Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Sleazy Musical Contradictions Episode 1

Have you ever noticed how some bands are all soft and mushy about love at one moment? Then the next moment they're talking about naughty relationships...
Yeah...we've noticed too.

The Dark Circus welcomes you to the first edition of...

Band: Atlantic Starr
Song #1, Secret Lovers:
With a smooth sound and the word “lovers” in the title, one wouldn’t naturally realize what the people in the song are talking about. Here we have a man and woman in a relationship and a passionate one at that. You see, these two happen to be married in a “happy home” but of course they don’t want to f*ck that up. Oh and I forgot to mention the “relationship” they are in is apparently outside their respective marriages. Sh*t, I knew it was too good to be true.

Seriously, these two have to be some of the biggest A-holes on the planet. First they have the nerve to talk about this issue being “so wrong” but yet it is “so right”. That and they think this illicit affair is about love and not dirty, ass slapping sex. Plus, during one of their interludes they mention being nervous about it being “way after 9”. Of course this is while doing the nasty. How does one exactly cover for that with their respective spouse? “Oh hi honey, I was at Kmart for the last 5 hours buying lamp shades and couldn’t find the isle in the store…” If you’re that ballsy, why bother worrying? Either your spouse doesn’t care or hasn’t figured it out yet.

Song # 2, Always:
In a major turn around, Atlantic Starr gives us this ballad for the ages about love. Except this time the love is true, flawless and uncorrupted. The song serves as a half @ssed dummy guide for people writing their wedding vows. Matter of fact I’d put money on it being ripped off by half the people married over the past two decades. The lyrics are cheese filled and speak of love being “sent from up above” and going out to “make a family” to bring them happiness “always”. In other words, if you’re a diabetic stay away from this song because it may just kill you.

So I guess the question prompted is are these two completely different people or did the people from Secret Lovers decide to finally man up and elope. Did the so “wrong” end up officially being only “so right”? I mean it’s the same voices and its so hard for me to listen to this without thinking of the people in the first song mentioned. I mean, with these Atlantic Starr songs you literally have the devil in one ear and in the other is the angel. Personally, I’m going to opt for Secret Lovers in the reality department simply because today’s society is more apt to do things that will ruin something.

Circus’s input:
Ah, the seedy side of pop music. I agree that it seems to be the choice between decency and goodness and the temptation of lust and sin. What makes it so appallingly hypocritical is that this is a pop/RnB group. If this was some sleazy rock n’ roll band then okay, I could understand – The first song would represent the true nature of the band and their lifestyle choices, where as the sappy love ballad would be done under orders of the record label to make virginal babysitters part with their hard earned brat bucks. But again, this is an RnB group specifically aiming to sell records in the charts, possibly to bored housewives at home washing the dishes with the radio on (toying with the idea of a steamy affair?). “Secret Lovers” isn’t the most wholesome message to be putting out there is it? “Cause if we’re found out, it could mess up both our happy homes” – Well, clearly it ain’t that much of a happy home if you’re f**kin’ playing away! Then in “Always” the lyric that got me was: “I dedicate my life to you always” HA! Now, most sane men and women would have issues trusting someone who wrote such contrasting songs I bet! But, at the end of the day it’s all clearly soulless pop pap for the masses and Atlantic $tarr don’t really give a s**t…

: Vinnie Vincent Invasion
Song #1: Ecstasy:
Here’s a lovely 80s ballad by Vinnie Vincent about true love. It’s about a guy whose feelings for a woman are so undeniably great, she’s the only one for him – “You are the only one my heart is beating for/And somewhere out there I know you're waiting for me” - and when they are together they feel it will last forever. “In ecstasy we'll always be fallin' forever”. Aww! From the soft acoustic intro and Mark Slaughter’s soothing vocal, the song builds into a huge emotional, touchy-feely anthem conjuring up visions of walking along the beach at sunset and candlelit romantic dinners. It all comes across extremely heartfelt if a tad cheesy, buy if you’ve ever experienced that excitement and passion at the start of a relationship you’ll be able to relate to it.

Song #2 Heavy Pettin’:
Now, you know right away from that title what the subject matter of this track will be about. “Erotic kind of candy she melts in your mouth/every young boy's dream she's miss everything." Boy, looks like Vinnie found a new squeeze? Oh, how love was fleeting back in the 80s, what do girls expect when the fall in love with a hot-shot, heavy metal shred god? It was a different chick every night, in every town – no time for love in the 80s. Vinnie Vincent was too fast for love….

This chick is a lot different from the other girl “Ooh, she'll lick your wounds and swallow your pride”, that sounds like a slut to me, no good will come of a long lasting relationship here. “She gives the right amount of pleasure, she blisters my love zone” – Ouch! This chick’s given Vinnie crabs! She’s a definite backstage bimbo.
There does seem to be love here, supposedly, but to me it’s all misguided cheap lust. “Her love is sheer perfection only one of a kind/She's the ultimate connection she'll blow your mind/In every joy of heaven that she brings”. That’s just damn good sex, plain and simple. Vinnie needs to make up his mind about what he really wants – a girl to share the rest of his life with, or a slutty hairspray harlot for the odd bump and grind? I know what I’d go for…..

DarkSider’s input:
Ah Mr. Vincent, I have to admit when I hear the word “ecstasy” I think smut. Matter of fact the word “ecstasy” would be a killer name for a strip club. I’m pretty damned sure its been used before for that purpose. With that said, you’d figure a song with the title “ecstasy” would be the soundtrack of lovely ladies in thongs wrapping themselves around poles. Sadly listening to it, one pictures the ending of a romantic comedy movie with the two meant to be lovers frolicking on the beach at the end. The scene in the movie then fades to black, the credits roll and this serves as the backing track. Women leave the theater wiping their eyes and their boyfriends lament over not seeing the action film on screen over. So in this case, “ecstasy” may not have been the best choice of titles.

Now as for Heavy Pettin’, the book can be judged by the cover. Well unless of course you were expecting the song to be about taking care of someone’s pet collie for the weekend. There are no bones about the girl he is talking about in this song. If this girl is in fact one to “lick your wounds” she is more than likely the one that caused them in the first place. In other words, if your privates are itchy after this endeavor you’d better check in at the clinic. So perhaps this girl is going to be the one he’ll have to reveal to his true love in the song “Ecstasy”. I sure wouldn’t want to be around when the sharp objects start flying at him.

: Warrant
Song # 1 Heaven:
The master of silly looking synchronized head banging bring us this little ditty about an epic love that dates back to black and white photos apparently. Jani Lane blabbers on about this photo until we get past the first chorus. Then we jump into the current time where he kisses the girl’s @ss about her physical apperance with lines straight out of a greeting card. We hear about the “sparkle” in this gal’s eyes and how great it is to feel her breathe. (Well, that’s better than sex with a corpse I say.) Insert chorus again where Lane promises her that “heaven isn’t too far away” and that “we’ll find a way”. The song proceeds to wrap up with Lane along the “boulevard” with nowhere really to go. I’m not sure what brought him to that state. Perhaps a fight with his true love? Maybe she got sick of his whiny vocals? None the less, Lane tells us that he’s never giving up on her. He will find Heaven damn it all…no matter how far away it is.

Song #2 Cherry Pie :
Lane and the boys jump from “Heaven” to hellacious in this song which makes many people my age recall drooling over Bobbie Brown in cuts offs. The gal in this song isn’t out to hear sensitive lyrics about old photographs. Nor does she give a sh*t about having Lane wrap his arms around her at night. She just wants to f*ck like a rabbit who just took a Spanish fly. Seriously, according to the lyrics they “swing” or for use of a better term “f*ck” EVERYWHERE. He nails her in the living room, in the back seat of his car and even on the front f* cking lawn. And you thought your neighbors were odd man. Not only that, but this chick takes naughtiness to a whole new level. She licks his “batter” of his “beater” as he screams for her while crying apparently. Sh*t man, I would too. This girl is a serious nymphomaniac who honestly can’t stop putting out. Well all up until her daddy demands the stop of the swinging. I’m guessing thats because she’s probably into incest as well. Hey, she does everything else so why not?

Circus's input:
I do love Warrant, but these two songs side by side must surely go down as one of the biggest double standards of all time. Both “Heaven” and “Cherry” Pie” were Warrant’s two biggest hits, the latter being the one they are most associated with –although it has been somewhat of a poisoned chalice for the band. “”Heaven” the sappy yet soaring ballad about the dude who’s gonna be “Superman to this little girl” is swiftly followed up by “Cherry Pie”, the stripper anthem for the ages and one of the most blatantly sexist songs period. Cherry Pie literally translates to – Virgin Vagina. It makes you question in what way Jani Lane is actually gonna be “Superman” to that “little girl” (insert bad child molestation joke)? We can kind of let these leather wearin’ wailers off though, as I’ve heard that Jani didn’t actually write “Heaven” and the other story is, “Cherry Pie” wasn’t supposed to be on the second record and was knocked up in 15mins due to label pressure. Anyway, all this talk of pie is making me hungry...

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