Sunday, November 8, 2009

Lost In Cartoon Translation

Kids today…that’s all I have to say. Where I never thought I’d sound like the stereotypical old man who shakes his cane at the youngsters, I have accepted that it had always been my destiny to end up that way. Seriously, the sh*t we had to do back in the day is something today’s young ones don’t have a worry in the world about. For example, if you wanted porn back in my day, you had to;

1.) Stand, like a pervert, in front of the magazine rack at the local newsstand.

2.) Flip, like a pervert, through countless issues to find one that will “work for you”.

3.) Walk, like a pervert, to the counter holding your new spank material.

4.) Smile, like a pervert, while the cashier rings your order out.

5.) Go home and enjoy a little alone time while trying to figure out where you were going to hide the magazine when you were “done”…like a pervert.

Well, you get the point. But this article is not in fact about porn. Rather, its about how real life action movies today can do just about anything. Worlds and things we thought we would never see are now thrown together with reckless abandonment. Granted the end result usually isn’t all that wonderful, but the idea that you could bring things like The Transformers to life in a real life setting is rather cool. No matter how many shaky camera angles they throw at you (damn you Michael Bay ).

However, Hollywood has kind of dipped a bit too much into 80s cartoon’s good cartoons for live action bits. Where can one look for new material once Transformers has run their gambit? What is there to do when the GI Joe movies bring in Serpentor and fall on their ass like they did in the cartoon? (You know that will happen by the way) Well that’s where the purpose of this article comes in. Here are some ideas I have about how to transform some other cartoons from days past into something live action. Figuring most of the already produced cartoon movies have pretty much abandoned much of the original influence’s idea, I am going to also.

The Snorks
I figure that instead of having cutesy underwater critters with penises on their head, why not make them terrorizing. Perhaps have them at first a peaceful people until they are pushed to the breaking point when a load of excrement from a passing cruise ship lands on their little colony. They can invade said cruise ship and start knocking off the patrons one by one. Perhaps have a late night skinny dipping scene during a port-a-call in Mexico with several buxom coeds. Instead of finding a peaceful fish community underwater…dun dun dah…Snorks. After most people get Snorked to death, some brainac discovers that eliminating water on the boat is the key to defeating them. Sure yes, it may take a lot of them to kill a fully grown human but it worked for Critters, Ghoulies and Gremlins didn’t it?

Indeed the plot line of this film can kind of write itself. You have an everyday girl who is hiding a secret from the common public. She is really a pop music star with tons of adoring fans. To become her rock star persona, she undergoes a transformation that involved caked on makeup and a blonde wig. Oh sh*t, that’s the plot line for that wretched Hannah Montana movie minus Synergy and 99% of Jem‘s talent. Sorry folks, we’ll just have to go on to our next selection.

Rainbow Brite
Life isn’t all rainbows for this main character. Oh no indeed. After living a tough life on the streets for most of her teenage years, Miss Brite befriends a young puppy in the wooded far edges of town. She leads this puppy into the urban wasteland only to have it shot by a few hoodlums. During the tear jerking burial scene, she is bestowed by the puppy’s spirit the almighty rainbow power. And guess what that means for her urban tormentors…a whole lotta sparkly death folks. She stitches together a rather skimpy rainbow outfit, loads her rainbow cannons and heads out for her revenge. The epic ending proves that there is never a pot at the end of the rainbow…rather a whole lotta death.

Looney Toons
Yes I know they did the whole Space Jam thing but to me, that doesn’t count. We need an in depth look on some CGI based characters in real life America. In a big screen documentary (think post 2000 Michael Moore but a bit more on the serious side) we find out what happens when cartoon behavior passes the threshold of real life. The film would feature some of the following and a whole lot more;

1.) Pepe Le Pew being arrested for sexual harassment against painted cats.
2.) Bugs Bunny on Springer for his transvestite issues.
3.) Wile Coyote filing a grievance with the workers union against Sam The Sheepdog.
4.) Yosemite Sam being forced into anger management therapy.
5.) Elmer Fudd being harassed by PETA.
6.) Pokry Pig on prescription drugs for his stuttering problem.
7.) Speedy Gonzales being picked up by border patrol.
8.) Marvin The Martian, after reading this blog entry, realizing earth just isn’t worth the trouble.

To be continued...eventually...

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