talk about this issue being “so wrong” but yet it is “so right”. That and they think this illicit affair is about love and not dirty, ass slapping sex. Plus, during one of their interludes they mention being nervous about it being “way after 9”. Of course this is while doing the nasty. How does one exactly cover for that with their respective spouse? “Oh hi honey, I was at Kmart for the last 5 hours buying lamp shades and couldn’t find the isle in the store…” If you’re that ballsy, why bother worrying? Either your spouse doesn’t care or hasn’t figured it out yet.
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">Song # 2, Always</span>:
<br />In a major turn around, Atlantic Starr gives us this ballad for the ages about love. Except this time the love is true, flawless and uncorrupted. The song serves as a half @ssed dummy guide for people writing their wedding vows. Matter of fact I’d put money on it being ripped off by half the people married over the past two decades. The lyrics are cheese filled and speak of love being “sent from up above” and going out to “make a family” to bring them happiness “always”. In other words, if you’re a diabetic stay away from this song because it may just kill you.
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<br />So I guess the question prompted is are these two completely different people or did the people from Secret Lovers decide to finally man up and elope. Did the so “wrong” end up officially being only “so right”? I mean it’s the same voices and its so hard for me to listen to this without thinking of the people in the first song mentioned. I mean, with these Atlantic Starr songs you literally have the devil in one ear and in the other is the angel. Personally, I’m going to opt for Secret Lovers in the reality department simply because today’s society is more apt to do things that will ruin something.
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-weight: bold;">Circus’s input</span>:
<br />Ah, the seedy side of pop music. I agree that it seems to be the choice between decency and goodness and the temptation of lust and sin. What makes it so appallingly hypocritical is that this is a pop/RnB group. If this was some sleazy rock n’ roll band then okay, I could understand – The first song would represent the true nature of the band and their lifestyle choices, where as the sappy love ballad would be done under orders of the record label to make virginal babysitters part with their hard earned brat bucks. But again, this is an RnB group specifically aiming to sell records in the charts, possibly to bored housewives at home washing the dishes with the radio on (toying with the idea of a steamy affair?). “Secret Lovers” isn’t the most wholesome message to be putting out there is it? “Cause if we’re found out, it could mess up both our happy homes” – Well, clearly it ain’t that much of a happy home if you’re f**kin’ playing away! Then in “Always” the lyric that got me was: “I dedicate my life to you always” HA! Now, most sane men and women would have issues trusting someone who wrote such contrasting songs I bet! But, at the end of the day it’s all clearly soulless pop pap for the masses and Atlantic $tarr don’t really give a s**t…
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<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Band</span></span><span style="font-size:130%;">: Vinnie Vincent Invasion</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">Song #1: Ecstasy</span>:
<br />Here’s a lovely 80s ballad by Vinnie Vincent about true love. It’s about a guy whose feelings for a woman are so undeniably great, she’s the only one for him – “You are the only one my heart is beating for/And somewhere out there I know you're waiting for me” - and when they are together they feel it will last forever. “In ecstasy we'll always be fallin' forever”. Aww! From the soft acoustic intro and Mark Slaughter’s soothing vocal, the song builds into a huge emotional, touchy-feely anthem conjuring up visions of walking along the beach at sunset and candlelit romantic dinners. It all comes across extremely heartfelt if a tad cheesy, buy if you’ve ever experienced that excitement and passion at the start of a relationship you’ll be able to relate to it.
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Song #2 Heavy Pettin’</span>:
<br />Now, you know right away from that title what the subject matter of this track will be about. “Erotic kind of candy she melts in your mouth/every young boy's dream she's miss everything." Boy, looks like Vinnie found a new squeeze? Oh, how love was fleeting back in the 80s, what do girls expect when the fall in love with a hot-shot, heavy metal shred god? It was a different chick every night, in every town – no time for love in the 80s. Vinnie Vincent was too fast for love….
<br />
<br />This chick is a lot different from the other girl “Ooh, she'll lick your wounds and swallow your pride”, that sounds like a slut to me, no good will come of a long lasting relationship here. “She gives the right amount of pleasure, she blisters my love zone” – Ouch! This chick’s given Vinnie crabs! She’s a definite backstage bimbo.
<br />There does seem to be love here, supposedly, but to me it’s all misguided cheap lust. “Her love is sheer perfection only one of a kind/She's the ultimate connection she'll blow your mind/In every joy of heaven that she brings”. That’s just damn good sex, plain and simple. Vinnie needs to make up his mind about what he really wants – a girl to share the rest of his life with, or a slutty hairspray harlot for the odd bump and grind? I know what I’d go for…..
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-weight: bold;">DarkSider’s input</span>:
<br />Ah Mr. Vincent, I have to admit when I hear the word “ecstasy” I think smut. Matter of fact the word “ecstasy” would be a killer name for a strip club. I’m pretty damned sure its been used before for that purpose. With that said, you’d figure a song with the title “ecstasy” would be the soundtrack of lovely ladies in thongs wrapping themselves around poles. Sadly listening to it, one pictures the ending of a romantic comedy movie with the two meant to be lovers frolicking on the beach at the end. The scene in the movie then fades to black, the credits roll and this serves as the backing track. Women leave the theater wiping their eyes and their boyfriends lament over not seeing the action film on screen over. So in this case, “ecstasy” may not have been the best choice of titles.
<br />
<br />Now as for Heavy Pettin’, the book can be judged by the cover. Well unless of course you were expecting the song to be about taking care of someone’s pet collie for the weekend. There are no bones about the girl he is talking about in this song. If this girl is in fact one to “lick your wounds” she is more than likely the one that caused them in the first place. In other words, if your privates are itchy after this endeavor you’d better check in at the clinic. So perhaps this girl is going to be the one he’ll have to reveal to his true love in the song “Ecstasy”. I sure wouldn’t want to be around when the sharp objects start flying at him.
<br />
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">
<br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Band</span></span><span style="font-size:130%;">: Warrant</span>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 204, 204);">Song # 1 Heaven</span>:
<br />The master of silly looking synchronized head banging bring us this little ditty about an epic love that dates back to black and white photos apparently. Jani Lane blabbers on about this photo until we get past the first chorus. Then we jump into the current time where he kisses the girl’s @ss about her physical apperance with lines straight out of a greeting card. We hear about the “sparkle” in this gal’s eyes and how great it is to feel her breathe. (Well, that’s better than sex with a corpse I say.) Insert chorus again where Lane promises her that “heaven isn’t too far away” and that “we’ll find a way”. The song proceeds to wrap up with Lane along the “boulevard” with nowhere really to go. I’m not sure what brought him to that state. Perhaps a fight with his true love? Maybe she got sick of his whiny vocals? None the less, Lane tells us that he’s never giving up on her. He will find Heaven damn it all…no matter how far away it is.
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Song #2 Cherry Pie</span> :
<br />Lane and the boys jump from “Heaven” to hellacious in this song which makes many people my age recall drooling over Bobbie Brown in cuts offs. The gal in this song isn’t out to hear sensitive lyrics about old photographs. Nor does she give a sh*t about having Lane wrap his arms around her at night. She just wants to f*ck like a rabbit who just took a Spanish fly. Seriously, according to the lyrics they “swing” or for use of a better term “f*ck” EVERYWHERE. He nails her in the living room, in the back seat of his car and even on the front f* cking lawn. And you thought your neighbors were odd man. Not only that, but this chick takes naughtiness to a whole new level. She licks his “batter” of his “beater” as he screams for her while crying apparently. Sh*t man, I would too. This girl is a serious nymphomaniac who honestly can’t stop putting out. Well all up until her daddy demands the stop of the swinging. I’m guessing thats because she’s probably into incest as well. Hey, she does everything else so why not?
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 51, 204); font-weight: bold;">Circus's input</span>:
<br />I do love Warrant, but these two songs side by side must surely go down as one of the biggest double standards of all time. Both “Heaven” and “Cherry” Pie” were Warrant’s two biggest hits, the latter being the one they are most associated with –although it has been somewhat of a poisoned chalice for the band. “”Heaven” the sappy yet soaring ballad about the dude who’s gonna be “Superman to this little girl” is swiftly followed up by “Cherry Pie”, the stripper anthem for the ages and one of the most blatantly sexist songs period. Cherry Pie literally translates to – Virgin Vagina. It makes you question in what way Jani Lane is actually gonna be “Superman” to that “little girl” (insert bad child molestation joke)? We can kind of let these leather wearin’ wailers off though, as I’ve heard that Jani didn’t actually write “Heaven” and the other story is, “Cherry Pie” wasn’t supposed to be on the second record and was knocked up in 15mins due to label pressure. Anyway, all this talk of pie is making me hungry...
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<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><title>short_black1.gif (image)</title><script type="text/javascript"> <!-- if (top.location != self.location) top.location = self.location; // --> </script><img alt="[short_black1.gif]" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidxkU1GeSZWdbjly6YkPkQ8AZ-wzv1QCiUhMNldGz9bSVC5rvMwnKyVTQIP0x3RalxFN0y6Jn-S0chpknYEmYgEINZvWZkaFYSKoev8F7LpCqcj3ubFvFhT6ZXDa0P4Pvbx7AFwhh5OIo/s1600/short_black1.gif" border="0" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author(s). Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span>
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<br /><img src="file:///C:/Users/Jen/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot-15.png" alt="" />
<br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-59930971895466642352009-12-31T16:01:00.000-08:002010-01-05T17:35:58.466-08:00A Little Sin<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><span style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);">The Sinful Dwarf</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">
<br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(102, 255, 255);"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:100%;" >Reviewed By: The DarkSider 12/31/2009</span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">
<br />
<br />The Plot</span>: Oh the sinful delights of the world. Pretty much everyone around you has taken in something that they felt they shouldn't have (hopefully legally) yet they have enjoyed it. It’s the one thing that kind of binds us together in our society. No matter if you are black, white, big or in this movie’s case…small.
<br />
<br />Our film begins in a quiet suburban area where a young lady is playing hopscotch. I say "young lady" a bit tentatively because she really looks to be about mid 20ish. Around the corner comes the film’s title character, Olaf, who is indeed the sinful dwarf. Or would that be sinful “little person” by today’s overly PC standards? Well none the less he whips out an annoying toy poodle which the young lady takes a liking to. Immediately she follows him to his home. I’m guessing girls in this town aren’t the brightest bulbs in the bunch. Once there, she plays with the poodle and Olaf whacks her over the head with his cane.
<br />
<br />Cue up the title sequence which plays over a twisted yet oddly enjoyable opening track. Once we get through the credits, which is laced with an odd barrage of children's toys, we are introduced to aspiring writer Peter and his main squeeze Mary. I’m thinking not a lot of effort was put into brainstorming their character names. Frankly I’m surprised there was no “Paul” in the movie. The two are an unemployed couple out looking for a room and end up at Olaf’s place of residence. They meet his mother, Lila, who runs the joint and they reluctantly settle on a room. Olaf leads them to the room and once there he wiggles on the bed to show them how soft it is. Just so you’ll know at this point while watching, I realized no matter how bad the film may end up sucking, this scene paid for my ticket.
<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(192, 192, 192); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329330892453586" style="width: 323px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(192, 192, 192); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53BVnPKdtDsNNzihe9mF6yc86yPiFabjDnez0v-EXZHxoAH23OpbSMXGm7Dvw2UeSrpr2z253lF5pwYzuJtx-vvM467a-ngW1Yy8b6MKAHzp38rsH0y_ovyeTY94J5TvT6MMQBi0Gpz0/s1600-h/sinfuldwarf4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329253026596018" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 243px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh53BVnPKdtDsNNzihe9mF6yc86yPiFabjDnez0v-EXZHxoAH23OpbSMXGm7Dvw2UeSrpr2z253lF5pwYzuJtx-vvM467a-ngW1Yy8b6MKAHzp38rsH0y_ovyeTY94J5TvT6MMQBi0Gpz0/s320/sinfuldwarf4.jpg" border="0" /></a></span>
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;">"Ohhhhh, it's so cute and cuddly! And the
<br />bear is adorable too.
<br /></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(192, 192, 192); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329330892453586" style="width: 323px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></p> Peter and Mary get settled and decide to make some sweet love that evening. During the oddly shot (yet arousing thanks to Mary) love scene, Olaf decides to get in some voyeurism. He does so by peeping through a hole in the wall. After this, Olaf is sent by his mother to take care of a problem in the attic. What is this problem you might ask? It is their collection of young girls who they keep in a white slavery ring. They keep them naked and doped up on heroin. Well, this film just keeps getting more interesting by the minute.
<br />
<br />The next evening Mary makes Peter a nice dinner which the two enjoy together. Mary chats with Peter how she has seen people coming and going all day. Hmmmm...a curious shapely blond...can you spell potential future plot fodder? I knew you could? Downstairs, Lila entertains her lush friend Winnie and the two chat of the good ole days when they ran a club. Olaf arrives after letting in a male client to the white slavery room. Lila goes into a half assed Carmen Miranda mode with Olaf on piano which rather frightened me. Minutes later Olaf lets in another male client has his way with one of the ladies upstairs. He may be a little perv but Olaf seems to be good a multitasking.
<br />
<br />The next day Lila and Olaf talk about how they want Mary into the white slavery mix. However they both agree they need Peter out of the way. Upstairs, Peter gets ready to head out while Mary insists on foul play in the hotel. Peter gives her the "yeah yeah yeah" treatment and heads out after asking Lila for the place's phone number in case he gets a job offer. Meanwhile Mary decides to do a little more snooping before heading back to her room.
<br />
<br />Lila heads upstairs to give one of the girls her heroin shot. She comments on how she is using a bit too much of it lately. Lila gets in a few b*tch slaps on one of the other girls and leaves. She gets on the horn with her drug dealer/toy shop owner who she calls "Santa Claus". I guess he keeps things merry and bright all year round with his bears stuffed with smack. Anyhow, eventually Santa's drug runner is busted and he needs a new one. In steps Peter (wow that was convenient) who is told he needs to go to Paris immediately. He informs Mary who finds herself alone in the hotel.
<br />
<br />Mary heads out one evening and finds the room with the girls. Mary promises them she'll go to the police but is stopped by Lila and Olaf. Minutes later she finds herself in the room chained to the wall and drugged up. Lilla quickly types up a Dear John letter for Peter. Peter finds the letter and is rather saddened. He heads back to work and overhears an incriminating conversation between Santa and Olaf. Peter heads out to the police to report his findings. Meanwhile Olaf f*cks Mary with his cane. Nothing more to add there folks. Well other than Mary getting a little of the old in/out from a male client.
<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329330892453586" style="width: 323px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWvFT994e-8G6fZQGOb2T-qs-Sr0vUbTmLKnlmiGXwQHPbneeMJs_Se7em9zvEpxpKCU2j3CP_4a00F68PoKoOBMBPCvTgP6pyKI3p0evBUpblS4FrL5f1iIt_5rbkGiIuDA8DdEKAl0/s1600-h/sinfuldwarf5.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396354678688817042" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 235px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWvFT994e-8G6fZQGOb2T-qs-Sr0vUbTmLKnlmiGXwQHPbneeMJs_Se7em9zvEpxpKCU2j3CP_4a00F68PoKoOBMBPCvTgP6pyKI3p0evBUpblS4FrL5f1iIt_5rbkGiIuDA8DdEKAl0/s320/sinfuldwarf5.jpg" border="0" /></a></span>
<br />"Ok, where do I go for refunds?"
<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329330892453586" style="width: 323px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></p><div style="text-align: left;"> Santa Claus gets busted big time and the police head to the hotel. Once there they confront Lila and she pleads the fifth. However, after a thorough search of the attic the find the room in question. The police hand their gun to Peter who quickly uses it to dispatch Lila. This move, although questionable, kind of makes justice easy so I won't question it. Meanwhile Olaf attacks a police officer and tries to escape. However he ends up doing a lemming imitation (or his tiny dummy stunt double does anyhow) out the window thus dying.
<br />
<br />When it comes to sexploitation (in this case mixed with dwarfploitation) films, this is explicative as it comes. You have naked women chained up, injected with drugs and forced to commit sex acts of the worst nature. So it goes without saying that as with any film in the sexploitation genre, it isn't for everyone. Matter of fact many people will find this a difficult watch. However, if you can look past the shock value of the film, it actually has some qualities that set it apart from your standard films of a rather perverse nature.
<br />
<br />The characters in the film have a decent amount of depth especially in the antagonist department. You have Lila who apparently was a star in her heyday. Yet, you can tell she never made anything more of herself than the local bars. Through her awfully performed musical numbers we see how much time has destroyed her talent. She may try to go back but she just can't hence her need for whoring out girls.
<br />
<br />Meanwhile Olaf is a character that seems to cling a childhood he never had. He plays with toys devilishly and cuddles with his mother. However, he commits horrible acts that makes you wonder if he either grew up too quickly or perhaps not at all. Maybe I'm reading too much into the film's characters but at least they didn't fail to interest me. Even the good guys who were kind of your generic happy go lucky couple.
<br />
<br />Acting wise the film is nothing horribly special but the cast pulls it off nicely. The desolate mood of the film is set nicely and the decrepid hotel really added to the sleaze theme. There are several scenes of tension and the film throws in a few false scares here and there to keep the viewer on their toes. The film was recently brought on DVD by Severin Films who seem to specialize in the grindhouse/sexploitation genre so many people adore. The Sinful Dwarf is what it is and knew what it was out to deliver which would be the sleaze factor. However there is a little something extra there. No dwarf pun intended there.
<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5396329330892453586" style="width: 323px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></p> <div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span></span>
<br />(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
<br />
<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Olaf</span>
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioJ8ozV1t3_UmFHRhv2H1Bv4qS6O6OmtXAz_3Btjk48xPR6T1BNoVjuQ6bKXpGA1-40Y_G-o0UusUZ0-23aR7O-1pb3u0mntvz976wM2k5XyYTCx2omymMWU6_M82AoSn-dorEJtEv6h0/s1600-h/sinfuldwarf3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421549970505545298" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 282px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioJ8ozV1t3_UmFHRhv2H1Bv4qS6O6OmtXAz_3Btjk48xPR6T1BNoVjuQ6bKXpGA1-40Y_G-o0UusUZ0-23aR7O-1pb3u0mntvz976wM2k5XyYTCx2omymMWU6_M82AoSn-dorEJtEv6h0/s320/sinfuldwarf3.jpg" border="0" /></a>
<br />Currently head pimp in the red light
<br />district of Munchkin Land.
<br />
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Lila</span>
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGndihuyCEfmVcJFob_dOoPRyNt3-Mh7WEB8-GYa4JNIT_fUUHbc7pnUteMZy1V1RvuK28lbY7au-dqj5Y93OdrPH7NzX4LtGKdFHBxwhiGjQBQl-I7TyeBXJrsXKh5vcFxhe1AHtEBno/s1600-h/sinfuldwarf2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421550209773700354" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 267px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGndihuyCEfmVcJFob_dOoPRyNt3-Mh7WEB8-GYa4JNIT_fUUHbc7pnUteMZy1V1RvuK28lbY7au-dqj5Y93OdrPH7NzX4LtGKdFHBxwhiGjQBQl-I7TyeBXJrsXKh5vcFxhe1AHtEBno/s320/sinfuldwarf2.jpg" border="0" /></a>
<br />Aka, Mrs. Hannigan from Annie
<br />but with whores.
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(204, 204, 204);"></span>
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Santa Claus</span>
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcbWmyCTQIK5NsICvxRS4gSncvecaPlwSolXTM0ijy9G2F9mc22wc5Li7QKiazlvHVsnVkIcFjwQ3K2unnl7t9C5eCF3tQYPaDsytiiK0R_ZLlqg8DA-8VFUxgiObncZckuqNSE4CejBI/s1600-h/sinfuldwarf1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421550043654885250" style="width: 314px; cursor: pointer; height: 285px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcbWmyCTQIK5NsICvxRS4gSncvecaPlwSolXTM0ijy9G2F9mc22wc5Li7QKiazlvHVsnVkIcFjwQ3K2unnl7t9C5eCF3tQYPaDsytiiK0R_ZLlqg8DA-8VFUxgiObncZckuqNSE4CejBI/s320/sinfuldwarf1.jpg" border="0" /></a>
<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Hey, how else is one man supposed to pay for
<br />presents for kids around the world other than to
<br />deal some crack?
<br /><title>short_black.gif (image)</title><script type="text/javascript"> <!-- if (top.location != self.location) top.location = self.location; // --> </script><img alt="[short_black.gif]" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitOHhxlvIQbNlKwR8wwxeewoAI4nK9apXCeHTskA1v7_fdYipbkGUZCkB3JK3HimCYx2EpvEmBjWEJRfeaNv-A2pgCPDMPgOlDrG7-eeeh0d6UZlqfkTCVdzCU4M9JKW297ArT67Ozl-w/s1600/short_black.gif" border="0" />
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >OVERALL GRADE</span>
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421557564495242306" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421557564495242306" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu6InoZujirQaW0qNtv-V2Jp5WujaSYDidl_mr3rDa5SpkJ7Ni8DUy4twkoxVGbNgahTtlCVnrG63sd3p9mNJ0H8B-YT23U0CmeYIfuBJqAcdUADDhW_DoZcgrwgw-bFG6CX-VgzdwWQQ/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421557564495242306" border="0" /></a>
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidxkU1GeSZWdbjly6YkPkQ8AZ-wzv1QCiUhMNldGz9bSVC5rvMwnKyVTQIP0x3RalxFN0y6Jn-S0chpknYEmYgEINZvWZkaFYSKoev8F7LpCqcj3ubFvFhT6ZXDa0P4Pvbx7AFwhh5OIo/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidxkU1GeSZWdbjly6YkPkQ8AZ-wzv1QCiUhMNldGz9bSVC5rvMwnKyVTQIP0x3RalxFN0y6Jn-S0chpknYEmYgEINZvWZkaFYSKoev8F7LpCqcj3ubFvFhT6ZXDa0P4Pvbx7AFwhh5OIo/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421557716708855762" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span>
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<br /></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-27377404546880029452009-12-08T16:11:00.000-08:002009-12-08T16:14:57.235-08:00Look Ma! I'm A Rocket Scientist!<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuw8CZsg4ljY-BQESsWRjiCD5JHu14nXlX5enMOV7b48g_aqh9FvkKoyNwqlgO2iCPA54-31vGX_AKREIvFwFA5AgKYQnyiUDNeNBM6Dgwg0YVZ2r_urW6GoMlcBgPGLxSnHV8oBd7EXw/s1600-h/Dementiabanner.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 77px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuw8CZsg4ljY-BQESsWRjiCD5JHu14nXlX5enMOV7b48g_aqh9FvkKoyNwqlgO2iCPA54-31vGX_AKREIvFwFA5AgKYQnyiUDNeNBM6Dgwg0YVZ2r_urW6GoMlcBgPGLxSnHV8oBd7EXw/s320/Dementiabanner.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5413022682296877058" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">As one walks through life, it is a given one will hear many expressions. When its hot out someone will tell you its humidity. If you find yourself in a jam you may be identified as being up the creek without a paddle. One expression in particular, and the general focus of this essay, that I’ve heard in my life frequently is “it’s not rocket science”. This would be pointing out that something is not at all complex and the every day Joe can handle it. Seriously, we all must hear that ten times a year and it never gets old. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">“Sure I can help you change your oil, its not rocket science.” </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">“Give me that damn controller, it’s not rocket science to program a DVR.”</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">“Hey help me with this booster engine on the shuttle, its not rocket science….oh wait a minute…”</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Yes we sure kiss the asses…er…brains of rocket scientists frequently in our society don‘t we? Aside that aspect, what are we actually saying about many things in our society when we bring up that old saying? Well it isn’t rocket science (sorry) to find out we are calling things relatively easy. So with that expression being said so much by so many people about so many things, why is it I keep coming across dummies. I mean seriously, at least 5 times a day I stare into the gaping eyes of someone who has no clue. And that’s not even counting the times I stare into the mirror (see I can make fun of myself too). These people are everywhere and seem to be road kill on the information superhighway. Don’t get me wrong, if you choose to not embrace technology then by all means enjoy your log cabin and your hearth. Then again if that was your lifestyle…you wouldn’t be reading this unless someone printed it out for you. But I digress…the focus of this article is to point out the top three things in our society that perhaps are rocket science to many people…most unfortunately might I add. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192); font-weight: bold;">Self Checkouts At The Grocery Store </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">As an alumni of past retail work, I can honestly say that I was one of the quickest cashiers of all time. In my prime, I could scan three customers to my colleague’s one. Yeah, tell me that don’t get all you ladies reading right now hot. Keep in mind though I have long since hung up my work vest/name tag and moved on to a more professional environment. However, the passion of the checkout game stays with me until this day. Whenever I go to a clerk, I think in the back of my head, “I can do this faster than you”. Yep, I have no life. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">So you can only imagine my excitement when I discovered the self checkouts at the grocery store. Finally, a beacon of light had arrived for those wanting to pay for their items and control their destiny scan wise. A system that would weed out those not worthy to call themselves cashiers. Better yet, a system that would get you around those old ladies who rummage for change in their purse for twelve hours to pay for their items while you stand like a lump on a log with your melting pizza rolls and sweaty six pack of soda. Most importantly it was to be a system for cool and hip people to get in and get out of the grocery store quickly. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">At first, the self checkout proved to be everything said in the above paragraph. Fast and savvy people were the only ones using it while the slow and computer challenged stayed with the human cashiers. Then word started to spread…sadly. Slowly but surely the incompetent began to invade the once trouble free zone in the supermarket. More and more you started to hear the kind recorded voice blaring “assistance is needed with your purchase” out of the self checkout. There were mass incidents of people staring blankly at the screen as if the computer had something to do with their f*ck ups. Then don’t forget the people who fall into the “how come the checkout won’t let me scan anymore, I only have 200 items that are falling over the edge of the bagging area” camp. Then there are the people who genuinely think those machines are there for their entertainment. Nope sorry , its all business and no one is allowed to play. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Indeed self checkouts have proven to stump a large percentage of the population. The big question is “why”? Pretty much everything has a barcode. You match point “A” (barcode) to point “B” (scanner) and it beeps. End of story. Even for stuff without the barcode they give you an easy search screen to find your item. If one is buying a pomegranate, all they have to do is type in the first three letters and they’ll see the picture of the shiny red fruit on the screen. Then, and I know this may prove tough for some people, one has to enter the quantity of the items they are buying. These are all entry level skills that somehow puzzle mass quantities of the general public. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">So now when I venture out to the grocery store I hang my head low. The self checkouts are always packed three deep with mostly moronic people. Where am I in this mess you may ask? I’m standing with my pizza rolls and six pack of soda in the human cashier line…behind the old lady dishing out five dollars in loose change. You know, to save time. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192); font-weight: bold;">Microwave Ovens</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">How many times has this happened to you? You’re sitting at work doing your thing when all of a sudden a distinct odor floats in from the break room. At first it is faint but then slowly it starts to grow stronger. Then you see smoky cloud drifting your way. You grasp your neck in panic mode thinking it is a toxic gas leaking from one of the building’s pipes. Grabbing an article of clothing, you cover your mouth and start to head for the exit. You alert people along the way causing mass panic. As you look up you see the cloud starting to grow above your head. You wonder if in fact you will ever see your friends and family outside of work again. Could this be the thing that stops you in your tracks? Has fate written you off to a demise involving your lungs being destroyed? When all hope is lost and you’re on your knees ready to repent you find out Melvin from the corner cubical has burned the popcorn again in the microwave. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">The microwave oven seems to be an immense cause of false alarms in our society. I often wonder how many times the brave men and women of our fire departments had to run out because someone overheated their 5 minute meals by at least 10 minutes. I simply can not justify why this happens in our society. First off, the time on warming things up in a microwave is kind of universal. That is why it is listed on the packaging of a good percent of items you heat in a microwave. Even if the item isn’t as hot as you want it after the allotted time, put it in for a minute longer and wait for it. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">This preludes to the next thing people constantly do wrong and that is walk away while their food is warming up. I don’t know how many bags of popcorn I have seen come out looking like smoking rabbit turds because someone overheated it. I just want to confront these people in the most rude way possible. All it takes is a few minutes to pop that bag of popcorn so don’t bother running to the restroom, they need to stick around…their urine isn’t going anywhere. Listen for the last pop or two and stop the microwave. It will save their coworkers the displeasure of gagging on the stench of burnt popcorn for the rest of the day. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Oh and pssssst….many microwaves have dummy proof settings nowadays that will allow one to heat things accordingly to the food type. Perhaps that’s too challenging for some to match the food they are heating up with the written words on the microwave. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192); font-weight: bold;">ATMs</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Perhaps if there was one thing that started the self serve machinery explosion it’s this fine contraption. Back in the day one would have to fill out a slip and make sure they got their ass to the banker during the standard hours. If not, no beer or lap dances for you on Friday night at the local strip club sucka. However with this fine invention, we can acquire cash (if we happen to actually have it in the account) at any point in the day. All we need is our little plastic card, our pin number and its party time baby. Its almost like a slot machine…except you’re not winning anything…but you still smile when you see those twenties coming at you don‘t you? </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">However, many people in the general population just can’t seem to figure this out. It seemed to be ok for a bit but I’m noticing more and more incidents of puzzled behavior at the ATM. Perhaps it’s the one extra question people have to answer of what language they’d like. Or maybe it’s the brail on some machines the most puzzling I’ll admit are the drive up ones. (???) Regardless of what is causing it, there is a painful amount of people out there that just don’t get standard ATM operative procedures. Keep in mind this isn’t deposits with cash back or cash transfer procedures people are doing either. Rather, a simple insert your car, put in your pin, tell the machine how much you want and walk away. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">It seems I’m always behind the person having issues. First off they never seem to have their ATM card ready. Yet, they take up a block of space in front of the ATM while they rummage through their belongings trying to find their card. After said person spends 5 minutes struggling past the sunglass case, bottle of water, numerous receipts, small pack of tissues, crumpled up dollar bills and the three ring circus to find their wallet in their purse they proceed to their next level of annoyance. That would be the finger fidgeting fun of pulling out 100 or so cards out of their wallet until they find their ATM card. It usually seems to be the last one they find too. Can’t these people have their sh*t ready before hand? Is that honestly asking a bit too much?</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Finally said person above becomes the honorary operator of the ATM. After staring for a minute trying to figure out the right way to insert their card, the fun really begins. Extending their pointer finger like they are about to touch a sharp object, they slowly begin to type their 4 digit password. After this, they carefully examine the on screen instructions as if they are reading the climax of a murder mystery novel. Once the machine finally issues the cash, they look around to find where the cash is as if it were an Easter egg. So, after what seems like half your life has gone by, they pack up their cash remaining in front of the ATM. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">Keep in mind, this is one of the easier situations I find myself in lately with ATMs. Forbid you’re ever like me and end up behind the person who you’d swear is trying to hack the bank’s mainframe computer from the ATM. These are the people who will have their cards spit back at them for whatever incoherence they have by the machine. However, they persist to put the card back into the machine like it will matter the second, third or fourth time around. When the machine keeps rejecting their card I honestly think its saying, “are you that f*cking stupid”. Bottom line, acquiring twenty bucks shouldn’t be like acquiring the Golden Fleece. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(192, 192, 192);">In closing, I often wonder if so many in our society are ready for such easy access things as listed above. Perhaps one should have to take a test before using these things. Or maybe a few years of shock therapy will help those who can’t man these fine machines. Either way, the basic principal is if someone doesn’t know how to use something properly then they should put forth a better effort to learn it. That and they shouldn’t get mad if a person like me is around huffing and puffing because they’re taking a few minutes longer to get things right. If you seriously compiled the time you wasted on another’s stupidity it would be staggering. I think time should be better spent. I say take your money out of the ATM, pay for your pizza rolls at the self checkout and heat them up properly in the microwave when you get home. If you have that figured out then apparently you can do rocket science on a high level. </span><br /></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-59484954541641495422009-11-20T17:49:00.000-08:002009-11-26T16:57:52.862-08:00Hungry Like The Shapeshifter<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Plot</span>: Ah the world of cinematic build ups, you've gotta love them. Time and time again we see their pattern;<br /><br />1.) The leaked photos of the cast members doing, well...nothing much on set. But you get to see them and that's cool.<br /><br />2.) The long awaited teaser trailer that has 30 seconds of, well...nothing much minus a few scenes and sound bites. But you get to see it and that's cool.<br /><br />3.) The merchandising including calenders, action figures, posters all of which you end up buying with money you don't have.<br /><br />4.) The medium sized teaser trailer that has a few more lines of dialog than it's predecessor. However this is the one that finally puts you into adrenaline overdrive. This is the trailer that makes you say "I'm SO f*ckin' there opening day man".<br /><br />5.) The long trailer which makes you say "Now I'm really SO f*cking there opening day man".<br /><br />6.) The interviews with cast members talking about how this film will break all the rules and stereotypes of anything like it.<br /><br />The last one seems to be kind of ironic to me seeing the first five follow the same old sh*t principal of any so called potential blockbusters over the past 2o years. However, we just seem to fall right for these flicks like some high school crush don't we? Hell, I fell for it most recently with the Star Wars prequels, Cloverfield and The Dark Knight. All of those films ended up kind of sucking to be honest.<br /><br />So where am I going with this? The newbie (as of this writing) in The Twilight Saga, New Moon, pretty much followed this pattern as well. I had just finished writing my review of Twilight (thanks for the positive feedback btw) and New Moon was around step number 4 in the hype process. The anticipation level was just starting to bubble over for the film. As step 5 and 6 were reached, you'd better bet it was a full out explosion of Twilight phenomenon. There was talk of how New Moon was going to be one of the biggest openings in cinematic history. People everywhere couldn't escape the images of Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson posing like they were on some cheesy romance novel. Hell even I saw the long trailer and thought, "that doesn't look all that bad".<br /><br />So on the Friday it came out I was sent out on a mission by my wife to get advanced tickets for Saturday's showing. After obtaining the tickets, I perused the online reviews and skipped over the ones that were plastered with "OMG". ("OMG" overuse roughly relates to "annoying teen-tard" by the way.) Be that as it may, I dropped all notions early about it being possibly worst than the previous one. I mean how could anything be much worst? So, with tickets in hand we marched into the theater Saturday afternoon. Two hours later...I walked out saying to myself...<br /><br />OMG...that was like totally not nearly...OMG...as bad as the original...OMG. However, we have many bumps story and movie wise so I figured what the hell, lets do this Twilight Saga review thing again. Once again, sit back, try to enjoy and offer no Twi-tardation if you are a fan of the series.<br /><br />We start the film with Bella and Edward hanging out in a field. Bella sees her grandmother over yonder and decides she should introduce her sparkly boyfriend. And yes, they bring out the sparkly thing in the first two minutes which made me shudder once again. Anyhow, Bella goes over and does an E.T. finger touch with her grandmother thus turning her into...well...her grandmother. Of course this is all part of an elaborate dream sequence she is having symbolizing how Eddie is staying the same while she ages. Makes sense too because she is turning the ripe old age of...um...18. Bella wakes up to her father giving her a gift and she mildly scolds him about how he shouldn't have. Jesus H. chick, take the damn gift and shut up.<br /><br />Bella heads off to school and meets up with the human extras no one really cares about. They chat for a bit until Edward shows up. After walking in slow motion for what seems like half the movie, Edward wishes Bella a happy birthday. This is interrupted when Jacob arrives to wish Bella the same. Bella notes how jacked Jacob has become which of course is a foreshadow to an onslaught of topless Jacob shots later on. More on that later. Jacob gives her a dream catcher while Edward moodily sulks off to the side. IOW, Edward just acts like he normally does.<br /><br />Once in school, they meet up with (in desperate in need of decaf blood) Alice and (get a new haircut or remove that dead animal on your head) Jasper. They invite Bella to the house later that evening for a good old fashioned vampire birthday celebration. Before that though, we need some way too convenient plot exposition for stuff that will happen later in the movie. Hence, a classroom viewing of Romeo And Juliet in which Bella and Edward end up in a deep (or at least the film tries) philosophical discussion about suicide. Edward introduces the Volturi which are like the Dons of vampire activity. They live in Italy where they enforce the loosey goosey vampire laws with the only real one being don't make a spectacle of yourself. Other than that they kind of hang out and eat tourists all day. Anyhow, they are the ones to see if a vampire wants to off themselves.<br /><br />After a scene where Edward recites part of Romeo and Juliet (while Shakespeare rolls over in his grave somewhere), we join up with the Cullens later that evening. Edward's clan all welcome Bella and provide her with presents. One of the presents end up causing a paper cut on Bella which throws Jasper into a blood frenzy. Edward protects Bella (by chucking her full force into a table with glass all over it) and the group do their best to restrain Jasper. Bella gets sliced by broken glass and Carlisle brings her aside to stitch her up. The two have a conversation about vampire life and how Edward feels his soul is damned. I guess that would partially explain his constant whinyness. Anyhow, Edward eventually brings Bella back home and the two part ways awkwardly.<br /><br />Time goes by and Edward's clan seems to have been 86'd. This goes on for a bit until one day Edward shows up at Bella's place. He takes her out for a walk and proceeds to dump her in the middle of the forest because his clan is taking off. I figured that at this point, one viewing the film could take a bathroom break. I mean how long do break up scenes last usually? A minute or two? So I left, walked down the hall, relieved myself, washed my hands, stared at a few upcoming attraction posters and headed back. Five minutes later, they were still f*cking breaking up. Well luckily it was the tail end so I could skip all of the melodrama. However, I probably should have stopped for popcorn to avoid the whole of it.<br /><br />Edward ends up leaving Bella for dead in the forest. However she is later rescued by a shirtless fellow named Sam who is part of Jacob's tribe. (More on him later.) Ok, at this point anyone with half a brain would probably say "ok screw Edward". I mean if a significant other, friend or even a family member left you in the middle of the woods you'd only want to see them again so you could rip their head off right? Well Miss Swan deals with her anger differently. She goes off the deep end rather quickly. She laments over losing Edward and her Cullen buddies. She stares out the window, apparently for several months, with a blank expression (not too odd for Bella) while dealing with nightmares in the evening. She sends Alice several undeliverable emails (you'd figure she'd take a hint after the first two bounced) and sits by herself at school.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgdcRMEgm-ZkbFrJvbuMdPOVLipVlVnb_7CVA6vJX84pj-I0mXj0zwfVgraqh3aIo5XgyRQf0agydykrUDnN94p-uQ1U5tAQML_33KWsJkkkkwXchj1GFbx4sHzvYAPcXOg5S1Osc_ctQ/s1600/newmoon1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgdcRMEgm-ZkbFrJvbuMdPOVLipVlVnb_7CVA6vJX84pj-I0mXj0zwfVgraqh3aIo5XgyRQf0agydykrUDnN94p-uQ1U5tAQML_33KWsJkkkkwXchj1GFbx4sHzvYAPcXOg5S1Osc_ctQ/s320/newmoon1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193274261261698" border="0" /></a><br /></div> <div style="text-align: center;">"Bella, I'm sorry...but I locked the keys<br />inside the truck...we can't be together<br />because of things like this..."<br /></div> <div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a></div>Eventually she snaps out of it for a bit to go to a movie with one of her human friends. Ok hang in there because things are about to get ridiculous. While leaving from the theater, she spots some roughens one block over. This is when she sees a vision of Edward saying "keep walking". Um wait a second here...wtf is that about? Is he hacking into her life or something? Or does Edward have the same powers as Jedis after they die? My wife later explained to me that she is only having visions of Edward in her mind. So lets see...we have a introverted female lead that is not only bipolar and poor in choosing boyfriends, she's also a raving schizophrenic. Christ, I'm so glad teenage girls reading this are looking up to her, I really am.<br /><br />Bella quickly learns the only way to see Edward is to put her life in danger. Um, wouldn't a photo or video suffice? (EDIT: After reading this my wife informed me Edward stole all the pictures of himself so it would be like he never existed. IOW, Edward is a bigger prick than we thought.) She quickly obtains a few old motor bikes which she brings to her buddy Jacob. Jacob agrees to fix the bikes up and the two's friendship starts to blossom. Bella becomes more happier and the two seem to hit it off nicely. Jacob is a genuinely nice guy who keeps Bella out of trouble. And guess what...the two actually have on screen chemistry together. Where the hell did that come from in this movie series? So far it had been Bella and Edward acting like a couple of oak trees.<br /><br />After fixing up the bikes, Bella takes off full force away from Jacob. Immediately she starts to see visions of Edward again until she falls off and scrapes her head on a rock. The little blood trickle prompts Jacob to remove his shirt thus prompting several older women in the crowd to scream in sensual delight. Hey don't get me wrong, the guy is cut but I found it disturbing how many older women cheered when he removed his shirt. If a dude shouted "she has a sweet ass" during a scene with Emma Watson in Harry Potter I'm sure they would have been kicked out of the theater rather brutally. Don't these women have kids almost the same age as Taylor Lautner?<br /><br />Well moving aside the middle aged jail bait factor, just know from here on out Jacob has no problem keeping his shirt off. Oh and somewhere in between we get some exposition on Sam. Apparently he is like a high school coach who hangs out with young teenage men to feel cool again. But he does so in a mysterious manner for reasons not yet introduced. Sound kind of creepy at base level doesn't it? Moving forward, Bella agrees to go with one of her goofball human friends to a movie with Jacob in tow. Jacob starts to put the sweetness on Bella telling her what every girl wants to hear. Bella is still more or less stuck on Edward which puts Jacob into a rage. He threatens Bella's human friend and after this disappears for a bit.<br /><br />Bella is rather distraught over Jacob leaving her and eventually catches up with his half naked ass during a rain storm. She notes Jacob had cut his hair and donned a tattoo. Bella also finds out he is now hanging out with Sam's mysterious group. Jacob give Bella the Edward treatment and the two part ways for a bit. Some more stuff happens, nothing of real interest until Bella comes face to face with bad vampire Laurent from the first story. Edward appears via vampire satellite again to guide her through the conversation. Apparently Laurent's female counterpart Victoria is still PMSing about the Cullens offing her boyfriend. She wants to kill Bella to return the favor. Laurent almost takes out Bella but fortunately for her a group of giant wolves chase him away. One of them in particular makes eyes with Bella. Gee I wonder who that is.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgczT3ER0mPg7i6t69J__m_2xyatv3kOcxWnPNY508pu5DNdhe_rtQne1nQeDJO8ZODwRGc_P29LKXHZQaX5nV-3BMFYVjctq4iLI_kHWp2m-uXYrTrVGkgO10J0r-xX9OYaqB3R3uiiT0/s1600/newmoon4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 216px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgczT3ER0mPg7i6t69J__m_2xyatv3kOcxWnPNY508pu5DNdhe_rtQne1nQeDJO8ZODwRGc_P29LKXHZQaX5nV-3BMFYVjctq4iLI_kHWp2m-uXYrTrVGkgO10J0r-xX9OYaqB3R3uiiT0/s320/newmoon4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408194187381401826" border="0" /></a><br />"Bella, I can take my shirt off if you want,<br />no...ok...well...are you sure you don't want<br />me to take my shirt off...because I can..."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Jacob and Bella have some more c*ck tease interaction until one day Bella decides to pay Jacob a visit at his house. During the visit she comes face to face with Sam and his buddies. She decks one of them which prompts him to turn into a wolf. Unfortunately before the wolf can rip her moody little throat out, Jacob arrives in wolf form to wrassle the other wolf away. I should note that every time the wolves change they go through a pair of shorts. Think Incredible Hulk transformation but only with a more loose waistline. That and more shrinkage when you get back to normal.<br /><br />So while those two do their wolf thing, Bella is taken to Sam's pad to meet his scarred fiance Emily. Emily is kind of like a mom to the wolf pack and feeds them Alpo when needed or something. Bella eventually gets the low down later from Jacob what the wolf thing is about. Apparently not a lot of guys in the tribe have that power but those that do protect the innocent from vampires. And of course they all live in the same god*mn area which I really had to bend to believe. I mean do all the monsters in the world converge on WA? Sigh...moving on. Although they off vampires like Laurent, they have a peace treaty with the Cullens. Where were these guys in the first story while Laurent and his friends were killing people? Apparently not in the imagination of Stephanie Myers just yet.<br /><br />A few scenes later, Victoria causes a bit of trouble inadvertently giving a heart attack to a member of Jacob's tribe. She gets chased out of Dodge but Bella decides that Jacob doesn't have enough to worry about. She plummets herself off a cliff into deep ocean water to see Edward again. Jacob, who should at this point should have let her drown, rescues her once again and brings her home. Once there, Jacob almost gets to first base before realizing there is a vampire near by. It turns out its Alice who decided it was time for the Cullens to enter the plot again. Christ, just when the movie was starting to gain credibility acting wise.<br /><br />Jacob and Alice have a moody interaction but he allows her to talk to Bella. Alice informs her that she had visions of Bella jumping off a cliff. Thus, she thought Bella was trying to kill herself. Ok...have to stop here for a minute. Alice is a bit like Orko from He-Man. They both have decent powers and can be helpful at times but for the most part are immense f*ck ups. Alice apparently conveyed this vision to Edward who was rather disturbed by it.<br /><br />Jacob comes back in briefly and puts one last move on Bella. Before getting a piece finally, the phone rings and he informs the person on the other end of the line Charlie is out planning a funeral. Who is on the other end of the line? Edward...booyah...eat that sh*t you undead mutha...um...sorry...I just though it was brilliant of Jacob to do that. Sorry to sound like a chick there. Well Alice lets Bella know about this and how Edward plans to go to Volturi with a death wish. Bella, once again being a girl we can "look up to", leaves her father to go to Italy with Alice.<br /><br />Once in Italy, the girls steal a car (oh for Christ's sakes really?) and take off to Volterra which is home to the Volturi. While driving Alice has visions of Edward exposing himself (in a PG-13 manner that is) at noon to the common public thus bringing about his doom. The girls slice through the crowds and some drawn out slow motion acting takes place. Eventually Bella is able to stop Edward who finally admits he can't ever leave her again. However, there is a small matter to handle with the Volturi.<br /><br />Everybody gets taken in and they are greated by Volturi leader Aro. Following the "evil councils for dummies" textbook word for word, the Volturi has just about everything you'd expect. Aro is the eccentric fellow who blathers on while pausing uncomfortably between words. You have Marcus who fits the bored to tears council member stereotype that just wants to go home. Then theres Caius who is the good looking one who sits around looking devious. Mix that with the diabolical yet innocent looking girl named Jane (Dakota Fanning, where the hell have you been young lady) and a few enforcers then viola...here is your evil vampire council.<br /><br />Edward is pretty much forgiven but the Volturi insists that Bella be off'd. Edward doesn't take kindly to this and gets into a room shattering fight with one of the enforcers. Not surprisingly, Edward gets his ass handed to him but before the Volturi can kill Bella, Alice pipes in. She says that she had a vision of Bella becoming a vampire one day. She shares this vision with Aro who apparently can share her vision. In a bit I found absolutely ridiculous, we see Alice's vision of Edward and Bella running through the forest looking like Hansel And Gretel. Bella is very much sparkly like Edward. The Volturi pretty much say, "ah fuggedaboutit" and send them packing. Weak man...very weak.<br /><br />Once back in WA, Bella finds her boyfriend's back and her bad dreams have stopped. She talks to the Cullens who all but a few vote that she be changed into a vampire. Um, why take a a vote, didn't Alice pretty much confirm that? Oh wait, this is Alice we're talking about, never mind. Edward isn't thrilled (surprise, surprise) but agrees that someday it will be done. As the two are driving one day, they come across Jacob who is rather PO'd. Edward thanks him for saving Bella but Jacob reminds him that no human will be bit under their treaty. This gives way to a brief wolf vs vampire showdown which leads nowhere. Bella comes between them and wolf Jacob sadly trots off into the forest while Edward asks Bella to marry him thus ending the film.<br /><br />Going into this film, I imagine the makers had it rough thanks to the debacle the last one ended up being. So let me begin with the good. Where the first movie proved to be a bit goofy in the special effects category, this one improved ten fold. Of course that is more or less thanks to a bigger budget and a director who apparently has a clue. That and finally there is a sense of danger in the film because the villain department is generously expanded. This was a huge Achilles heal in the first film and I'm glad they improved upon it.<br /><br />Unfortunately though, Stewart and Pattinson continue their tradition of forced, epically bad on screen chemistry that goes absolutely nowhere. Add that to the fact that Edward and Bella's lengthy romantic book courtship was apparently shred into a ten minute wrap up in the first film and they are doomed as a couple. As a non-reader, I simply can't buy into these two even liking each other not to mention wanting to lay their lives on the line for one another. This causes a domino effect which makes me, as the viewer, resent Bella. This is bad because isn't this her story? Shouldn't we care about her well being? Why should I give a crap about what happens to her as a character? Bella chooses a guy who doesn't even seem that thrilled to be dating her over a guy who pretty much would do anything for her.<br /><br />And yes, the above paragraph is the basis for the whole "Team Jacob" or "Team Edward" camps out there. Maybe it comes down to "what type of person are you"? Would you take the rich playboy with money galore or the rugged next door type boy who lives meagerly. And I should point out, Bella ending up with Edward is a judgement based on the story writer's decisions and not the filmmaker's.<br /><br />Regardless of what "team" you're on or what it all means in symbolism, it doesn't erase the fact it makes for a bad vibe on film. If I am to like the Bella/Edward thing, give me a reason to have faith in their relationship. I'm sure they do so in the book. Edward just comes off as a whiny d*ckhead on film once again and Bella just seems to be screwing with Jacob's emotions making them BOTH unlikeable. If Bella has a reason to dis Jacob, show me and don't assume I'll buy anything without an explanation. Of course a majority of the audience is going to hate your lead character if she breaks a nice guy's heart. Quite frankly Jacob, aside a little anger management, comes across as a genuinely likable guy...almost the perfect guy at that. Plus there is 100x more chemistry between Lautner and Stewart. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.<br /><br />Getting back to the film itself, lets talk about the music department. It seemed at times the music overpowered the scenes which bothered me. Granted the soundtrack was a vast improvement from the first however, everything seemed to have music. Plus the music always seem to accompany the painful to watch slow motion shots making them even cornier. Some scenes would have been so much better if there was no music and a bit of silence.<br /><br />Acting wise, as mentioned above, was pot luck. Lautner plays Jacob in a charming manner and seems to bring out the best of his supporting cast. However, pretty much everyone in the Cullen camp, minus Carlisle, seem to be green acting wise thus bringing the movie down. The movie as a whole just becomes more enjoyable without them around. I did find humor in the human friends Bella had and they provided an interesting parallel of how normal life is a bit boring. Hence why Bella is drawn to more of the odd types within the story. Overall, I'd have to say that a good percentage of the cast improved since their last endeavor.<br /><br />So the future of the film series is undoubtedly going to be a successful. That and the majority of the book fans will probably dig future film endeavors. That's if the film makers hopefully continue to understand that this is a love story. Director Christ Weitz seems to have gotten this aspect while making this film. However, for me personally one viewing is more than enough. I still don't feel a connection with the series that would make me want to watch these films over and over again. However from what my wife tells me, the plot line gets even more B-tastic with time. Stay tuned...<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole </span><br />(<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">the A-holes of the film get their moment</span>)<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">The Volturi</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EN_oLtOKpZpfud2G451Ry7gw5FT-SZrgSX2tBQ7rpJYMpxWd4Q1nvjWExHVmz1qU33Zik4wNYe36Xf6GirdQrat2OApeg_5nX4G_mepNunub7HNlhaBQh67vJ-yeNZ3nd7esCm3t7Bc/s1600/newmoon3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 152px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7EN_oLtOKpZpfud2G451Ry7gw5FT-SZrgSX2tBQ7rpJYMpxWd4Q1nvjWExHVmz1qU33Zik4wNYe36Xf6GirdQrat2OApeg_5nX4G_mepNunub7HNlhaBQh67vJ-yeNZ3nd7esCm3t7Bc/s320/newmoon3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408197962314218306" border="0" /></a><br />You'll want them to kill you after Aro<br />takes fifteen minutes to get out one<br />sentence.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Laurent/Victoria</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dQ6_LMioFaQZ0ofHJVg8eiDS6_K8mbIGR51Qv0LSvv8HBMi5sJ-1uGI8xnD0LEWSn5amNs5LW5gp6Fg813kbE7aKAJdHITWnr_kUM2IUSHtWz4NueDspXS2qv3aeDCXtsSxhUsxS4RA/s1600/newmoon2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dQ6_LMioFaQZ0ofHJVg8eiDS6_K8mbIGR51Qv0LSvv8HBMi5sJ-1uGI8xnD0LEWSn5amNs5LW5gp6Fg813kbE7aKAJdHITWnr_kUM2IUSHtWz4NueDspXS2qv3aeDCXtsSxhUsxS4RA/s320/newmoon2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408197914597195810" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Well at least now they are busy making<br />death threats and not baseball game<br />challenges.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s1600/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvTdhI4v9zs090lomCrNrVsDHdpoGdsMXB4HP1N2hg73GJSncu2tnVeLw8WRAnTH-L_N1xqI60Ob-y4q_AfNaWarVcEUU3DUptVUz9SSrJcvr5Z46nx9HvmwnHRZZddLVEAuVHduVLhHs/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408193190778363394" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >Overall Grade</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408200021175795890" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408200021175795890" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uDkc7qh5BHp3vcviBztGjylsInbAalLGl_g-l5w4H863l67KLxRIs4qF9s5MRbcpdlQ3QzMj9zjIGmgQ_aA2izwPclcH4gCy6ccB1CbFG4vo55Z0VdjfALiqiVdC_11MnOlEwf51jSs/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408200021175795890" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaysTUNBY1jwhAsQ38IKJ7xGQDKCkKtRzACwdyVY3Rq2JmLX7PkKcr9WuhN_DEctet3f6S0kp_-0kee4xXHXi63fkm7mBNZa7UBONiOp4efHc7IFgh5gOgl17y47vlvBkFxenDhkZHcqs/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaysTUNBY1jwhAsQ38IKJ7xGQDKCkKtRzACwdyVY3Rq2JmLX7PkKcr9WuhN_DEctet3f6S0kp_-0kee4xXHXi63fkm7mBNZa7UBONiOp4efHc7IFgh5gOgl17y47vlvBkFxenDhkZHcqs/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408199601511327330" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center; color: rgb(192, 192, 192);"><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-75119883357244415692009-11-19T18:40:00.001-08:002009-11-19T18:41:46.954-08:00Herc Smash!<span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Plot</span>: One can easily argue that the birth of our counter film culture began in the ancient Myths of different cultures. Seriously, think about it; tales of heroes clashing with grotesque creatures while the Gods cursed them one day while praising them the next. Indeed...Myths were and still are the sh*t. Granted I hated reading as a kid and generally still do but I have to say the Myths always seemed to capture my fascination. Especially the Greek myths which ended up being one of the many seeds planted in the B-culture garden growing out of control in my head now.<br /><br />Which brings me to the film adaptations of the epic stories. It generally seems to be hit or miss with these movies. For example Clash Of The Titans (which granted looks slightly dated by today's standards) still holds up tightly in cinematic history as one of the greats. Hell, I could pop it in right now and enjoy the escapades of Harry Hamlin in his pre-LA Law days running around in a tunic. Wow that sounded gay. Well anyhow, in 1983 Incredible Hulk star Lou Ferrigno was ready to reboot the tale of Hercules. What ended up happening was probably enough to anger every God of movie folklore. Let us commence with the cheese.<br /><br />We begin our "epic" retelling with spoken narration (oh brother). We learn from the booming, over dramatic voice about the formation of the cosmos, Pandora's jar being broken and the Gods who live on Mt. Olympus...er...the moon. Already I'm going to assume they just kind of winged it in the mythology department here and there. So much is included in this narration that I really lost track of how things came about. Just know mankind is screwed from the get go.<br /><br />We join up with the Godly folk, who's outfits look rented from a five and dime store, chatting casually of how humans are doomed. Zeus and Athena decide not just any man can save them. Zeus starts putting together the ingredients for the perfect man in the cosmic mixing bowl and sends the results to earth as baby Hercules. We follow a superimposed spotlight of sorts over stock footage of scenery for a bit until Hercules ends up joining the King and Queen of Thebes. Hera, being her ever cheerful self, warns us that evil is afoot though...muhahahaha.<br /><br />Matter of fact, evil is afoot in the greater Thebes area. A fellow by the name of Valcheus along with the Princess Adriana start a rebellion after acquiring the Sword Of Omens...or something like it anyhow. In the bloody revolt, the King and Queen are killed but Hercules makes it out with the help of a maid. She places him in a boat and quickly gets off'd for her efforts. The henchmen following her play the dumb bad guy route and assume the river will take him. Which albeit it almost does until Zeus lends a helping hand. Hera, being the ray of sunshine she can be, sends a few aquatic snakes after him. Hercules plays with them a bit and squishes their heads. Kids...they're so cute at that age aren't they?<br /><br />A nice childless couple takes in Hercules and raise him into adulthood. Hercules pretty much possess all the strength of the Gods at this point and can rip trees out by their roots. He also manages to take on Ursa Major when it assaults his foster dad. He beats the threatening bear (which was a hybrid of bear stock footage and someone in a really awful bear suit) until it turns into something resembling it's actual constellation in the stars. Athena busts Hera's balls about it but Hera assures her there are still plenty more monsters to go through until Hercules is out of the woods.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcSxbIQtZKpJKpHp6iAyGYGDAzTp37DrHV2f29ML0-chTbcyMxyWHGyfCCcuGPIHcZqmZ4V2K5500QpC_sCwcy_XwLSdyasZ8WFEfXpkFgrDY09PRYRkhzpwqG3-1YWjiYUlMLaerwai0/s1600-h/herc1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520156549424194" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 186px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcSxbIQtZKpJKpHp6iAyGYGDAzTp37DrHV2f29ML0-chTbcyMxyWHGyfCCcuGPIHcZqmZ4V2K5500QpC_sCwcy_XwLSdyasZ8WFEfXpkFgrDY09PRYRkhzpwqG3-1YWjiYUlMLaerwai0/s320/herc1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Finally, something more scary than the<br />Burger King mascot.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Matter of fact King Minos, who we hadn't had the pleasure of meeting until this point, teams up with Daedalus and decides to send a few problem makers Herc's way. The first one comes in the form of a giant locust of sorts which offs Herc's foster mother. Whats that you say, that wasn't in the myths? Well don't let that disappoint you, there's more crap on the way in a few paragraphs. Herc short wires it in no time making it disappear.<br /><br />Well with mommy gone and a plot line to build, Herc heads off to heed the call of champion tryouts in the local town. After a bunch of nonsense and Lou Ferrigno man-breast bouncing, Herc proves himself worthy. He is assigned by the King of the town to take his daughter Cassiopeia on a quest. However, the King's adviser suggests they give him another test for loyalty. Apparently beating up a whole bunch of guys in the tryout was a bit useless.<br /><br />Herc is given the task of cleaning the horses stables. The veiled Cassiopeia visits him and the two annoyingly banter away for a bit. He promises her that the stables will get done only if she reveals her face to him. This leads to a bit I simply couldn't figure out. Following the tale of Herc in the myths, he diverts the river into the stables to clean them. However, he does so by chucking two large stones into the river...from a hundred feet above it. Unless I'm missing something, or this water defines all gravity laws or Herc decided to travel 100 feet above the stables/river or...aw f*ck it, who cares...the water somehow travels to the stables to clean it.<br /><br />Cassiopeia gets a bit turned on by this feat apparently and the two lock lips. However Zeus, who I guess is against Herc getting some poontang, sends down a lightning bolt to break it up. Kind of like an angry father catching his daughter smacking lips with her prom date. Well the two are knocked unconscious and Adriana decides to wander back into the plot. She instructs her staff to take Cassiopeia prisoner on her boat and to chuck Herc to the sharks. Herc is tossed overboard but escapes death thus landing on an island.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">On the island he meets up with Circe the sea witch. The old hag, on Athena's bequest, invites Herc up for some food and drink. She informs him that there is only one way off the island and its dangerous. Herc rises to the challenge but first Circe insists she drinks 10 drops of his blood. Why, well this ends up restoring her youth. I guess we are to assume Herc's red ruby is an early form of Botox or something. Circe in her new shapely form tells Herc about a magical talisman that is being held in hell that she needs to get back.<br /><br />Herc's next challenge is to face the Hydra which according to this movie is the three headed guardian of hell. Um wait a minute...did they honestly just mix the idea of Cerberus and the Hydra together? Well then...that's a tad idiotic. Anyhow Herc makes quick work of the mechanical Hydra (sent by Minos/Daedalus) and take the rainbow connection to hell. Why there was a rainbow leading into hell is beyond me. Why hell exists in an ancient myth is beyond me too but I'll assume they meant "underworld".<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHg7LqrNAtKpS4C5QR934Mnxw6xF6BVpXM6DiK1SMqjXT1BzXmucaiojbnaYqmIXb9HJC_pdtZ4oVgDcAVJUAwL1cvMlhF6UPfDt8-qZYgSGT1w949NSmpmsv-BU4WkZ6ikquTZAhsg8U/s1600-h/herc4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380029844675975490" style="width: 327px; cursor: pointer; height: 215px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHg7LqrNAtKpS4C5QR934Mnxw6xF6BVpXM6DiK1SMqjXT1BzXmucaiojbnaYqmIXb9HJC_pdtZ4oVgDcAVJUAwL1cvMlhF6UPfDt8-qZYgSGT1w949NSmpmsv-BU4WkZ6ikquTZAhsg8U/s320/herc4.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />"I told him to get horses but would he listen,<br />noooooo...(<span style="font-style: italic;">grumble, grumble grumble</span>)"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Herc and Circe take the riverboat over and find something resembling a shiny, gaudy egg that resembles something in the 70s people would put out as a decoration at Easter. Herc passes a test of fire and ice on his hand to acquire the talisman. For whatever reason, the talisman doesn't contain enough juice to get them both to Cassiopeia but they do drop off in the greater Africa area. Um OK...well Herc/Circe make a deal with the King in order to acquire a a magical chariot. Herc does his end of the bargain first which sees him, with the help of Circe's talisman, growing to a rather large size and separating Africa into it's own continent.<br /><br />Herc and Circe head off to a chamber that contains the magical chariot. This is when things get insanely stupid. You see, the chariot is in good working shape minus the magical horses that would normally pull it. Herc goes into Macgyver mode and knocks down a wall and then has Circe make a rope that they tie to a rock with the other end on the chariot. OK, got that? Herc flings the rock into outer space thus lifting the chariot on a magical carpet...er...chariot ride. How the hell is a rock supposed to pull a chariot? I mean wouldn't gravity cause them to fall at a rapid rate to their deaths rather quickly?<br /><br />Well before any of these questions are really answered, they end up falling into the ocean at an over-convenient spot right at Cassiopeia's location. They make it to shore but the last of Daedalus's monsters await them. This time, its a half assed centaur of sorts. Circe takes a laser for Herc who ends up easily dispatching the creature again. Circe gives a long winded "hold me, it's getting dark" type of speech before dying off for good. Herc heads off to find Cassiopeia who is being prepped for her sacrifice.<br /><br />Herc eventually ends up being tricked into a trap door which falls into Atlantis. Um what? Anyhow, he eventually wakes up in chains and resists Princess Adriana's advancements. Breaking the chains that bind him (I guess they didn't learn the first time around) Herc takes out all the guards leaving him and Princess Adriana. He insists she bring him to Cassiopeia which she does...slowly. I found that unintentionally hilarious seeing Cassiopeia is about to be fried in a sacrifice. You'd figure Herc would tell her to speed it up a bit.<br /><br />Meanwhile, King Minos leads Cassiopeia to the inner sanctum of his kingdom which happens to have a giant lava pit. Wow, in one area you have Atlantis and the other end you have a fire pit. Sounds like a rough bit of real estate. Anyhow, Minos goes into stereotypical villain monologue mode which consists of him revealing his power source and weaknesses. In brief, because the movie took 10 minutes to explain, (taking a deep breath) he contains the power of the phoenix in the lava below and the sword from the beginning keeps it there and it is the source of all his power. <span style="font-style: italic;">Gasp</span>...go ahead and re-read that crap again if you need to. After this explanation, Minos puts Cassiopeia into the unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism.<br /><br />Herc eventually ends up busting in on them and the final battle commences. Minos whips out a flaming sword (<span style="font-style: italic;">snicker</span>) and the two battle away. Herc eventually pulls the sword out from the beginning and easily offs Minos. Once Cassiopeia is saved, Adriana shows up to make a last stand. Herc chucks the sword at her and for some odd reason she is turned into dust rather quickly. Seeing that didn't happen to Minos, I guess the sword was meant for slaying bee-yotch princesses. Herc and Cassiopeia end up escaping thus saving humanity...oh wait...I'm not exactly sure they did that. Oh well, they're in love and luckily for me the film ended.<br /><br />Where one can slay this film for it's awful shortcomings, I have to admit parts of me rather enjoyed how overly cheesy it was. And believe me, the cheese was extra thick in this one. Herc chucks things around which usually end up in orbit, the robotic beasts are extremely silly and the dialog leaves a lot to be desired. However, acting wise I honestly was surprised because I expected worst...much worst. Granted it was no Shakespearean endeavor but still...I was surprised. As for Ferrgino, he was built for a role like this and his impressive build made him more than believable. </div><br />Overall, one could compare this as a sacrifice to the Gods of bad movies. And I'm proud to pay respect to them by tearing it appart in their honor.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole</span><br />(<span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">the A-Holes of the film get their moment</span>)<br />Team Hera<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvsl3G6MIjBCciXTQ-pZa3XMUuXe_0au2nGbVeZprUQTLbON1j3LB8SfJHhUJg5-dE18FOK-9aj4Mo4PFicSyT5jqwCQ6K24t4PCkJshhoWOfpjwwXycffmvZV12hlqNLmcJRBeOUaW8c/s1600-h/herc2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvsl3G6MIjBCciXTQ-pZa3XMUuXe_0au2nGbVeZprUQTLbON1j3LB8SfJHhUJg5-dE18FOK-9aj4Mo4PFicSyT5jqwCQ6K24t4PCkJshhoWOfpjwwXycffmvZV12hlqNLmcJRBeOUaW8c/s320/herc2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380720590327736562" border="0" /></a><br />Player hating before there was such<br />a thing as player haters.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5378520361880939762" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2ZGr41N31Y1R9Q1x_hBbVjUp3_ihW79-FPZ9WKe9NM0dc7BGagY5hPpC-1BYC9BOUnHWakD3b1R3sj6Ol38GX9H5qYK0AMQhVYRzvxpPq_MzhG_jiVLUqYb74UVmcoTIInwnBDXKd8Sk/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV-ZBPSVUpFatO65vu3KWPqWeN0kjw4-its3m25khWtbK2wXFYAW6rz9PKvCqYLLmeeRlh7rzkpJpxjs9I5L6Habf0xZTHdEE1zjTZXe2TZwtITH27At3nQrJP68txhWaHdAXW1nmZDAU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV-ZBPSVUpFatO65vu3KWPqWeN0kjw4-its3m25khWtbK2wXFYAW6rz9PKvCqYLLmeeRlh7rzkpJpxjs9I5L6Habf0xZTHdEE1zjTZXe2TZwtITH27At3nQrJP68txhWaHdAXW1nmZDAU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406009639460789234" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV-ZBPSVUpFatO65vu3KWPqWeN0kjw4-its3m25khWtbK2wXFYAW6rz9PKvCqYLLmeeRlh7rzkpJpxjs9I5L6Habf0xZTHdEE1zjTZXe2TZwtITH27At3nQrJP68txhWaHdAXW1nmZDAU/s1600/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV-ZBPSVUpFatO65vu3KWPqWeN0kjw4-its3m25khWtbK2wXFYAW6rz9PKvCqYLLmeeRlh7rzkpJpxjs9I5L6Habf0xZTHdEE1zjTZXe2TZwtITH27At3nQrJP68txhWaHdAXW1nmZDAU/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406009639460789234" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2xNRTXNeuMPlhBOxAtOtgJWMBjs5KZXxFhZDetue_ksR3HgULT5A4Oy17MfCEQbJw1ZEwV9RJrqMcqcS5ohmsoD0fiIAih3tBBV2mAAWD3WJP49uGqXDXC9Z2XD1-vSBHCG5O4_c0pw/s1600/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR2xNRTXNeuMPlhBOxAtOtgJWMBjs5KZXxFhZDetue_ksR3HgULT5A4Oy17MfCEQbJw1ZEwV9RJrqMcqcS5ohmsoD0fiIAih3tBBV2mAAWD3WJP49uGqXDXC9Z2XD1-vSBHCG5O4_c0pw/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406009754880659538" border="0" /></a><br /></div> <div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-42806744224637560342009-11-08T18:43:00.000-08:002009-11-08T18:51:01.040-08:00Lost In Cartoon Translation<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2T0V0U1eWmqf4W9Xv_0q53MyeiHHlBKR-Hb41C6rmsHGD5hmIYMVrXWvYJ_Ud2cW5v_Gtyc2kE-Qz8yokwmwsLz3COwM665rA2xj5HSePsJ1UhK4vVEZRaR8pUvpsj2wWHq-NQDlGAcE/s1600-h/Dementiabanner.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 416px; height: 100px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2T0V0U1eWmqf4W9Xv_0q53MyeiHHlBKR-Hb41C6rmsHGD5hmIYMVrXWvYJ_Ud2cW5v_Gtyc2kE-Qz8yokwmwsLz3COwM665rA2xj5HSePsJ1UhK4vVEZRaR8pUvpsj2wWHq-NQDlGAcE/s320/Dementiabanner.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5401930828347379698" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Kids today…that’s all I have to say. Where I never thought I’d sound like the stereotypical old man who shakes his cane at the youngsters, I have accepted that it had always been my destiny to end up that way. Seriously, the sh*t we had to do back in the day is something today’s young ones don’t have a worry in the world about. For example, if you wanted porn back in my day, you had to;<br /><br />1.) Stand, like a pervert, in front of the magazine rack at the local newsstand.<br /><br />2.) Flip, like a pervert, through countless issues to find one that will “work for you”.<br /><br />3.) Walk, like a pervert, to the counter holding your new spank material.<br /><br />4.) Smile, like a pervert, while the cashier rings your order out.<br /><br />5.) Go home and enjoy a little alone time while trying to figure out where you were going to hide the magazine when you were “done”…like a pervert.<br /><br />Well, you get the point. But this article is not in fact about porn. Rather, its about how real life action movies today can do just about anything. Worlds and things we thought we would never see are now thrown together with reckless abandonment. Granted the end result usually isn’t all that wonderful, but the idea that you could bring things like The Transformers to life in a real life setting is rather cool. No matter how many shaky camera angles they throw at you (damn you Michael Bay ).<br /><br />However, Hollywood has kind of dipped a bit too much into 80s cartoon’s good cartoons for live action bits. Where can one look for new material once Transformers has run their gambit? What is there to do when the GI Joe movies bring in Serpentor and fall on their ass like they did in the cartoon? (You know that will happen by the way) Well that’s where the purpose of this article comes in. Here are some ideas I have about how to transform some other cartoons from days past into something live action. Figuring most of the already produced cartoon movies have pretty much abandoned much of the original influence’s idea, I am going to also.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Snorks</span><br />I figure that instead of having cutesy underwater critters with penises on their head, why not make them terrorizing. Perhaps have them at first a peaceful people until they are pushed to the breaking point when a load of excrement from a passing cruise ship lands on their little colony. They can invade said cruise ship and start knocking off the patrons one by one. Perhaps have a late night skinny dipping scene during a port-a-call in Mexico with several buxom coeds. Instead of finding a peaceful fish community underwater…dun dun dah…Snorks. After most people get Snorked to death, some brainac discovers that eliminating water on the boat is the key to defeating them. Sure yes, it may take a lot of them to kill a fully grown human but it worked for Critters, Ghoulies and Gremlins didn’t it?<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">Jem</span><br />Indeed the plot line of this film can kind of write itself. You have an everyday girl who is hiding a secret from the common public. She is really a pop music star with tons of adoring fans. To become her rock star persona, she undergoes a transformation that involved caked on makeup and a blonde wig. Oh sh*t, that’s the plot line for that wretched Hannah Montana movie minus Synergy and 99% of Jem‘s talent. Sorry folks, we’ll just have to go on to our next selection.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Rainbow Brite </span><br />Life isn’t all rainbows for this main character. Oh no indeed. After living a tough life on the streets for most of her teenage years, Miss Brite befriends a young puppy in the wooded far edges of town. She leads this puppy into the urban wasteland only to have it shot by a few hoodlums. During the tear jerking burial scene, she is bestowed by the puppy’s spirit the almighty rainbow power. And guess what that means for her urban tormentors…a whole lotta sparkly death folks. She stitches together a rather skimpy rainbow outfit, loads her rainbow cannons and heads out for her revenge. The epic ending proves that there is never a pot at the end of the rainbow…rather a whole lotta death.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Looney Toons</span><br />Yes I know they did the whole Space Jam thing but to me, that doesn’t count. We need an in depth look on some CGI based characters in real life America. In a big screen documentary (think post 2000 Michael Moore but a bit more on the serious side) we find out what happens when cartoon behavior passes the threshold of real life. The film would feature some of the following and a whole lot more;<br /><br />1.) Pepe Le Pew being arrested for sexual harassment against painted cats.<br />2.) Bugs Bunny on Springer for his transvestite issues.<br />3.) Wile Coyote filing a grievance with the workers union against Sam The Sheepdog.<br />4.) Yosemite Sam being forced into anger management therapy.<br />5.) Elmer Fudd being harassed by PETA.<br />6.) Pokry Pig on prescription drugs for his stuttering problem.<br />7.) Speedy Gonzales being picked up by border patrol.<br />8.) Marvin The Martian, after reading this blog entry, realizing earth just isn’t worth the trouble.<br /><br />To be continued...eventually...DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-970380207614009182009-10-29T11:16:00.000-07:002009-10-29T14:02:40.051-07:00The DarkSider Sparkles In The Dark<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi650VYapFeDC4E_p4As0Bnc1TNXUVdjN0B2rMUumYaO9RsQhUPYspeidMKv1Ad0M0V5t_Hysbuemk8r54IkBDGEQeANsrAvwcS6o1Snh6QYI5F8_LndMo0VNRJCln1__tbzM7ue46Ovsc/s1600-h/MONSTERBANNER.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 482px; height: 58px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi650VYapFeDC4E_p4As0Bnc1TNXUVdjN0B2rMUumYaO9RsQhUPYspeidMKv1Ad0M0V5t_Hysbuemk8r54IkBDGEQeANsrAvwcS6o1Snh6QYI5F8_LndMo0VNRJCln1__tbzM7ue46Ovsc/s320/MONSTERBANNER.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398070580740584226" border="0" /></a><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: As a loving husband I find myself being tolerant of what my wife finds entertaining. Perhaps this is mainly because she simply wrinkles her nose when I get in movies like The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio and The Sinful Dwarf (both of which I found remotely entertaining). I simply take them to my corner of the room to watch and she doesn’t ask questions. Lets face it, I watch a lot of crap no one finds entertaining. So as I look up to the Twilight calendar on our wall, with thoughts of how silly I feel when guests see it entering our house, I too wrinkle my nose and call it a day. Marriage is about tolerance my unmarried friends…learn it before you even think of doing the deed.<br /><br />I should point out too my wife has gone to great measures in the past to understand what kind of film drives me. Matter of fact, and I still define this as “true romance”, she watched all the Star Wars movies when we first started dating. This was simply so she could catch up to me in the prequels. Attack Of The Clones was about to come out and when it did she sat by me through two hours and a half of that cinematic awfulness. Once again, tolerance kids…grinning and bearing it for the sake of making your significant other happy.<br /><br />So…as mentioned above I have a rabid Twilight fan on my hands now. We have the calendar, the books, the Edward Cullen standee (ok we don’t have that yet but I’m sure its on order). I recall when she first started reading it her saying how it was going to be “the next Harry Potter”. When I heard the plot that revolved around vampires and werewolves (or whatever the hell they’re calling Jacob now) I said to myself, “perhaps this is the next Harry Potter”. Then I started to learn more and more about it. Stuff like a supernatural teenage romance angle which turns into a love triangle and that turned me off. So after the first movie came out, which sadly ended up being our son’s first official theater film, she kind of gave me a mixed review of it. Her fan-girl ranting of “how this could have been better” and “it wasn’t as good as the book” was nothing surprising to me.<br /><br />Anyhow, she mentioned to me recently of how she really wanted me to go see New Moon with her. Actually, it was more or less a demand but we won’t go there. I kind of stomped like a two year old in a toy store that wasn’t getting the toy he wanted about not going. However, I reminded myself that this was the same lovely lady who went with me to see Star Wars AOTC. So I swallowed my pride and popped her special edition disc into the DVD player of the first Twilight movie. Now before I go on with the review, no matter what I say about the film let me make it clear we don't put up with any Twi-tardation on this blog…I do not want to hear email threats to harm me, yourself, stationary objects, farm animals, cryptozoology creatures and just about anything else you can think of. And that goes for all you Twilight fans who aren’t my wife either.<br /><br />We start with a bit of spoken narration of our female lead Bella. For those of you just joining us on the site, the narration rule is simple. If someone at any point of the movie is narrating anything (written or otherwise) there is going to be some plot stupidity along the way. I understand that the books are told from Bella’s point of view but this is no exception to the rule, sorry. As she blathers on offering nothing deeply philosophical, we catch glimpse of a deer running through the forest in a scared manner. Bambi is taken down by a rather quick fellow and the scene fades out. So much for not pissing off PETA in the first five minutes of the movie.<br /><br />Bella, played rather blandly by Kristen Stewart, is a bit of an emotionless high school girl with separated parents. She is moving from sunny AZ to dreary old WA thanks to her mother finding a new baseball playing beau. Once in small town WA, she joins up with rather drab father (that apple didn’t fall far from that tree) Charlie who is the sheriff in 'dem der parts'. Once Bella gets settled, they get a visit from her dad’s wheelchair bound friend Billy and his teenage son Jacob. We find out through Jacob’s kind exposition that he is a Native American who once knew Bella as a kid. Anyhow the point of this scene, aside providing information that will be valuable in the sequels, is Bella finds herself with Billy's old beater truck as a welcome back present. Gee…thanks dad, now I can be a laughing stock on my first day of school.<br /><br />Bella heads off to her first day at a new high school. You figure that the quiet girl would get harassed and made fun of by everyone in site. However, after hitting a volleyball into a classmate’s head, she becomes the queen bee. Um…WTF? Did I miss something there? Wow, I wish I would have gone to that high school as a kid. Apparently they like anyone new regardless if they have the personality of a plain piece of toast. Later at lunch we get more of the movie’s two minute character explanations. This one gets a bit silly to be honest. Brace yourself…<br /><br />One by one, the mysterious family known as the Cullens enter into the cafeteria. Apparently they recently moved there with their father Dr. Carlisle Cullen. The antisocial bunch are introduced one by one. You have Emmett, Alice , Rosalie, Jasper, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc, Moe, Larry, Curly, Harpo, Groucho and my wife’s fantasy boyfriend Edward. Edward, kissing Robert Pattinson’s ass firmly, is described at the most gorgeous of them all. However, he and the Cullens don’t bother much with the common folk. By the way, at this point I started to wonder how many people were in this school. It seems like there’s roughly 25 based on who we see more than once. Bella makes eyes with the clan and its apparent Edward is a bit interested in her.<br /><br />Later that day in science lab, Bella finds out her lab partner is none other than Edwardo himself. She sits next to him and he immediately starts acting like Bella has herpes. After class he moodily storms out and heads to guidance. Bella, realizing there’s a plot to be developed, follows him. In guidance Edward demands to be transferred into another class but he finds out he is stuck there. Bella, apparently taken back by Edward’s pricky behavior, vows to find out more about him. I guess being a d*ck to women makes you interesting in the Twilight world.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span><br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhynTk5yU395aLH9eksSK2inYE4XdyKAWuNp0eNVfmqyi3vfqvrjdE2aY_olbKJowBwfNB1BKSXTDhP8LzP1HDNTf2v014_5qCNZtI_AnIfy1VoSVuxWl6Uqt0e84OpYv0taJc_kRRoFB4/s1600-h/twi2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 188px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhynTk5yU395aLH9eksSK2inYE4XdyKAWuNp0eNVfmqyi3vfqvrjdE2aY_olbKJowBwfNB1BKSXTDhP8LzP1HDNTf2v014_5qCNZtI_AnIfy1VoSVuxWl6Uqt0e84OpYv0taJc_kRRoFB4/s320/twi2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398067956674298274" border="0" /></a></span><br />"Dude I can totally see my house<br />from up here!"<br /><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span><br /></div>Meanwhile in a plot line far away, a few people become fodder for a group of baddies. More on that junk later. However moving on with our “plot”, very slowly might I add, Bella is disappointed that Edward isn’t in class for the next few days. However, one fine day he is there waiting for her. Apparently he took his meds that morning because he is in a much nicer mood. The two banter away about, well nothing really, while working on their science lab. I guess we’re supposed to assume these two have an automatic connection but from here on out they have the on screen chemistry of two piles of sawdust.<br /><br />Later that day, Bella finds herself almost getting run down by a runaway van. However, Edward rushes over thus stopping the van with his bare hands. Bella, who apparently excels in the “putting two and two together” department, starts to realize Edward is a bit different. Bella heads to the ER where she is treated by Edward’s father who oddly doesn’t look much older than Edward. After another moody confrontation with Edward, she moves on with life once again.<br /><br />Slowly but surely Edward starts putting more moves, most of them rather shaky, on Bella. Bella starts to note more odd things about Edward. For example, his eyes change colors at times. I’m assuming that is because Edward has mood rings for eyes. In his case they would read mostly “moody”. Bella in turn starts to do a bit of research on the old Cullen clan. She asks Jacob during a visit to the beach about the Cullens. Young Jakey tells her about the legend of his people many years ago being at war with the Cullen’s kind. What “kind” is that you may ask? Well Bella does the research for us through a bit of a montage. She comes up with what anyone with half a brain watching could figure out. Edward is a dun dun dah…vampire. And his family is…dun dun dah…vampires too. She doesn’t confront him right away though because there is screen time to fill.<br /><br />One night while walking in a dimly lit spot, Bella is accosted by a few drunkards. Before you can say “predictable”, Edward pulls up in his car. Normally a pasty white guy confronting a bunch of drunk guys would be pummeled but not in this film apparently. They all kind of back off giving Edward, “its ok man, we want no trouble” kind of stares. More exposition happens when Bella and Edward go out to dinner. We find out Edward can read minds but alas, he can’t read Bella’s. That’s what make her interesting to him. Pssst…Edward...that because there’s nothing on her mind. Haven’t you heard her talk for the past 45 minutes? She rarely gets out a full sentence.<br /><br />Anyhow, back to the movie. Some more stuff happens, nothing really worth covering in depth. Eventually, Bella decides its time to confront Edward about his true identity. She follows him into the forest and with as much dramatic skill as she can muster, Bella calls Edward out as a vampire. The next couple of scenes prove to unintentionally funny. Edward races around the forest showing off his “talents”. He chucks tree stumps, climbs trees and juggles cats. Ok, well he doesn’t really juggle cats but he might of well have to look sillier.<br /><br />Trying to be scary, he informs her he has killed people…gasp. He also admits to sucking off animals...um...yeah. But Bella (and scarily I thought of Padme’s “oh well” reaction to Anakin killing the Sand People off in AOTC) apparently doesn’t care. Edward races with Bella to a patch of light to show her his true form which is…good god…sparkly. Yes we’ve all heard the legend of Stephanie Myers having her bloodsuckers sparkle like Rainbow Brite in the sun. However, one truly has to breathe in the ridiculousness of it to appreciate it. Hell, they even accompany it with a sparkly backing track. Jesus H. Christ…must move on with the plot.<br /><br />So thus, according to my wife, a several page courtship is wrapped up in a few silly scenes. Bella and Edward become an item. Somewhere in between they explain Edward's origin in a ten second wrap up. Well that was easy. One of the first items of business, Edward introduces Bella to his "family". Alice comes in and says that her and Bella are going to be good friends. Why, well she can see the future. This power pretty much serves useless in emergency situations (see next few paragraphs). The Cullens are busy preparing a nice meal for Bella which she declines because she already ate. Rosalie gets rather perturbed by this and smashes a salad bowl. Yeah, that will show that b*tch Bella to refuse good old fashioned vampire cookin'.<br /><br />Edward, in a bit that I guess is supposed to be thrilling and romantic, takes Bella on a trip through the trees. Wow being a vampire is so cool...um yeah. The romance continues until one night Edward sneaks into her room and kisses Bella. However with a ton of force he throws himself back claiming he can't go on. I however blame that on vampire premature ejaculation.<br /><br />The plot goes on and eventually Edward introduces himself to Charlie when he goes to pick up Bella. Hold on to something because a whole horde of plot stupidity is on the way. That afternoon, Edward takes Bella out to play baseball. Yes...baseball. Wow being a vampire is so...never mind I used that joke last paragraph. Now get this, vampires only play baseball during thunderstorms. Wow, the national vampire baseball league must be a bitch to play for. So, the concept of vampire baseball in thunderstorms is their bat cracks are so mighty they break the sound barrier.<br /><br />Ok...stop for a minute so we can examine this nonsense. First off, if they are so powerful hitting this ball, wouldn't the bats simply shatter from the force? Either that or wouldn't the baseball be reduced to dust when they're hit it? Are these bats and balls made out of Adamantium? Secondly, they play baseball in the middle of the woods with apparently no one around for miles. Are these ball cracks heard within a 50 mile radius or something? Parts of me think this was all thrown in for comedic effect but a greater part of me really believes the viewer was to take this stuff seriously. Either way, it comes off really silly.<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ1omeYYbBSOOzYF1i5E32__elxezWlEuQwD71LEUBZhncAcqEVzugXefjKgzUyLGlAwAkuRhj7xoCRVsbpiXRaUmZJYSm3bRpM7xuGMts0d2T51VUteK0vlhyco1igZi7ybiyxMqFXgA/s1600-h/twi1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 208px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ1omeYYbBSOOzYF1i5E32__elxezWlEuQwD71LEUBZhncAcqEVzugXefjKgzUyLGlAwAkuRhj7xoCRVsbpiXRaUmZJYSm3bRpM7xuGMts0d2T51VUteK0vlhyco1igZi7ybiyxMqFXgA/s320/twi1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398067886789313314" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;">"Hi and welcome back to Cooking With<br />Bloodsuckers! Today we're making garlic<br />mashed potatoes, steak and a holy water shake.<br />Heh heh, bit of vampire humor there."</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span></p> The Cullens feel a disturbance in The Force and out of the mist (ooooh, an attempt at a dramatic effect) come the trouble causing vamps in the area. Edward tells Bella to play it cool while they discuss business. Dr. Cullen leads the discussion and kindly scolds the rogue vampires for their recent murderous activity. The baddie vampires James, Victoria and their leader Laruent apologize claiming not to know about the Cullen's claim to the territory.<br /><br />Laurent pledges a game of baseball (are you serious) but before they commence a small wind blows the scent of Bella into the nose of James. This gives him a blood thirst for Bella but the Cullens stop him for now. Sigh...so they honestly want me to believe that this bozo couldn't pick up Bella on his radar without a gentle breeze blowing it his way? Sigh...must move on. Edward goes into panic mode and drives Bella out of there. He claims to have read the mind of James and tagged him as a tracker. Edward insists that they get out of Dodge before James tracks her down. Bella goes home and runs out on her father with no explanation like any nice respectable girl would.<br /><br />The Cullens end up meeting with Laurent who apparently doesn't like James anymore or something. He gives them some quick advice and the Cullens all do their best to protect Bella. Alice and Jasper drive Bella away from the heat. Once they are safe, Alice has a vision of an old dance studio filled with mirrors. I guess this is to show Alice's powers but it honestly leads to no big pay off in the build up department. In other words, Bella ends up there five minutes later anyhow.<br /><br />As mentioned above, James somehow tricks Bella into thinking he has her mother. He convinces her to come down to the dance studio. Going into generic bad guy mode, he begins taunting her while recording it all on a camera. I was honestly waiting for him to say "it puts to lotion in the basket". Before he can do anything, Edward arrives to confront him. I wasn't really paying attention on how he knew where Bella was but I'll assume he read the script.<br /><br />So the final battle commences in a highly non-climatic manner. A few mirrors are broken, the guys violently dance around and eventually leads to all the Cullens arriving on the scene. Bella is bitten before all this and starts to go into the change. While the other Cullens off James (is it me or was that too easy), Dr. Cullen works to repair Bella's leg. However he insist that Edward sucks the venom out of her. Edward does but finds himself not being able to stop. This causes an array of jump shots and nutty editing that would give even non-epileptics a seizure.<br /><br />Cut to a hospital bed where Bella is recovering. Her mother is there safe and sound with Edward sitting nearby. After a few more drawn out lines of dialog, the movie fast forwards to prom night which sees an injured Bella and Edward attending. Before going into the prom, Jacob arrives to relay a message from his father. Apparently he wants Bella to break it off with Edward. Edward arrives and shares an overly forced dirty glance with Jacob. Edward goes on to tell Bella that the wolves come out even when he leaves her alone for a few minutes. Hardy har har har sequel reference. Anyhow, the movie ends with Bella and Edward dancing the night away, the perfect moody couple.<br /><br />Sigh. Ok where to begin with my final thoughts on this film. First off I have to address the story as a whole. Seeing that the book has sold millions, many people out there seem to be digging it. I'm not going to run off and say the story is bad or an awful idea. Matter of fact there is something intriguing about a supernatural love affair. However, I haven’t read it and really have no plans to in the long run. As stated previously, I am not a fan of teen drama or romance so I wouldn’t expect myself to “get it”.<br /><br />However, I can understand why so many people like the Twilight series. It’s a general rule in my house that when the wife is watching TV, I’m usually not in the same room. She digs those teen drama series like One Tree Hill and Beverly Hills 90210. I feel hardly a connection to any of the characters in those shows and the same went for the characters in Twilight. If I were to assess the story I’d say this boils down to Transylvania 90210.<br /><br />One doesn't have to read the story though to see what kind of clusterf*ck of a translation to film was made. The movie seems to drag it's feet for an hour thirty. Then by the time it decides to get things moving the film is in a little place I like to call "Who Gives A Sh*t Land". The villain department is insanely weak and at no point did it feel like there was a dillemna for the protagonists to overcome. Hell, the bad guys stood less of a chance in this film than a marshmallow facing a flamethrower.<br /><br />Perhaps where the film suffers most is either in the acting or script department. I say those two options because I can't decide if it was either one (or maybe even both) contributing to the train wreck. Most of the people in the film are pretty looking folks but can't seem to serve up any form of decent dialog. Matter of fact the acting was quite painful to watch at times. Mix that with awful lines like "This kind of stuff doesn't exist" with retorts like "It does in my world" and its enough to request a morphine drip while watching. Special effect wise it really doesn't do anything out of the box when it comes to vampire appearance or movement. Matter of fact, if anything I'd say the film tries too hard to make these vamps look/move different. It becomes a bit comedic after a bit.<br /><br />After watching this I've decided there is no way Twilight is for me. Nor do I think it is the next Harry Potter esq book to movie series. Yes it's popular and continues to do immensely well. However the Harry Potter series did a fine job of capturing the imagination of men, women and children alike. Although Twilight may have guy fans (its ok to own up to not liking it to your girlfriends by the way guys) I think the ladies can relate to the tale more. Hell, it finally gives many ladies something to be nerdy about which I'm cool with. Though I will never 100% understand it's popularity, I'd say its perfectly OK to wear that Team Edward or Team Jacob shirt in public. Well unless you're my wife.<br /><br />Speaking of which I dedicate this review to my wife who will never admit to being as big of a nerd as I am. Ha! Beat that sh*t Edward Cullen!<br /><div style="text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:100%;">YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">(</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:100%;" >the A-Holes of the film get their moment</span><span style="font-size:100%;">)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:100%;" >James</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> </div><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIlGEpg2BPCz6JO7UbydeLskWZb9cfORMv8oFXLNUw8mqGGzx8IrlWFxZK_hK8bdwbsOgDQFhaahOt7wHYsGAUTmoVWTJH4SZZwXa-iTGU6NXP8U7fni4FmTtwM9o5fQYiC5fWXMa8Lfg/s1600-h/twi3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 206px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIlGEpg2BPCz6JO7UbydeLskWZb9cfORMv8oFXLNUw8mqGGzx8IrlWFxZK_hK8bdwbsOgDQFhaahOt7wHYsGAUTmoVWTJH4SZZwXa-iTGU6NXP8U7fni4FmTtwM9o5fQYiC5fWXMa8Lfg/s320/twi3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068099948737410" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Perhaps this guy should have tried a GPS</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">to be a better tracker.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwphfP2k-iUnPbcjMZkZ6zt3JitV1ga8j3s_yKImZx-CaPg3mzbKHbW_Pnr78AMYUMGt1JCojA8xx9ZEgfq5rbLpwVk-jRUUO9isv50NPPlq_gMgj2j5zO_7dB_uN7G9aL0TKOVC6GQ5o/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398068037624305618" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">OVERALL GRADE</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOazz7j97j_4x3OaT-oIBUZ7XwvNxGrdPOZldcwqc1bQomxsAUnWBvkP2o-2EF1MfJPPDE5Dr8xBpIjsz_2G8JUsOLn4cS6JTVOnhr2GDwtn5GnnuHmT7yXGUCAS_ENvYHJhDqwtl6ec/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOazz7j97j_4x3OaT-oIBUZ7XwvNxGrdPOZldcwqc1bQomxsAUnWBvkP2o-2EF1MfJPPDE5Dr8xBpIjsz_2G8JUsOLn4cS6JTVOnhr2GDwtn5GnnuHmT7yXGUCAS_ENvYHJhDqwtl6ec/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398070038711251570" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOazz7j97j_4x3OaT-oIBUZ7XwvNxGrdPOZldcwqc1bQomxsAUnWBvkP2o-2EF1MfJPPDE5Dr8xBpIjsz_2G8JUsOLn4cS6JTVOnhr2GDwtn5GnnuHmT7yXGUCAS_ENvYHJhDqwtl6ec/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtOazz7j97j_4x3OaT-oIBUZ7XwvNxGrdPOZldcwqc1bQomxsAUnWBvkP2o-2EF1MfJPPDE5Dr8xBpIjsz_2G8JUsOLn4cS6JTVOnhr2GDwtn5GnnuHmT7yXGUCAS_ENvYHJhDqwtl6ec/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398070038711251570" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijQo332xQLx4fpDdZbGoQJKqc9tXm-JKjKA5K2hn_kdhUglJJnQJo_gAjDdrGmkpnVNkMMvmr15YiUmg6zL4GGp6QNCXxFGdvgDVpEZI8ZZMrOJCa1_WgdMCyU_TMp21eU2wkPx1m6S5M/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijQo332xQLx4fpDdZbGoQJKqc9tXm-JKjKA5K2hn_kdhUglJJnQJo_gAjDdrGmkpnVNkMMvmr15YiUmg6zL4GGp6QNCXxFGdvgDVpEZI8ZZMrOJCa1_WgdMCyU_TMp21eU2wkPx1m6S5M/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398070226751142002" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;font-family:times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Click the banner for more monsterous fun...</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center; font-family: times new roman;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem.html"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 358px; height: 43px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi650VYapFeDC4E_p4As0Bnc1TNXUVdjN0B2rMUumYaO9RsQhUPYspeidMKv1Ad0M0V5t_Hysbuemk8r54IkBDGEQeANsrAvwcS6o1Snh6QYI5F8_LndMo0VNRJCln1__tbzM7ue46Ovsc/s320/MONSTERBANNER.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398070580740584226" border="0" /></a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" face="times new roman" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span></p>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-58469365338017001372009-10-15T18:01:00.000-07:002009-10-15T18:06:26.396-07:00Caveman Dearest<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-GQ8c15-g0S2C0Ugry5SyNv2mD3V_CLZLhh9wNIOXT-cwQP2jt4QFycvNVkdCYRGbKbvgD9l9u_XnNwUojMshSrUW4gezo88C9lre8GBvmkEShFpq9tIvCniEurN1RbguTKnbGcvtwMI/s1600-h/MONSTERBANNER.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 498px; height: 60px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-GQ8c15-g0S2C0Ugry5SyNv2mD3V_CLZLhh9wNIOXT-cwQP2jt4QFycvNVkdCYRGbKbvgD9l9u_XnNwUojMshSrUW4gezo88C9lre8GBvmkEShFpq9tIvCniEurN1RbguTKnbGcvtwMI/s320/MONSTERBANNER.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392993057487798050" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: The film starts off with buddies Malcolm, Cliff and Bill wandering aimlessly through the countryside. They stumble upon a cave that wasn't on the map and decide to go check it out. They spelunker for what seems like a half hour before they reach the bottom of the cave. Once there they find a channel of water that goes to another part of the cave. Taking up the fodder role early, Bill decides to go check things out.<br /></div></div><br />Once Bill gets over to the other side he comes face to face with...<span style="font-style: italic;">gasp</span>...um...a rather silly looking monster with a bad ape mask on it's head and a human body. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you terrifyingTrog ( <span style="font-style: italic;">snicker</span>). Trog (later described as a Troglodyte) make a mess of Bill. Cliff, who was in the middle of the way over during the assault, finds the body thus making him rather sad.<br /><br />Cut to the local science institute where Inspector Greenham (he will not eat it here or there by the way) is asking around about the expedition. Primarily the fact a youth disappeared without a reason. He quickly gets introduced to a Dr.Brockton played by the late Joan Crawford in her last movie role. Yes we all know how evil she could be off screen but seriously, my gut wrenched at the fact she went out in a film like this.<br /><br />Brockton brings in Malcolm who answers a few questions. Cliff is unable to due to the fact he is in a bit of a catatonic state. After Greenham leaves, Brockton talks to Malcolm about exploring the cave which they do. Without any real effort they find Trog, take it's picture and proceed to head out of convenience- ville. Greenham sees the pictures and has trouble buying it 100%. I'm personally assuming that's because the monster looks very lame. However,Brockton insists the creature is real and is a missing link.<br /><br />Greenham agrees to check out the cave in the pursuit of justice. News crews surround the site as a group of highly inept people set out to explore it. I say that because although this dangerous half-man/ape is down there, no one figure they should bring like a weapon or something. During the expedition, a Mr. Sam Murdock arrives to stir sh*t againstBrockton. Why...well...I don't know. Murdock is played by the late Michael Gough who later let Kim Basinger into the Batcave ironically.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 346px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic89NbQLR6Z0ypSr1PhscVNbkfSWHh9I2vjuzN60JDg5WgY48yFBSyFBMZ3wcw9YslS3p_jAY6kX_dBZh8E6HGMo5BDoMsX-VVk7yg2M78gBE1NEqa-EDLUWf7Q-cA_4ivID6T0U8uQwY/s1600-h/trog2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 341px; height: 201px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic89NbQLR6Z0ypSr1PhscVNbkfSWHh9I2vjuzN60JDg5WgY48yFBSyFBMZ3wcw9YslS3p_jAY6kX_dBZh8E6HGMo5BDoMsX-VVk7yg2M78gBE1NEqa-EDLUWf7Q-cA_4ivID6T0U8uQwY/s320/trog2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114974343241490" border="0" /></a><br />"When I said 'No Wire Hangers' I meant it!!!"<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 346px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /></div>All hell breaks loose when Trog takes out most of the people in the cave. Trog proceeds to the surface and Brockton, who is apparently better equipped than local law enforcement, takes him down with a tranquilizer gun. After this they chuck Trog into a small cage where he is served the breakfast of missing link champions, raw lizard and fish. Brockton's daughter Anne joins up in the research team because I guess favoritism is in their hiring practices. The press all come out to viewBrockton's new discovery and they ask her about how he survived. Brockton says, in so many words, (deep breath)<br /><br />Trog existed millions of years ago during dinosaur ages and somehow became cryogenically frozen and his frozen body eventually thawed because of shifting earth and warming climates thus releasing him from the binds of ice. <span style="font-style: italic;"> Gasp</span>...ok...go back and read the nonsense again if need be. One time I really wish a person explaining sh*t in these types of movies would say, "I really don't know".<br /><br />Anyhow, one of the press people snaps a photo which pisses Trog off. Murdock, who kept popping up in this film no apparent reason, eggs on the press into publishing negativity against Brockton's find. Brockton takes up her active research with Trog which starts with introducing him to toys. Um...alrighty then...Trog hates a spaceman toy and destroys it but takes a liking to a dolly which he caresses. After Trog learns to be nice to his toys, he gives Brockton and Anne a "I'm sow-wee..." kind of reaction about the spaceman toy. Indeed this film is getting more idiotic by the seconds folks.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil-QjPmskrr5Hn2PxXKpi8nZMIotSWG9yEB7NEpgC6ac9OBv4kDxHG3ne2xDLCapmXhx9WDkwy45Ko_geAAMNNVBVN5LfXVTri1s8kNZWO8zpE3oaDA6PudCEyvqQcPeZQvF8d1n9VU_I/s1600-h/trog4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 228px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil-QjPmskrr5Hn2PxXKpi8nZMIotSWG9yEB7NEpgC6ac9OBv4kDxHG3ne2xDLCapmXhx9WDkwy45Ko_geAAMNNVBVN5LfXVTri1s8kNZWO8zpE3oaDA6PudCEyvqQcPeZQvF8d1n9VU_I/s320/trog4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388115574756225618" border="0" /></a><br />"I don't care what you say Anne, its your<br />turn to clean the sh*t out of the cage. And<br />since you complained, wipe his ass while<br />you're at it too.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /></div>The quack research goes on and on, all the while Murdock keeps trying to mess with Brockton. He enlists the help of one of Brockton's colleagues, Dr. Selbourne to sink her. Selbourne's betrayal takes place during a hearing on whether or not Trog is to be destroyed. The person overhearing the issue tells Brockton that he will allow Trog to live for now until he comes to an ultimate decision.<br /><br />Here is where the film takes a major turn in plot stupidity. A bunch of scientists arrive to examine Trog and I should point out one of the female ones actually resembles him. Yep that was low and I did "go there". Anyhow, they install some kind of device intoTrog's chest which I really didn't care to learn about. Just know that it somehow allows Trog to show them his inner most thoughts on film.<br /><br />Some of the thoughts mentioned above we have the "pleasure" of seeing. The film at this point kills about 10 minutes of screen time with stop motion visions of dinosaurs fighting. I guess we're to believe thatTrog was an observer to all this. Either that or he watched an substandard B-movie on dinosaurs before surgery. This somehow leavesTrog capable of speech and he says Anne's name clearly. I just threw up my shoulders at this point and called it a day.<br /><br />Sigh, moving on. Brockton brings her latest findings to another hearing. Murdock once again keeps pipping in like he has a point until they kick him out. I was wondering when they were going to do that. Anyhow, Murdock decides to infiltrateBrockton's workplace to set up Trog. He wrecks the lab and lets Trog loose. However, Trog follows him to his cart and beats the snot out of him. I guess Murdock wasn't a great planner. Trog heads out for a walk in the woods and gets 40 winks in.<br /><br />Trog wakes up the next morning and decides a rampage is in order. He heads into town and takes out a few shop keeps, tips over a car and terrorizes a bunch of children at the local playground.Trog also abducts a little girl who looks like the wind up dolly from earlier. Oh Christ, here we go with the human side angle of the monster in the movie. Of course this leads toTrog hauling her back down to his lair. The armed forces arrive on the scene but Brockton heads down first. She rescues the child which leaves Trog to go out in Tony Montana fashion. With Trog dead, Brockton slumps away presumably heading towards a rather lousy career future.<br /><br />Trog is one of those films that tries it's damnedest to be taken seriously but simply ends up coming off as immensely silly. I personally put a major blame of that aspect onTrog's appearance. I just couldn't find him threatening as a monster. Its almost as if the special effects crew had a good idea from the neck up and said "screw it" for the rest of the body. Either that or they ran out of money during the makeup application process.<br /><br />Believe it or not when it comes to acting there is little to pick on. Yes, feel free to pick your mouths off the ground now...TheDarkSider actually liked the acting in this film. Crawford, although a bit withered at the point in her career, really seems to take the role seriously. Especially when she scoldsTrog which I'll admit I found unintentionally funny. Gough plays a wonderful prick in the form of Murdock although I couldn't really figure out what his character's angle was. Perhaps he just enjoyed being a prick. The film itself is well produced and pretty tight editing wise. However, there is much that dampers all said above items.<br /><br />Trog by far will not go down as the anything near the best monster movie ever. However, there is something there that could have been. All the film had to do was evolve. Get it? Evolve...cavemen...ok forget it.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br />(the A-holes of the film get their moment)<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Trog</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZPzCdmt-9tNzhGY333vNSEzql4uvsjp-DAuPHYIjD06IRkfaU4RKFwmXfTF92-wTzHd7x-W13typjSTKktGjEmsJnC2Sr44J-FN7h67YcxI7Ne5hA1YRJb1xApCCfTOGSwg13ReBXrM4/s1600-h/trog1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 287px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZPzCdmt-9tNzhGY333vNSEzql4uvsjp-DAuPHYIjD06IRkfaU4RKFwmXfTF92-wTzHd7x-W13typjSTKktGjEmsJnC2Sr44J-FN7h67YcxI7Ne5hA1YRJb1xApCCfTOGSwg13ReBXrM4/s320/trog1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392990528192066514" border="0" /></a><br />The first ever winner of the "Mr. But-his-face" competition.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Murdock</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiet4reIQblwZZhUq7ehFZT4rSgKkti1QJL2_ix2u2Ckfwd79coglS-M5nxTCJ6SW8Ok4rP_Iv-nNKP1x1tV-_82G-bJolGNrxA0z4W5y54jptGtHypQAE00yPrqlkpnBikx3N_4bLkQcw/s1600-h/trog3.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 207px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiet4reIQblwZZhUq7ehFZT4rSgKkti1QJL2_ix2u2Ckfwd79coglS-M5nxTCJ6SW8Ok4rP_Iv-nNKP1x1tV-_82G-bJolGNrxA0z4W5y54jptGtHypQAE00yPrqlkpnBikx3N_4bLkQcw/s320/trog3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392990928731739522" border="0" /></a><br />Don't make him mad or he'll<br />get snooty on you...snoooooty.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 323px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0HbSwGhrn90A7Nc8oBZTZXT0PJSUER02_gwNiMqFGmqK7LCXU5HdIfPsIvVhAosSPt4pRIepbO88uTugh96_1OETxC3SHSoC2ANTpDL2dK0LeUuZB4NVqsgMPwLBD83Uaha1Geocen9k/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388114770301041490" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRQ-Fh8_6zW08_hlHacc8M5FoviYXnl_AxqFHY8JZC3iH3mUcuBaSCKLeAzDvNXs94kxp7ji4lKKUitSMnkH4Omyez3Kp3P7pf8RcEC0swOeWoQ7DZVh2eJqKEo15BfdYUM7NwzPU1G8/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRQ-Fh8_6zW08_hlHacc8M5FoviYXnl_AxqFHY8JZC3iH3mUcuBaSCKLeAzDvNXs94kxp7ji4lKKUitSMnkH4Omyez3Kp3P7pf8RcEC0swOeWoQ7DZVh2eJqKEo15BfdYUM7NwzPU1G8/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392991480744836770" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRQ-Fh8_6zW08_hlHacc8M5FoviYXnl_AxqFHY8JZC3iH3mUcuBaSCKLeAzDvNXs94kxp7ji4lKKUitSMnkH4Omyez3Kp3P7pf8RcEC0swOeWoQ7DZVh2eJqKEo15BfdYUM7NwzPU1G8/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqRQ-Fh8_6zW08_hlHacc8M5FoviYXnl_AxqFHY8JZC3iH3mUcuBaSCKLeAzDvNXs94kxp7ji4lKKUitSMnkH4Omyez3Kp3P7pf8RcEC0swOeWoQ7DZVh2eJqKEo15BfdYUM7NwzPU1G8/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392991480744836770" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCH304_2XjWJTXRfz-YabhWqMCBE72WgSw-ElSO3pQrn5OhRd7nO_xHsXf3pvLat1d44P6DaYs0YA-OR_mekj-Azj04LYpf2-W_fuI8BIDXF4AL1gBBOeguyMs6xfTRltgGhemnfh4BR4/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCH304_2XjWJTXRfz-YabhWqMCBE72WgSw-ElSO3pQrn5OhRd7nO_xHsXf3pvLat1d44P6DaYs0YA-OR_mekj-Azj04LYpf2-W_fuI8BIDXF4AL1gBBOeguyMs6xfTRltgGhemnfh4BR4/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392991617254556130" border="0" /></a><br />Click on the banner below for more Monster-rrific movie reviews<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem.html"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 407px; height: 49px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-GQ8c15-g0S2C0Ugry5SyNv2mD3V_CLZLhh9wNIOXT-cwQP2jt4QFycvNVkdCYRGbKbvgD9l9u_XnNwUojMshSrUW4gezo88C9lre8GBvmkEShFpq9tIvCniEurN1RbguTKnbGcvtwMI/s320/MONSTERBANNER.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392993057487798050" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span><br /></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-10779533027409865272009-10-04T07:01:00.000-07:002009-10-04T14:25:31.159-07:00Bigfoot...Big Deal...<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem_468.jpg" border="0" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Sasquatch The Legend Of Bigfoot</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">Reviewed By</span>: <span style="font-style: italic;">The DarkSider</span> 10/4/2009<br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);"><br />The Plot</span>: It seems cryptozoology is something people either enjoy hearing about or don't. On one side of the fence you have the folks who pretty much boycott the idea of undiscovered beings. Then there's the folks that think there is something more out there than the stuff you find in the pages of Ranger Rick. Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if the Loch Ness Monster was on the cover of Ranger Rick. You could have a bunch of cutesy features about it with adorable drawings around Nessie's head.<br /><br />Well I digress. I have to admit I'm part of the population that is mildly interested in what 'monsters' could be out there. Granted we already have a wealth of odd look critters that have already been discovered. That and I constantly ask the question if say a crypto was found, would anyone really give a crap about it anymore? Well anyhow, people are always out to find the unknown and so is the group that head out in this film...and they do so very, very slowly.<br /><br />We start off with some footage of common woodland animals. We see a wolf, a moose, a bear, a deer...all not doing much of anything. Before things starts to look like an episode of Nova, we get some first person views of something presumably large walking through the forest. The woodland creatures all start to run away (Christ, this film is insulting my intelligence already) while the large shadow of a creature looms over the local water source.<br /><br />This is followed up rather quickly with some spoken dialog (now the plot is really screwed) about Bigfoot sightings all over the world. I wasn't really paying attention enough to deeply care but the jist is a group of researchers are planning to tag a Bigfoot in the British Columbia area. I'm sure that will go well...um yeah. The narrator continues to go on and on until he introduces himself as Chuck Evans. He introduces his buddies Dr. Paul Martin, Hank Parshall, Josh Bigsby (who reminded me of the drunk guy in Blazing Saddles), Barney Snipe, and Techka Blackhawk (a "Native American" with a rather bad wig on), all in a way too much information fashion.<br /><br />Finally shutting up with the dialog (for at least two minutes anyhow), Evans meets a Bob Vernon face to face. He is a skeptic reporter who apparently is not too happy to be on the expedition. Evans and his group head out on the trail while a rather lousy backing track plays. Just know that from here on out, the film is filled with lousy backing tracks and Evans's continuous dialog. In between we get..um...treated to more shots of animals including a badger vs wolf battle.<br /><br />Yawn...anyhow the boys keep on riding and riding and riding and riding. They stop for a bite to eat and discuss their surroundings. Then they take up riding again then suddenly...dun dun dah...a mountain lion appears. After looking at the group innocently for 5 minutes, it decides to attack but ends up getting blasted for it's efforts. Evans laments they had to shoot it but gives an "oh well" type of speech to make everyone feel better. I have to admit I'm not quite sure how they pulled these scenes off but I hope the lion didn't have to actually die for the sake of this film.<br /><br />That night at camp Bigsby spins a yarn about an event that happened years ago. A few miners were on their way back from the woods when they heard some ominous music playing. Well actually they heard something following them in the trees but the music does blast though in the film. That night, they were attacked by two Bigfoots (or is that Bigfeet). One busted through their cabin window while another chucked rocks at them from the cliff. Although this is supposed to be terrifying, all of this comes off as rather silly.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 329px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946143488478802" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT_iqVMndEDgDupg03UdbxbUnmjnzpx4Kg_NPgxUR48vKSRq-HdLt7Bq_N8FMl6A7MzifsomOKCFhWe4Y9wHW1DfFjBniyuCO2Dqc3TPvAetLkrDb1Xw_9Bbl135z27ULdMN9TPo_6n50/s1600-h/sasquatch1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 225px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT_iqVMndEDgDupg03UdbxbUnmjnzpx4Kg_NPgxUR48vKSRq-HdLt7Bq_N8FMl6A7MzifsomOKCFhWe4Y9wHW1DfFjBniyuCO2Dqc3TPvAetLkrDb1Xw_9Bbl135z27ULdMN9TPo_6n50/s320/sasquatch1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946293917472850" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">"Have you found a plot line yet?"<br />"Nope..."<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 329px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946143488478802" border="0" /></a><br /></div>This scene gets followed up with more nature shenanigans , this time between a bear and a raccoon. The boys get back on the horses and ride another 10 minutes of the movie away. They come across a couple of grizzly bears wrestling which although gratuitous, gave me something of interest to watch for a few minutes. Moving on, the guys finally make it to the big river of the area where, as legend goes, is Sasquatch country. Dun dun dah. Before crossing though, the boys set up camp.<br /><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span>Later at night one of the boys tell another story about a few trappers in the woods. After a day of setting traps, they returned to find their camp destroyed and rather large footprints. The guys ended up firing a few shots at a large creature during the night which made it go away. However in the morning after collecting their traps, one trapper ended up dead with a broken neck. Apparently these Bigfoot were like ninja assassins or something.<br /><br />After a bit of trouble crossing the river, the boys make it to the other side. They travel a bit more through deep forest all the while getting messed with by an unseen force. They eventually set up camp for the night and Vernon gets mauled by a grizzly who I’m personally presuming may have wanted to mate with him. Sadly he doesn't end up perishing.<br /><br />A few nights later, the boys find themselves in the heart of Sasquatch territory. A few guys stand watch while the others sleep. Out of nowhere they hear the cry of a Sasquatch (which I'm assuming resembles blue whales in heat) and it throws the camp into panic. Things settle down a bit and the next morning the boys make a plaster cast of a giant footprint they find.<br /><br />The group end up following the trail of Sasquatch and find some half knocked down trees. Apparently this is the way Sasquatch marks it's territory. Probably a good thing too because the smell of Bigfoot urine must be rather foul. Anyhow, the boys set up an electrical thinga-maggigar that will alert them to the creature's presence. This proves almost useful later that night when they are alerted to several creature's presences. What follows is kind of a cinematic cluster-f*ck. Shots are fired, Sasquatches attack, the guys dodge plastic bolders etc etc etc. The end result...the guys end up with jack sh*t. But, according to Evans, they will return one day. I personally won't be waiting.<br /><br />Yes indeed this film is like watching a slug travel a mile. The soundtrack is like water torture and the acting is just horrid. However, I kept asking myself if this film is much different than shows like Monsterquest that we have nowadays. In a way it was a bit of precursor to what similar shows now give us weekly on cable. However this film pretty much minuses any of the entertainment factors out.<br /><br />You have the retelling of Bigfoot sightings along with the reenactments, the beautiful scenery of the deep forest and most importantly...there's never any hard proof at the end of the story. Keep in mind though that I still tune in until the end waiting for something to happen. So in other words, I would be a hypocrite if I said I absolutely hated this film. However, it doesn't make up for what seemed like an hour or so of people travelling on horseback. I'd walk quickly past this one...in a hunchbacked Sasquatch manner to mock it.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 329px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946143488478802" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">Sasquatch</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1q8DJoy9GWfHToJtgAOAhLHg6aI7ZG14bkS9vyNsJOfblMjHxxo9J0qC-8_6khNuiWHPaS7qjSyP-yQjrvO3QTAC9jB8CptVrI1YI9mkzDQq_K5GDgMcV06wSZepK7bSUOGIYqqF5I5w/s1600-h/sasquatch2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 206px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1q8DJoy9GWfHToJtgAOAhLHg6aI7ZG14bkS9vyNsJOfblMjHxxo9J0qC-8_6khNuiWHPaS7qjSyP-yQjrvO3QTAC9jB8CptVrI1YI9mkzDQq_K5GDgMcV06wSZepK7bSUOGIYqqF5I5w/s320/sasquatch2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946980944708626" border="0" /></a><br />Perhaps the biggest mystery to me about<br />him is "does he sh*t in the woods".<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 329px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidQa_7QJkikqyAIW7QeQOx5i29e9asLDt17XMRjbxjtvquB94jhtGNfPuzHjI3LIhrV4h81TxaqgwBSW4e3cCYa8B_7fRliEsj07Jp8-X7cAZNmricg2d4jOw_c5s0QyO1VOhUVj18Ews/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385946143488478802" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE</span></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi7Fid88DrgZs5tAk-mmt83gt_kGrjemHiwU1exoiYMnqCfy1zVHBeAAB70t6s0pkVWas3ukzQPFQErOsxHxekiL0HiF8Met8iQQbhSUfssr90jcpFQ6zKqGZOxs2cZb0xxTVib552Ivk/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi7Fid88DrgZs5tAk-mmt83gt_kGrjemHiwU1exoiYMnqCfy1zVHBeAAB70t6s0pkVWas3ukzQPFQErOsxHxekiL0HiF8Met8iQQbhSUfssr90jcpFQ6zKqGZOxs2cZb0xxTVib552Ivk/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385951079713969970" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqGZ4UUfrP2D10sSO1VFFP1AARBctH1drJYILnedSPBPkBBlhJI5_saM8azNXnRH9_dMnkoboGLzT1hsXXYRShBug9zTku_irAH8aImTRjkoqYJkRCdYBODf0KfzV3nzvO4kcZwCBiTe4/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqGZ4UUfrP2D10sSO1VFFP1AARBctH1drJYILnedSPBPkBBlhJI5_saM8azNXnRH9_dMnkoboGLzT1hsXXYRShBug9zTku_irAH8aImTRjkoqYJkRCdYBODf0KfzV3nzvO4kcZwCBiTe4/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5385951025399346290" border="0" /></a><br />Click on the banner below for more Monster-rrific movie reviews<br /><a href="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem.html"><img alt="" src="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem_728.jpg" width="580" border="0" height="71" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-13588954984098373552009-09-20T18:01:00.000-07:002009-09-20T18:03:24.068-07:00Pinocchio Has Some Major Wood<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><br /></a> </div><div style="font-weight: bold; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio (1971)</span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Reviewed By: The DarkSider</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> 9/20/09</span><br /></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">The Plot</span>: As a reviewer of the tripe I often take on, I find there is something about a lengthy title that draws me in. While browsing online for items to rent, I often skip over the "good" one word movie titles and move right into the 3 word or more categories. Side note, I think that should be a search filter on these online renting sites. Seriously, just imagine logging on to your Netflix or Blockbuster account and using the "3 words or more in the title" filter. Tell me that wouldn't reek of awesomeness. </span><br /><br />Which brings me to this film I'm about to take on. When I first saw the title's wordiness I was rather impressed. That and the obvious words "erotic" and "Pinocchio" together could only mean cinematic tripe gold. When it arrived, my wife said to me "Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio" in a "wtf" kind of tone. I just shrugged like I normally do and ran to the nearest DVD player.<br /><br />This tale of horny life sized puppets and their masters begins with a buxom blond (who is later revealed as the fairy godmother) telling us the story of Gepetta who is the obvious female equivalent to the real story's Gepetto. Gepetta, another buxom blond, somehow can't get any hot male action which I did my damndest to buy into. So one day she lovingly crafts, with a little extra time spent in the crotch area, a life sized male puppet. For no apparent reason it can talk but when it comes to performing in bed, this piece of wood can't light a fire. Get ready for a lot of lame wood jokes in this review by the way.<br /><br />So after an unsuccessful night of the horizontal tango, Pinocchio gets a visit from the fairy godmother (who's clothes keeping magically disappearing thanks to her wand) who grants him life as a human stud. Being a polite guy, he goes off to take Gepetta's virginity but is stopped by a local brothel owner named Jo Jo. Jo Jo talks him out of popping Gepetta for the moment by tempting him with his star whore Mabelle. Pinocchio is stopped by the fairy godmother who tells him to go get busy with Gepetta. Hmmmm... the life of a puppet is so tough isn't it? Well, Pinocchio decides for the moment he wants the FG and chases her around naked. Side note, I find the only time I can tolerate male nudity is when a guy is running. Its just really funny to me.<br /><br />So after an extended bit of bouncy full frontal nudity, the FG puts a spell on Pinocchio that freezes him. She tells him that he needs to get all up in Gepetta or else. Pinocchio, who proves he's as dumb as a...well...block of wood, gets distracted by Jo Jo again. Jo Jo tells him he needs a little practice before he gets with Gepetta. Pinocchio get in plenty of practice much to the pleasure of the ladies in the whorehouse apparently. Jo Jo puts Pinocchio through a special test which has him taking on two lesbians. (Don't ask me, I didn't write this sh*t.) Pinocchio passes it with flying colors and Jo Jo sees money signs for the local female population.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 321px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717756266866930" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwB2gNeemOMmGqXdr7yP-Tqgz6bfbE9LeL6arQUMJ_uMrvoYHCFo1Bl6YA4pWJJD1UWu_t9QSeyrAdwqBJoZUIx89X83xaH0KOOEC4jGCO6x9FV0tOmVtQ5Xh_sNckSvoO198xXpKbCdM/s1600-h/eropinoke2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 236px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwB2gNeemOMmGqXdr7yP-Tqgz6bfbE9LeL6arQUMJ_uMrvoYHCFo1Bl6YA4pWJJD1UWu_t9QSeyrAdwqBJoZUIx89X83xaH0KOOEC4jGCO6x9FV0tOmVtQ5Xh_sNckSvoO198xXpKbCdM/s320/eropinoke2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717570064582034" border="0" /></a><br />What The DarkSider has to deal with<br />every single morning.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 321px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717756266866930" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Pinocchio goes out and quite literally screws the neighborhood. Everywhere ladies are screaming while Jo Jo pockets cash. The FG decides to warn Pinocchio again about his actions and shows him in a vision what really [Issac Hayes Voice]making love [/Issac Hayes Voice] is all about. However, Pinocchio gets duped again by Jo Jo who convinces him to do a virtual f*ck-a-thon. After banging his way through several chicks live on stage, the FG puts a curse on Pinocchio. Basically, if he doesn't make love to Gepetta his unit will grow. Um...and this is a punishment how?<br /><br />Well, the fairy godmother lets his tallywhacker grow to epic proportions. Pinocchio starts to have issues with it and can't seem to manage every day life. The FG arrives once again to verbally lash him right before he partakes in a massive orgy celebrating his ridiculously sized manhood. Pinocchio decides he has had too much attention at the whorehouse and bails to look for Gepetta. He finds her being assaulted by a group of baddies. However, with a mighty swing of his rod he takes them out. Now I've f*cking seen everything. He runs away from Gepetta but is later reunited with her. He awakes to find his main vein down to a normal size. The FG arrives to tell him he can now stay a normal man because he found love. Pinocchio and Gepetta run off to share love and whatever STDs Pinocchio picked up at Jo Jo's place. I'm assuming one of them was wood rot.<br /><br />It goes without saying, the T & A factor is all over the place in this one. Due to the era of the film's production, the gals are all natural and curvy which I can honestly say is the way I like them. Of course this is just below a softcore endeavor so don't expect many full frontal scenes. I won't say this is a spank material film but one may get wood (all puns intended) watching it.<br /><br />This film is tasteless, poorly produced/acted and downright lame with it's jokes. Yet...for some reason (I'm blaming my 16 year old mind) I found it mildly entertaining. How can one not when you take into account its a cheap cinematic version of a burlesque show. In other words, the filmmakers knew what they were making and didn't try to hide it in a bout of artsy film making. The action takes place between two location and as mentioned above, they throw enough T & A factor to distract you.<br /><br />Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio won't go down as a thinking man's film. Rather just something you could possibly add to your guilty pleasures of cinema list. Perhaps put it right next to that cherished copy of D*ckman And Throbbin.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 321px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717756266866930" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrVm_sD8I-sD3PhcdpZUbuLJiSaRGAxjugEZinx-FcsVPn2bCTtlnAreZ0rfFBOSPHwVRU4q6tegAI_TYQYJ01K3QQhnqjiRkJV7iAz0wO7ZLwzzWZnAHV07g3_Ql0N81DuNN2gCcf4ZM/s1600-h/eropinoke1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 249px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrVm_sD8I-sD3PhcdpZUbuLJiSaRGAxjugEZinx-FcsVPn2bCTtlnAreZ0rfFBOSPHwVRU4q6tegAI_TYQYJ01K3QQhnqjiRkJV7iAz0wO7ZLwzzWZnAHV07g3_Ql0N81DuNN2gCcf4ZM/s320/eropinoke1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717461475574338" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">Jo Jo</span><br />Thanks to morons like Pinocchio<br />pimpin' is in fact easy.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 321px; height: 11px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4F3FG33NUq9BUshOQuL5Xs4FyRG-kIkxnM2yIGj5UX12zceutr3ja6PZwho5tf47oJe30kAhFKqM8n4Id9FhZ6BpESumuI_sNFgnYpF2d8hjFDfFiaz1oJYH8Zv227ojV5K_TonPttwE/s320/short_black.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383717756266866930" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">OVERALL GRADE</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_3rcnBz6FNBCxRPQvyfPRUxMZhv7gkn0M8tvZP7u7n0qGi1_o7lM-U89MQD5XkTKsMpw9Tc8n8PH5qRejABh3JZFUSR9R49uZoSGhEMWpL5ws3qylNYQSOvWvMN4J6hpkXt3-xXZybSc/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_3rcnBz6FNBCxRPQvyfPRUxMZhv7gkn0M8tvZP7u7n0qGi1_o7lM-U89MQD5XkTKsMpw9Tc8n8PH5qRejABh3JZFUSR9R49uZoSGhEMWpL5ws3qylNYQSOvWvMN4J6hpkXt3-xXZybSc/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383718886771789362" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_3rcnBz6FNBCxRPQvyfPRUxMZhv7gkn0M8tvZP7u7n0qGi1_o7lM-U89MQD5XkTKsMpw9Tc8n8PH5qRejABh3JZFUSR9R49uZoSGhEMWpL5ws3qylNYQSOvWvMN4J6hpkXt3-xXZybSc/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_3rcnBz6FNBCxRPQvyfPRUxMZhv7gkn0M8tvZP7u7n0qGi1_o7lM-U89MQD5XkTKsMpw9Tc8n8PH5qRejABh3JZFUSR9R49uZoSGhEMWpL5ws3qylNYQSOvWvMN4J6hpkXt3-xXZybSc/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383718886771789362" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiqVxb5ffnr5efK6EdcVdkFF8Lsfs0R16qk4F7bs7pr1jJ1SMAmn4CJKfh02RZg7GcD-v5MYpzDnuS0T9ySYl4ij3BO9B1_aZ0sK9tkS17nApz2yWRZHLDvEasdmI3hKrKpPzYdu92Dds/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiqVxb5ffnr5efK6EdcVdkFF8Lsfs0R16qk4F7bs7pr1jJ1SMAmn4CJKfh02RZg7GcD-v5MYpzDnuS0T9ySYl4ij3BO9B1_aZ0sK9tkS17nApz2yWRZHLDvEasdmI3hKrKpPzYdu92Dds/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5383719394831078370" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span> </div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-23580351140130060782009-08-29T03:45:00.000-07:002009-08-29T07:01:36.639-07:00Casper Van Dien Gets Unwrapped<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE CURSE OF KING TUT'S TOMB (2006)</span></strong></span></div> <div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Reviewed By: The DarkSider </span></strong></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >8/29/09</span>
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<br />The Plot:</span></strong> I was in a local shopping center a few weeks ago when I saw the big bin of $5.00 videos. Granted, even though the better selection of awful cinema was a single dollar store away, I figured why not paw through the pile for some options. It was then I saw a set of 4 DVDs that made me laugh out loud quite literally.
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<br />You see, I love when certain films take the guise of other popular films for attention. For example, amongst the 4-pack they had a pirate film "based" on Blackbeard. The poster had four faces of the cast lingering over a pirate ship in the ocean. Hmmm...I think Johnny Depp was in a similar film but I can't put my finger on it. Then there was a sequel to Merlin called Merlin's Apprentice with the title spelled out in lightning text on the poster. That would be similar to a boy wizard movie I had heard about back in the day. Then there was this one I'm about to review about a famous ruler in Egypt that apparently has a curse surrounding his tomb. Sigh...lets explore this "original" idea.
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<br /></span><div><span style="font-size:100%;">In a prelude that took me a few watches to comprehend, we learn of the great King Tut who ruled Egypt as a young man. Ok warning for history buffs, that is about one of the only things that mirrors any sort of historical accuracy in this film. King Tut was a young man who ruled Egypt. Abandon all historical facts after this, Ok? Moving on, RA put him on this earth to be the chosen one...or something...against a horde of flying demons who possessed the dreaded emerald tablet. What is this tablet? Why is it so important? Don't ask me, I never figured it out. Anyhow, the demons attack his people and through praying to the Gods, Tut is turned into a half assed Kid Icarus of sorts. He soars into battle and wastes quite a few demons before facing their grand poohbah. Doing what any good hero would do, he finds the emerald tablet and breaks it (aka cheats) which causes the head demon, his legions and Tut himself to be taken away in a vortex. Now, remember that aspect of the "plot" for later.
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<br />All this is told through spoken narration (there goes all hope for this film) by archaeologist Professor Danny Freemont. Freemont is played by Casper Van Dien who serves as your mediocre Indiana Jones for the next few hours. Side note on Van Dien , is he becoming the new god of B-movies? Every time I hear his name I think "made for TV" or "b-movie". Well, at least he is eating well. Moving on, he tells us of how the emerald tablet was broken into four pieces and sent all over the earth. It has been a big goal of his to find them because he wants to use them for good.
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<br /></span><div><span style="font-size:100%;">We join up with Freemont on an arctic expedition where he somehow knows which icy cavern. out of one million in the area, holds his treasure. Here is where idiocy galore seeps in. You see, at this point in his career, he had found two of the four pieces. Yet the first two times, his discoveries were automatically stolen away by the dreaded Hellfire Council. Yeah, that sound menacing doesn't it? The Hellfire Council, who is led by Malcolm McDowell, has a main go to guy named Sinclair. Apparently the Hellfire Council is a bunch of old rich dudes played "that guy" actors who are up to no good. That and it is required to have a snide <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">British</span> accent.
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<br />Having been owned twice before, you'd figure that </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">would perhaps pack a gun on his latest expedition. Of course the idiot doesn't and has the tablet taken from him like candy from a baby by Sinclair. Yep folks, this is the guy we need to cheer for in this film. This nonsense cuts to a few oddly edited scenes. In one scenario, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">is teaching his class on the Tomb of King Tut and it's possible location . Elsewhere, the Hellfire Council is having the exact same conversation which somehow syncs up with </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;">'s lecture. What luck huh!
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<br /></span><div><span style="font-size:100%;">Once again not even ten minutes in, the train falls off the tracks. You see, minutes ago we are left to believe that King Tut simply disappeared into a vortex with his adversaries. Yet these bozos are out to find his tomb. Wouldn't there have to be a body and a grand old collection of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">artifacts</span> to be a tomb? I mean did one automatically appear in his absence? Sigh...well moving on we get introduced to Dr. Azeila Barakat who is your Rachel Weisz of the film. She proves to be the snappy yet sexy character who is a know it all. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> talks to her in the street and out of nowhere they are approached by a madman. The nutty fellow somehow shows the future of the film, which is indeed bleak,to </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">in visions.
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<br /></span><div><span style="font-size:100%;">Well, the Hellfire Council decides to mess around with </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">a bit. First they get him fired from his professor gig then they get him canned from his publisher. I guess we're supposed to buy this secret society of evil rich old guys have the biggest pimp hand in the world. Sinclair and his buddies also secure maps to the tomb. While they do a bit of digging, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">with the help of some lackey buddies, joins up with a poker game. Apparently the main fellow playing has the REAL map to the tomb. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">somehow fools the hardened card players into thinking he is sick and he pick pockets the map. Idiotic enough right? Well hunker down because this leads to a rather silly chase scene involving camels. Imagine camels running...pulling carts...through busy streets.
<br /></span><p align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 326px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span> </p><p align="center"> </p></div><p align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3BjFUc_3ZDPV8LWVqCR2A7tAwfe_B4HyQZRrIN953uxYQJOhcbcb-m8BktbwaUjvP6ZMdkYEQrItBlQj9VJ5jbpsVEryq-n7C6GBNBFBjd-0e4DF9l-M1ZnYuwzDTZxSjnZGJiwm8Kc/s1600-h/tombkingtut3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377932728817058" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 230px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3BjFUc_3ZDPV8LWVqCR2A7tAwfe_B4HyQZRrIN953uxYQJOhcbcb-m8BktbwaUjvP6ZMdkYEQrItBlQj9VJ5jbpsVEryq-n7C6GBNBFBjd-0e4DF9l-M1ZnYuwzDTZxSjnZGJiwm8Kc/s320/tombkingtut3.jpg" border="0" /></a></span></p><p align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;">There can be only one...or so...</span></p><p align="center"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 326px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span> </p><span style="font-size:100%;">So after acquiring the map, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">and his flunky buddies have a bunch of guys dig for the tomb. This stops because they find out </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">isn't paying them. Lets see...a thieving deadbeat without common sense. Yep, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">is a guy I can look up to as a hero. Um yeah...elsewhere, Sinclair demands more from his workers in extreme measures. He ends up slicing the foreman's throat when the workers demand better working conditions.
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<br />Back to </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> who finds the odd prophetic fellow from earlier speaking gibberish about Tut. He sends a boy to fetch Azeila, who at this point had been fired from the museum gig. Fremont has basically the same visions as before in the film which I'm assuming is set up to kill screen time. Azeila arrives and recognizes the gibberish as really ancient Egyptian. Ooooh, how intriguing. Then out of nowhere, a few symbols burn into the chest of the madman. Fremont, who apparently thinks calling the paramedics to help this poor man is overrated, quickly plops a piece of paper on the fellow's chest and pencils it. Why, well apparently this is the real map to the tomb.
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<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> follows the map and starts to dig a bit until he finds the golden mask of Tut. I must remind you again how stupid this discovery is seeing that Tut disappeared into a vortex. He was not embalmed in this movie, nor was he put into a pyramid...he just went "poof" and left the world. OK, I know you get the point about this but I simply can't fathom the logic behind all of this crap. Oh well...Fremont decides to plant the mask at Sinclair's digging site to throw him off the trail. Sinclair doesn't really buy into much but gets major flack from his Hellfire buddies. Meanwhile, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> finagles himself more diggers, a sponsor, and Azeila as his right hand woman.
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<br />Eventually, they stumble upon the tomb but before they enter, Azeila asks for a canary. After coming back with a parakeet (don't ask me, I just review here) the air is proved to be clean. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> and the gang go in to find treasures galore but call it a night so they can search properly. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">chases down an old journalist friend of his to tape their research. When they get to the actual tomb, they open it to find...really bad CG leaving it. Well actually no one really notices it, but it does end up taking the form of the the flying demons from the beginning. Which leads into part 2 of this endeavor.
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<br />Leaping into the um...exciting conclusion of this movie, we join up with </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">and company cleaning out the tomb. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">calls upon the village madman again to channel Tut. I guessed at this point that the madman had Tut's spiritual cellphone number or something. Tut answers and gives them cryptic instructions on acquiring the final piece of the emerald tablet. I often wondered why otherworldly spirits in films like this have to use riddles. Why can't they just tell the character where the damn thing they're looking for is located? Well, luckily </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">finds the final piece of the tablet right before his arse gets kicked out by the Egyptian government. Apparently Azeila was behind this backstabbing but she at least allows </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">to take the tablet piece with him. What a gal.
<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 337px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></div><p align="center"> </p><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1jBiDICNh6L-Bblh9jUvdJJW7eKclYRUTqXXde_Sd8jKu9JWwCwGmTzruuoEdpkTi6WO8GHN8hJfPJ5yNdxRiq4UIMJLU7W_pSsyaylf3oBGl06jeh8AHN2INfI2mpoQTPJnDaUlY1A/s1600-h/tombkingtut4.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 191px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM1jBiDICNh6L-Bblh9jUvdJJW7eKclYRUTqXXde_Sd8jKu9JWwCwGmTzruuoEdpkTi6WO8GHN8hJfPJ5yNdxRiq4UIMJLU7W_pSsyaylf3oBGl06jeh8AHN2INfI2mpoQTPJnDaUlY1A/s320/tombkingtut4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5336829707710929730" border="0" /></a>
<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">"To hell with history, we're selling this sh*t on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_47">Ebay</span>."
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<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 337px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a></span></div> </div><span style="font-size:100%;">That evening, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> settles back with his buds for a drink. He leaves the resturant, with his bag presumably containing the tablet, and gets abducted. So...I pointed out that he is toting his bag for a reason. You see, minutes after his departure he is abducted by Sinclair's men. Once Sinclair gets hold of him, he semi-tortures him for the location of the last piece. Please reread the sentence a few <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_51">sentences</span> ago about </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">toting his bag. Although I guess we can assume maybe </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">hid it somewhere, the logical aspect would be he'd have it on him at all times. I guess looking at this movie logically is probably a bad idea.
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<br />Sigh...before Sinclair can <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_54">mummify</span> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">alive (darn it), </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;">'s team of flunkies come to save him. A few scenes later, Sinclair visits one of </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont's</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> buddies who is dying from TB. He cures him and offers him a million dollars if he can secure the location of the last tablet piece. Through this fellow, Sinclair does secure the final piece of the table but after an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_58">unnecessarily</span> long chase scene, Sinclair ends up offing him.
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<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Sinclair proceeds with putting the tablet pieces together which gives him all sorts of power. He can suck the life out of people through his mouth (yep, they went there), control fire which he uses to kill everyone on the Hellfire Council and sends demon hordes out to assault the masses. Meanwhile, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">mounts a counter attack with his buddies but ends up having hallucinations about Azeila. In a bit of cheap CG, Azeila turns into an evil creature. I'm assuming the film had run out of special effects money at this point because it quickly switches to </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> alone in the room shadow boxing. Luckily, the film doesn't prolong this idiocy long. Unfortunately, it gives way to one of the most idiotic things I've ever seen in a movie. You see, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> realizes what he is experiencing isn't real and wakes up back in the room with his <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_64">friends</span>. </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">then goes into a tirade about how to fight the evil. In other words, the power of the mind with the help of King Tut goes a long way.
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<br />I don't think I can take this film much longer...
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<br />Sigh...</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">and company steal back the tablet and head back to Tut's tomb. For whatever reason, Sinclair gets to keep his powers without it. I gave up questioning plot idiocy at this point. With Sinclair on their heels, they find a secret <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_67">entrance</span> into an underground section of the tomb. In a massive array of time killing, members of the group get slowly killed by giant snakes, vortexes and other nonsense. Somehow, everyone finds a route to the underworld where they seek out Tut. Through use of the tablet, the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_69">remaining</span> few resurrect Tut who is a little worse for wear. Sinclair, who kills off just about <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_70">everyone</span> at this point, reacquires the tablet and uses it to call upon the head demon from the beginning. He does this because...well I don't really know. It seems like he had everything under control in the evil department. Well, either way it ends up being a bad choice because the head demon kills off Sinclair.
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<br />In a lackluster final battle, Tut uses some Hadookens of sorts to kill off the head demon. Tut transports Azeila and </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;">, who manage to survive, back to the main tomb. However after bidding them farewell, Tut closes up the tomb for good. Azeila and </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont </span><span style="font-size:100%;">return to the city to find it <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_76">peaceful</span> once again. That's cool, at least they didn't end with something as stupid that involved everyone who died returning to lead <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_78">successful</span> lives. Oh wait a minute...they do. That and the ending finds </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemon and Azeila </span><span style="font-size:100%;">in love. Sinclair and his buddies don't get to come back because they're mean or something. Oh and to sweeten the moronic pot, </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Freemont</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> gives his map to Howard Carter who indeed is the historical figure who found it. Too bad its several days and buck shorts later for historical accuracy in this piece of tripe. </span><span style="text-decoration: underline;font-size:100%;" >
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<br />So its a bit more than obvious that this film would be the </span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_82" style="font-size:100%;">equivalent</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> of the Indiana Jones and Mummy franchises taking a dump on top of each other thus clogging up the </span><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_83" style="font-size:100%;">toilet</span> making it overflow with simply awful imagery. In other words, who the hell were they honestly trying to fool by making this film? Its like the Kidz Bop version of the Mummy. Watered down and nowhere even 1,000 miles near it's big money making counterpart in quality. Really, they go over and beyond "borrowing" ideas from the franchise and it still comes off as one of the worst films I've ever viewed. I mean even the poster, which of course has nothing to do with the film's imagery, is in this grand scheme of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_85" style="font-size:100%;">blatant</span> retarded film cloning. But it doesn't stop there my friends...no...it doesn't stop there.<span style="font-size:100%;">
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<br />Just about everything in this film is horrible to watch. Let me point out the editing first. So many scenes in this endeavor are laced together with no rhyme or reason. One minute we're watching the Hellfire Council meeting about something.
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<br />Then it switches to Freemont hanging out with his friends. Then it goes to Azeila doing something in the museum. So on and so on until your mind needs a healthy dose of ADD medicine to get your focus back. Imagery wise, although its not the worst CG I've seen its generally low budgeted and horribly video game looking. Acting wise...well we're going to need a whole paragraph for that one...
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<br />When one looks at this cast, one might think that they could have pulled off something decent. Its laced with several decent, but not really famous, "that guy" actors who I've enjoyed in other film watchings. Regardless of their talents, the one I'm most shocked at is Malcolm Mcdowell. Mcdowell, who I rank in my top 5 favorite actors of all time, made me cringe while watching him in this role. I mean this is the guy who gave us many stellar performances in the 70s through the 90s. In this one, he simply seems to limp through the dialog and delivery which I'm assuming is because theres no inspiration script wise. Id say thats par for pretty much everyone else involved in the script.
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<br />Oh and for those of you who thought I wasn't about to point out Jonathan Hyde's role as Sinclair, let me assure you I haven't forgotten. Think back to 1999 when The Mummy came out. Do you recall a character named Allen Chamberlain who led the Americans on the search for The Mummy's tomb? Yes my friends, that would by Mr. Hyde in that role. Here he is several years later in the poor man's version of the box office smash playing one the antagonists. Arrrrrgggggg! I mean seriously, how far was this film willing to go up The Mummy franchise's @ss? Would tasting what they had for lunch suffice?
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<br />I guess if anything, the film isn't 100% unwatchable. It was after all made for the Hallmark Channel which I personally equate with movies revolving around mothers and daughters getting along. This film is a challenge of how long you can stay in there watching it. I'd say its like an actual mummy. Dry, one plain color and rotted out. However, parts of you look at it with interest wondering how it was ever made.</span>
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 337px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE</span>
<br />(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)</span>
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">The Hellfire Council</span>
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZbSbk0H89msOOyoN6gY4iNti_Yq-xX1OV3TxgghkdscwcGCGBZlb0_b5JYID2NaSCusu_wMT5dkCdBydQV6xmbaQ3oRmjVWfFg3Zg20eUfVrN5LTOJhz9Mo_67l52wOWa93nzsorOP4s/s1600-h/tombkingtut1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 188px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZbSbk0H89msOOyoN6gY4iNti_Yq-xX1OV3TxgghkdscwcGCGBZlb0_b5JYID2NaSCusu_wMT5dkCdBydQV6xmbaQ3oRmjVWfFg3Zg20eUfVrN5LTOJhz9Mo_67l52wOWa93nzsorOP4s/s320/tombkingtut1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375332945936805490" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Aka the Legion Of Doom for Senior Citizens. </span>
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<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">The Demon Leader</span>
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ESjqTi0H4r2SoOZsKK-s9hiyZVwgHCl7uwJ-XzS4lLcFJukDeO6CvKyHozsNMYXDhHJEulrkS8BPYUgIc3NV3WVYwtoXWuY4HbGJdps4ebYaXhWPkLU3uPoEwmqcFDJDFHANjs2a4vc/s1600-h/tombkingtut2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 198px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ESjqTi0H4r2SoOZsKK-s9hiyZVwgHCl7uwJ-XzS4lLcFJukDeO6CvKyHozsNMYXDhHJEulrkS8BPYUgIc3NV3WVYwtoXWuY4HbGJdps4ebYaXhWPkLU3uPoEwmqcFDJDFHANjs2a4vc/s320/tombkingtut2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375333873646783810" border="0" /></a>
<br />It doesn't seem right that the utmost evil in
<br />the universe can be controlled by something
<br />resembling a decorative plate.
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334377641173760498" style="width: 337px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwfI6NFmFJ8qcpQrDmYxJblPHfxXHcLKoogcHIgx_znt-gqRaOObL7G1Inqm9aeVm-7SyORu33nhfP6BYjaCPUYBo1jpDSQ98XAKxrCyyYqLVl0lGggIZRhykDzx_j0afLEiJ2hyphenhyphen7kZ7M/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:130%;" >Overall Grade</span>
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj-oOh6FkN6MDXHA4a6JyxixwNK5Zigd2doZc6vut7jE1W5_RYDgXF37uywwwhKzcnQB3BhQOnbhAQWWG02WVYVzh9YNCp7vW-aK7R6X37DkisprkMKfsYmLMxmt4A6IoWtjKQ5z8NiSE/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 32px; height: 32px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj-oOh6FkN6MDXHA4a6JyxixwNK5Zigd2doZc6vut7jE1W5_RYDgXF37uywwwhKzcnQB3BhQOnbhAQWWG02WVYVzh9YNCp7vW-aK7R6X37DkisprkMKfsYmLMxmt4A6IoWtjKQ5z8NiSE/s320/skullrating.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375334664682989714" border="0" /></a>
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<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span>
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<br />DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-80919039347001072782009-07-31T18:30:00.001-07:002009-08-12T18:21:33.078-07:00DarkSider's Realm Review Of Street Fighter (1994)<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sideorderofninjas.com/images/vgrbannerlarge.jpg"><img style="width: 600px; cursor: pointer; height: 125px;" alt="" src="http://www.sideorderofninjas.com/images/vgrbannerlarge.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:180%;" >Street Fighter (1994)</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Reviewed By: The DarkSider 8/1/09<br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Part Of The B-Movie Controllers Roundtable 2009</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">THE PLOT</span>: Sigh…another video game movie. The one I’m about to review had been hanging out on my shelf for quite some time. I bought it (for whatever reason) a few years back and I kept saying to myself “its time I review that”. However this time I apparently meant it. First a little background before we begin.<br /><br />Street Fighter II was one of those games I never really mastered but could hold my own in. I preferred Blanka more than anyone because of his slash and tear fighting style. I also moonlit as Dwalsim and M. Bison frequently. When this film initially came out back in the 90s I think my reaction was, “well that’s going to suck or be really cool”. I guess I should of realized “suck” was the only thing this movie was capable of doing. If anything, I’d like to go ahead point out the “subtle” character changes in the film’s plot. Keep in mind, I’m not going “fan boy “ on this movie’s misrepresentation of the game’s characters. Rather, I’m exploring how much they painfully dropped the ball, or in this case “controller”.<br /><br />The film opens with a world wide report from reporter Chun Li. Right away we have to stop. Chun Li was an agent in the game that was out to avenge her father’s death. So why is she a reporter you ask? Well the audience needs someone to explain why things are going wrong in Shadaloo City. Whats that you ask? Shadaloo was a crime syndicate in the original Street Fighter game? Well now its apparently broadened it’s horizons and became a tourist spot or something.<br /><br />Huge military things are happening there because M. Bison, an evil warlord, is out to vrule de vworld. Yes, they actually got his character somewhat right because it was hard to screw up. Bison is played by Raul Julia who I will cover in the last part of the review. Bison watches the newscast and apparently he’s got himself a bunch of hostages he’s holding for (extreme close up with pinky to my mouth) 20 BILLION DOLLARS.<br /><br />Oh but he’s in trouble folks because his adversary is rolling into town on an armored vehicle. Would this be the mild mannered American Air Force Guile from the game who is a man of few words? No, this is the brash Jean Claude Van Damme version of Col Guile who simply won’t stop talking through a thick European accent. If there was one character that annoyed me the most in this movie it was him. I like Van Damme movies here and there but he killed me in this role. I mean seriously, he is a master of one liners which were so awful it couldn't make people on laughing gas giggle.<br /><br />Anyhow, Guile is there with his buddy Cammy who I guess I can bend a little bit when it comes to game to character changes. That’s partially because she is played by Kylie Minogue. I can buy into just about anything on looks alone when it comes to her. However, also part of Guile’s team is T-Hawk who in the game was a standard Native American character out to avenge his father’s death. They pretty much slap a headband on him in this film and call it a day. These folks all lead the “AN” or “allied nations’. I guess they’re a small division of the UN that nobody wants to acknowledge…or at least that’s what I’m thinking.<br /><br />Guile sends out a vulgar message to M. Bison which kind of upsets Chun Li and her crew. Oh I didn’t mention those guys yet. Remember Balrog and E. Honda from the game? Well apparently they got themselves communication degrees and became Chun Li’s crew. Oh but the character idiocy is only about to continue. Through quick introductions we meet some of Bison’s henchmen, Zangief and Dee Jay. Zangief of course in the game was out to do his country proud in the SF tournament. Dee Jay was out to find the rhythm of the night...or something...when it came to fighting. Now they apparently have turned to the dark side. Bison messes with Guile giving him 3 days for the money or else. He also discovers that Guile’s buddy Charlie is in his clutches. Bison reads his dog tags to find out his name is Carlos Blanka. Oh man they wouldn’t dare combine two characters in the SF universe would they? Sigh…ok…ok…time out…time out!<br /><br />Jesus F’n Jehoshaphat! Did anyone involved with this damn film drop a single quarter into a SFII machine…ever?! I mean here it is, several paragraphs in and all I’m talking about is how badly they screwed up the characters. Yeah that’s my fault for caring so much but how can one ignore it? You have to figure a good percent of the target audience would at least have tried the game at some point. So why screw things up so horribly in the character cross over? Mortal Kombat had no problem keeping to the game’s plot and all that movie had was mediocre special effects and fighting. BUT it was entertaining. Why the hell couldn’t have this film done the same? Evil organization holds a fighting tournament …done…plot written. Why all of this revisionist BS?<br /><br />Well, Charlie gets hauled away to the lab ending the first 10 minutes of the movie. Got enough characters jammed up your arse yet? Don’t worry there is more on the way. Quickly we join up with Vega who appears with mask and claw fighting in a cage. Ok…game reference…finally. Maybe they are going to get characters like Ryu and Ken at least close to their in game characters. Oh wait a minute…apparently the well disciplined warriors from the game are now into illegal weapon dealings with Sagat. Are you f*cking kidding me? Well…so much for what I said a few sentences ago. Ryu and Ken are found to be frauds by Sagat and after some fighting, he holds them at gunpoint. This switches over to Bison talking to a Dr…here we go again…Dhalsim. No…no…no…not the pacifist fighter from India. Rather a doctor being held against his will be Bison. As much as it depressed me to write that last sentence, it makes me smile. There are officially no more game to character abominations to cover.<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332864909082358914" style="width: 322px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></span></div></div></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-TukrGxB53AyYDPw0RfHG9GewMIFv7DxvRTfN1Y4fSdjyLUKlcOEE1Xdc5uaIdNvupg1l0dOwCbv327iDBw1O5uOzy9bnAzaOG2FjiA5wdh_dpZQgk-wugeYRybhe1KjPbb91BJWGvps/s1600-h/streetfighter2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332864711598666738" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 193px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-TukrGxB53AyYDPw0RfHG9GewMIFv7DxvRTfN1Y4fSdjyLUKlcOEE1Xdc5uaIdNvupg1l0dOwCbv327iDBw1O5uOzy9bnAzaOG2FjiA5wdh_dpZQgk-wugeYRybhe1KjPbb91BJWGvps/s320/streetfighter2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />"</span><span style="font-size:100%;">Hmmm...do you remember what accent we were<br />supposed to be </span><span style="font-size:100%;">doing?<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332864909082358914" style="width: 322px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Oh wait…one last character that I kind of covered earlier…Blanka. This one I’m dedicating a paragraph to because he was in fact my favorite in game character. So Blanka’s story in the game was that of fierce jungle warrior in Brazil. He could harness electricity through his body and shock people in one of the coolest moves in fighting game history. So…what did they do to my go to guy in this film? First they combined him with Charlie which is a leap too big in itself to fathom. But wait…it gets better. He is transformed into the orange haired Blanka we know from the game by first viewing awful images (clips of this film probably) and later by mutant steroids. Out of all the plot idiocy I have covered up and down in EVERY review I've EVER done, this one is in near (if not) number one. I’m going to have to step away from my computer for a bit.<br /><br />Ok…I guess I’ve gained my composure. The next scene we join up with Ryu who is pitted in a cage match against Vega. Before the movie can start to look anything like the game, Guile busts in and breaks up the event thus arresting everyone there. I’m glad one man can do that. Well after this hootenanny, Guile holds a meeting which is broken up by an assassination attempt and a prison riot. Of course, the riot is caused by members of Shadoloo messing with Ken and Ryu. Guile notices their fighting ability and takes interest in them as good guys. He puts a guilt trip on them and tells them they’ll leave over his dead body.<br /><br />Quicker than you can say “foreshadow”, Ryu and Ken put a plan into motion during transport. They get the keys to their cuffs and take over the transport. This eventually sees Guile getting capped by Ken in the middle of the street. Chun Li witnesses this and puts some sort of tracking device on the truck. You know, because reporters have that sort of thing with them regularly. Bison hears of Guile’s death and expresses remorse that we will not be able to fight him. He then goes on to monologues, like generic villains often do in scripts, about ruling the world and whatnot.<br /><br />Later that evening, Chun Li and her gang (for reasons I’m not sure about) pick up a homing signal in their van from the AN building. Chun Li goes into ninja mode and raids their building to find Guile very much alive. He has her taken away but she escapes successfully after mentioning she is not just a reporter….and a ninja…and a…oh who the hell knows at this point what she is…or any of the other characters for that matter.<br /><br />Cut to Bison who is having a talent night or something in his camp. A few things go on in the next couple scenes such as Ryu and Ken getting abducted by the performers who happen to be Chun Li and her gang. At this point I realized how much Ryu and Ken in this movie reminded me of the annoying brothers in Double Dragon. They tell the boys that they are going to blow the place sky high. Meanwhile, Bison and Sagat get into an argument over funding. Apparently Bison has printed his own Bison dollars which ticks off Sagat. The two factions almost end up blowing each other away until Chun Li’s plan takes effect causing the camp to go up in flames.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332864909082358914" style="width: 324px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ73uhN2mqj7DdduEiTyv9IH0yMkljaNpsZjzH3BHJpru_wPxJlwff0o7HEq6EYwoszUHk_VYcBELutLd9jDrIaM8L5tDrwsVb9d1lxaUusCncqMO1Dh4aPDo5Rt7QJSZlxROFhH4uGvY/s1600-h/streetfighter1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332866249512935570" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 197px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ73uhN2mqj7DdduEiTyv9IH0yMkljaNpsZjzH3BHJpru_wPxJlwff0o7HEq6EYwoszUHk_VYcBELutLd9jDrIaM8L5tDrwsVb9d1lxaUusCncqMO1Dh4aPDo5Rt7QJSZlxROFhH4uGvY/s320/streetfighter1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;">"Please! Stop! I'll do anything you want!<br />Just turn the Hannah Montana marathon off!"<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332864909082358914" style="width: 324px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGO0QCPX11SheBPIXptYMJ_mbyowwHGBYSYO4oLnWFr2ioBqyAT2mzaQ9g4o0sJTQntAd9ho-m3gGcl4uCtKZtnoXLz4lgbg_ve6-_G4_xJr3GtKU91xvUB0Gh1cWaYpxz0XOT_bbZM78/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">While Guile and his team plan for an assault against Bison, Chun Li and her gang are easily taken into custody. I’m assuming its because they didn’t go over the “escape route thing” when planning out their evening. This movies has some huge friggin’ issues folks. Anyhow they put Balrog and Honda in an easily escapable situation while more nonsense happens with Ryu and Ken. They actually obtain their familiar uniforms from the game thanks to Zangief who introduces them to Bison’s training facility. At this point they come full circle on the “bad guys” turned “good guys” thing.<br /><br />Meanwhile in Guile’s camp, he is told by the head of the AN that the assault is off because they want to bargain with Bison. Guile goes into half assed Patton mode and makes a lackluster speech to his troops about kicking the “son-IFA-bitch’s” ass. I reviewed it a few times and yes, that’s the way he says it. His troops, who apparently don’t like the idea of going home to their families, all rally around Guile.<br /><br />Back with Bison who is chatting it up with his prisoner Chun Li who also has dressed up in her game garb. She tells him of how he killed her father finally drawing a desperate link to the in-game character’s story. Chun Li then goes on to break her hand restraints and kick Bison around the room for a bit. Balrog and Honda, who escape with Ryu and Ken, arrive but Bison escapes to a personal chamber and gasses the room.<br /><br />While Guile leads his assault and daydreams of Charlie in a rather gay manner, Dr. Dhalsim decides to help Charlie out a bit. He changes the images he is witnessing to positive ones such as birds, marriages and girl on girl films. Ok, maybe not the last one but I’d hope so for Charlie’s sake. Back to Guile who switches his boat to stealth mode. For some reason , some times it showed up on screen and other times it didn’t. I mean was this thing supposed to disappear or not? It doesn’t matter because Bison destroys it with his defenses anyhow. Side note, his controls for his defense mechanism seem to be the controls for the actual SF video game.<br /><br />Back to Dwalsim who’s reprogramming shenanigans are found out by the guard. The two scuffle and conveniently open up Charlie’s chamber which makes Blanka appear. Unbelievable idiocy…anyhow, Blanka disposes of the guard rather quickly. Cut to a few inept guards on the bank of the river. Guile, Hawk and Cammy appear to assault them. During the assault Cammy yells out “thrust kick” giving yet another very minor nod to the in-game character.<br /><br />While time runs out on the hostages, Guile and company find a secret entrance into Bison’s complex. Why, well I guess secret entrances come standard for evil lairs in moronic movies like this one. Guile comes up into the room where Charlie was transformed. After poking around a bit, he comes face to face with Blanka. For some reason he recognizes him past the awful special effects makeup and reminds Charlie of their friendship. Guile almost does a mercy killing but Dwalsim stops him.<br /><br />Guile hops into Charlie’s old chamber which is summoned by Bison to kill the hostages. However, Guile surprises Bison with a gravity defying kick to the chest. This gives way to a gunfight and explosion fest between Guile’s team and Bison’s soldiers who have the accuracy of a drunk Stormtrooper. A few fist fights break out for those who apparently didn’t know how to pick up weapons. One in particular is Honda vs. Zangief that’s lasts for a bit. Another is Ken and Ryu vs. Sagat and Vega.<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu5iXWSeQp-E5aCw9dHCKtJDZAUNVFzs1bzNHmiZyAxNM7Zn0MjYaV7jVsloulo677GXH_X8i9pwCXZgMCV47iLmh5bagUXVbO7HZX2uKgFTVARLAVKzkYKTa_Vq4l7r6c21ivDSD3g0/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332869774627592018" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu5iXWSeQp-E5aCw9dHCKtJDZAUNVFzs1bzNHmiZyAxNM7Zn0MjYaV7jVsloulo677GXH_X8i9pwCXZgMCV47iLmh5bagUXVbO7HZX2uKgFTVARLAVKzkYKTa_Vq4l7r6c21ivDSD3g0/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></span></div></div></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimr5zQscVzb-52HIm2rHhbUOgFu3qMAm_j0wzOTUwkXKrJOcMv5JUwQcKANvJ0_t94zBMETIt7FofZYQ-d-4EZlvYGXtfQw_EU2r3_Z1diqeQMeHYAExM5xc2NwfuYO4thd-3QTwMru8I/s1600-h/streetfighter4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332869568952685570" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 167px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimr5zQscVzb-52HIm2rHhbUOgFu3qMAm_j0wzOTUwkXKrJOcMv5JUwQcKANvJ0_t94zBMETIt7FofZYQ-d-4EZlvYGXtfQw_EU2r3_Z1diqeQMeHYAExM5xc2NwfuYO4thd-3QTwMru8I/s320/streetfighter4.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Insert 25 cents to stop<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu5iXWSeQp-E5aCw9dHCKtJDZAUNVFzs1bzNHmiZyAxNM7Zn0MjYaV7jVsloulo677GXH_X8i9pwCXZgMCV47iLmh5bagUXVbO7HZX2uKgFTVARLAVKzkYKTa_Vq4l7r6c21ivDSD3g0/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332869774627592018" style="width: 325px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDu5iXWSeQp-E5aCw9dHCKtJDZAUNVFzs1bzNHmiZyAxNM7Zn0MjYaV7jVsloulo677GXH_X8i9pwCXZgMCV47iLmh5bagUXVbO7HZX2uKgFTVARLAVKzkYKTa_Vq4l7r6c21ivDSD3g0/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Guile finally comes face to face with Bison and the two kick off their fist fight. The fighting goes on for a bit and Guile actually takes out Bison. Then in a bit of plot stupidity, Bison’s suit becomes electromagnetic thanks to the volt of electricity in his built in life support system. This enables him float and use Force lightning. At this point I was forgiving a lot just to get to the end of the film. A few kicks and bad clichés later, Guile takes out Bison for good.<br /><br />Before Guile leaves he runs into Dwalsim who dons his familiar shaved baled in-game appearance. I’m assuming the stress from the script made his hair fall out or something. Anyhow, Dwalsim stays with Blanka inside the building which explodes. This completely makes no sense because a few paragraphs ago Dwalsim stops Guile from a quick and easy mercy killing. Yeah why not pick a death that could involve being crushed to death or even better, have you trapped for days so you can starve to death.<br /><br />Well anyhow, with just about everyone rescued and evacuated the good guys, joined by Zangief who decided to be nice last minute, and they have a “Guile is dead” moment. However, of course he arrives and all is well and happy. While Bison’s complex crumbles, everyone does their victory stance from the game. Cute, but a little too late for this movie to save face.<br /><br />Sigh where to begin. I guess I should first point out who directed/wrote this film. That would be Steven E. de Souza who was involved writing screenplays for many great tongue in cheek action flicks like Commando, The Running Man and Die Hard. He took on the director’s chair and wrote the film with SF. What we ended up with was the goofiness of Hudson Hawk (another arguably low point in de Souza’s career) mixed with the action of Commando minus the heart. In other words, he kind of fell flat on his face when it came to SF and the critics panned this thing to hell from the get go. Now, years later I’m doing the same. Luckily de Souza’s brilliance in other films behind the scenes helps me forgive him for this film.<br /><br />Moving onto the film itself, its more than obvious from my comments throughout the review that the characters were awful. Its almost as if they had a generic action film written and had a five minute meeting before the film to discuss how they would work in the in-game characters into it. Once again you have to figure interest in this film would be mainly for fans of the game itself. Of course I can understand how they wanted to open up the target audience but the story itself is too weak to do so. I need a thousand fingers to count how many awful “evil dictator vs. good guy team” movies exist already. Why add another one onto the bargain heap if it’s as generic as this one.<br /><br />The film desperately tries to squeeze in-game references a day late and buck short later. At certain points the characters do some of their “signature” moves such as Guile’s flash kick, E. Honda’s hundred hand slap, Ken’s Shroyuken, and Ryu who inexplicably pulls a Hadouken out in his fight against Vega. However, oh so much is left out…stuff I would have loved to see. Stuff like Zangief’s spinning piled river or Chun Li’s spinning bird kick or Dhalsim‘s yoga fire. Most of all, I would have liked to seen Blanka’s electricity harness.<br /><br />I could go on forever about SF’s lack of moves but the problem here is these moves are hardly accomplishable in the real world. This aspect is key because this is where the film truly fails to capture any magic of the game. SF the movie is based in a somewhat real life situation. For SF to work, it should have bended reality a bit more. For example, keep the film’s plot revolving around an actual tournament where people with special abilities fight. Once again, think of the first Mortal Kombat that dropped all the rules of the real world and gave us some fun visuals mixed with cool fight scenes. SF drops the ball and tries to hard way too late to accomplish what fans wanted.<br /><br />Which brings me to this; the film is loaded with WTF moments for non-fans of the game. For example at the end when all the characters magically end up looking like their in-game counterpart. Why at that point do that? You have Balrog putting on boxing garb during the big battle, Dwalsim magically shaving his head and Cammy wearing long pigtails into battle. Its all just a mishmash of silliness that makes the film simply fail in a big way.<br /><br />Now…moving onto the little good with this film I could find. If there is one gigantic and inspiring beacon of light in this film it is Raul Julia. Julia, who in my opinion shined in camp roles like this one, was given a generic role and he made shine like diamonds. This was one of his last roles before his death and his performance is an honest testament to the late actor’s skill and professionalism. I will say too that the film does have a lot of great “that guy” actors in it and they do their best with the script. Van Damme however seems to be thrust into the limelight constantly and I simply couldn’t stomach him in this role. The role was way too over the top and his accent nearly killed me.<br /><br />Staying with the positive though, I did find myself randomly chuckling at the jokes which I knew were meant to be lame. For example, a bunch of Asian soldiers tune into E. Honda and Zangief’s fight over a monitor. As they fight in a small model city, the sounds of Kaiju are in the background. Its this kind of stuff that I found keeping a much needed smile on my face at times.<br /><br />SF still went on to make a decent amount of money world wide at the box office and has become a cult favorite in our counter film culture. I have it on my shelf and have no intentions to get rid of it no matter how much I’ve ragged on it. It is after all a video game movie and not necessarily the worst one ever. However, it could have been much more for gamers and non-gamers alike.<br /><br />Well its time for us to turn off the game system but there are other pixilated based movie adventures out there. So quit blowing into your computer to get it to work and check out some more reviews by clicking the banner below. Better enter the invincibility code first though…just in case…<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.sideorderofninjas.com/videogame.html"><img style="width: 450px; cursor: pointer; height: 94px;" alt="" src="http://www.sideorderofninjas.com/images/vgrbannersmall.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZqKhvJjZqbRZ95St8HMrzZrMKUeW4SJ1AmUVC-LjNnRpmVsPkpcvLAxLio5Bnizbv1DOQc2Z1zbX46zHJHByjk_Qz7QgZ7zwNkiAjNo_njLITNPOoz_x2bIqsF42tIFhglU5rYuhHho/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332871134247852850" style="width: 226px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZqKhvJjZqbRZ95St8HMrzZrMKUeW4SJ1AmUVC-LjNnRpmVsPkpcvLAxLio5Bnizbv1DOQc2Z1zbX46zHJHByjk_Qz7QgZ7zwNkiAjNo_njLITNPOoz_x2bIqsF42tIFhglU5rYuhHho/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:100%;" >You're A Grand Old A-Hole</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />(the a-holes of the film get their moment)<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">M. Bison</span><br /></span></div></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm21k5J5VL0bCe4aPx97FgR56EyDE1PY5FrmL6FBp8fulphvvYw4VltaVH6uT0Ypz4QJtjTNKaKUaYMpFixjyjeZELKYs0wtjg7APW-FhB8NFTk9eXlpeEbHxruEAZ3xQHFxa6esdBYy0/s1600-h/streetfighter3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332871646876899154" style="width: 320px; cursor: pointer; height: 237px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm21k5J5VL0bCe4aPx97FgR56EyDE1PY5FrmL6FBp8fulphvvYw4VltaVH6uT0Ypz4QJtjTNKaKUaYMpFixjyjeZELKYs0wtjg7APW-FhB8NFTk9eXlpeEbHxruEAZ3xQHFxa6esdBYy0/s320/streetfighter3.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /></span></div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">M. Bison is a fellow hell bent on getting the money he needs by any means necessary. I would too if I had to pay the electric bill for 1000 television sets in my evil lair.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZqKhvJjZqbRZ95St8HMrzZrMKUeW4SJ1AmUVC-LjNnRpmVsPkpcvLAxLio5Bnizbv1DOQc2Z1zbX46zHJHByjk_Qz7QgZ7zwNkiAjNo_njLITNPOoz_x2bIqsF42tIFhglU5rYuhHho/s1600-h/short_black.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332871134247852850" style="width: 226px; cursor: pointer; height: 11px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivZqKhvJjZqbRZ95St8HMrzZrMKUeW4SJ1AmUVC-LjNnRpmVsPkpcvLAxLio5Bnizbv1DOQc2Z1zbX46zHJHByjk_Qz7QgZ7zwNkiAjNo_njLITNPOoz_x2bIqsF42tIFhglU5rYuhHho/s320/short_black.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-size:100%;" >OVERALL GRADE</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEBKXCeyFhWn43dHctV3biJwt-ZDawnZiIK3P_3gEuaZHQZw75Tb7HLHdZM-_uBSctTCBrTzzvV-ZXIkUkRCOa3f6B8_v-K7nVKpot2mOu43Na4cGDHdyOZb8hrKHSepw2S1x-DYTukuA/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332872929568516866" style="width: 32px; cursor: pointer; height: 32px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEBKXCeyFhWn43dHctV3biJwt-ZDawnZiIK3P_3gEuaZHQZw75Tb7HLHdZM-_uBSctTCBrTzzvV-ZXIkUkRCOa3f6B8_v-K7nVKpot2mOu43Na4cGDHdyOZb8hrKHSepw2S1x-DYTukuA/s320/skullrating.jpg" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEBKXCeyFhWn43dHctV3biJwt-ZDawnZiIK3P_3gEuaZHQZw75Tb7HLHdZM-_uBSctTCBrTzzvV-ZXIkUkRCOa3f6B8_v-K7nVKpot2mOu43Na4cGDHdyOZb8hrKHSepw2S1x-DYTukuA/s1600-h/skullrating.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332872929568516866" style="width: 32px; cursor: pointer; height: 32px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEBKXCeyFhWn43dHctV3biJwt-ZDawnZiIK3P_3gEuaZHQZw75Tb7HLHdZM-_uBSctTCBrTzzvV-ZXIkUkRCOa3f6B8_v-K7nVKpot2mOu43Na4cGDHdyOZb8hrKHSepw2S1x-DYTukuA/s320/skullrating.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDEVycH6fcYvw0VrYX3cNQ9Gvyckwebjw4hJpyuvbmkcYSLBZ63XVA7F2os2z5emW0lg6bkaMfB27F3DWn-aO3JGvSM3dUsYv3LmB-rkATu9k8ELxpuVvpWPVDnNToO69WZZop9tkRh0/s1600-h/short_black1.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 17px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDEVycH6fcYvw0VrYX3cNQ9Gvyckwebjw4hJpyuvbmkcYSLBZ63XVA7F2os2z5emW0lg6bkaMfB27F3DWn-aO3JGvSM3dUsYv3LmB-rkATu9k8ELxpuVvpWPVDnNToO69WZZop9tkRh0/s320/short_black1.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334381178520678178" border="0" /></a></span></div></div><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size:100%;">All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.</span></div></div>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4161331302529282341.post-21575759976432565102009-07-31T18:17:00.000-07:002012-01-07T17:23:04.209-08:00Review Archive By Title<a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2011/02/best-worst-movie-capsule-review-troll-2.html">Best Worst Movie/Troll 2</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/08/casper-van-dien-gets-unwrapped_29.html">Curse Of King Tut's Tomb</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/09/pinocchio-has-some-major-wood.html">Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio</a><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/11/herc-smash.html"><br />Hercules</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2011/02/human-centipede-first-sequence-reviewed.html">Human Centipede (First Sequence) </a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2012/01/immortalizer.html">Immortalizer, The </a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2010/05/mesa-of-lost-women-review-by-darksider.html">Mesa Of Lost Women</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/11/hungry-like-shapeshifter.html">New Moon</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2011/06/santa-claus-reviewed-by-darksider-7611.html">Santa Claus</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/10/bigfootbig-deal.html">Sasquatch, The Legend Of Bigfoot</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2010/02/shark-attack-reviewed-by-darksider.html">Shark Attack</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2011/02/signs-reviewed-by-darksider.html">Signs</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/12/little-sin_31.html">Sinful Dwarf</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/07/darksiders-realm-review-of-street.html">Street Fighter The Movie</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/06/review-for-night-before-christmas-1974.html">Twas The Night Before Christmas</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2011/10/trick-or-treat-25th-anniversay-tribute.html">Trick Or Treat </a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/10/caveman-dearest.html">Trog</a><br /><a href="http://darksidersrealm.blogspot.com/2009/10/plot-as-loving-husband-i-find-myself.html">Twilight</a>DarkSider's Realmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17605770185035480556noreply@blogger.com0