Sunday, June 26, 2011

Santa Claus Reviewed By The DarkSider 7/6/11

The Plot: Christmas In July truly began as a labor of love many, many moons ago for yours truly. I'm not sure if its those obnoxious yet laughable TV commercials for the local electronic stores or simply the irony of having an Xmas celebration during the hottest month of the year but I always loved the idea. Due to life changes (I recently hit menopause) I wasn't able to get around to it last year. However, I figured I should make it up by reviewing one of the most ridiculous Xmas movies ever to have been churned out of the sugary genre. In other words, the film I'm about to take on is going to look worse than that beef log you've had in your freezer that you still haven't had the bravery to eat.

Our film begins with the jolly old elf himself adjusting his manger scene proving that Santa is in fact of Christian persuasion. Who knew? Apparently his homeland is situated several miles above ground in the North Pole. I'm not sure why but that kind of worked for me. It seems like an easy excuse to get your kids to stop asking questions about if someone has actually found Santa's pad. Anyhow, right away one will notice that Santa's traditional boisterous "ho ho ho" has been replaced by a rather menacing sounding chuckle. Although this is disturbing, it will be the least of the film's problems in the long run.

Santa realizes (with a reaction one might have after realizing they left the water running) that Christmas is not far away. He goes to his organ o' fun to check on his toy making help. Brace yourself folks for this stupidity. There are in fact no elves, rather a bunch of children delegates from different countries. And sadly, they cover each one in a painful time killing sequence. We start first with the child delegates from Africa who are banging on drums while sporting warpaint. What is that you say? The DarkSider is making a tasteless racist joke? Nope, watch the movie...its true. This bounces around from country to country with Santa adjusting the music each time a new location is featured. Each country's kids sing a song of some sort, most with the enthusiasm of a drunken slug. Regardless of how annoying this sequence is, I'm actually more petrified that Santa exploits child labor.

Once the above nonsense is over, we cut to the underworld where demons are having a dance number. I guess this proves beyond the shadow of a doubt Broadway numbers are in fact evil. Lucifer puts a stop to the malarkey and sends his demon henchman Pitch out to stop Christmas. Why, well he's sick of people being happy and he wants kids to do evil things. You know, because all children are innocent and never create trouble.

Cut to the most heinous of animatronic Santas chuckling away in a shopping store window. Seriously, if you put this thing on your doorstep you are guaranteed to scare off those annoying carolers. Anyhow, kids of all sorts are hanging out gazing at the toys on display. We learn of a good little boy named Billy who has a rich father and is bound to get what he wants for Christmas. Then we learn of a little girl named Lupita who yearns for a doll but can't have one because she is poor. Then the little bastards comes in who want to cause trouble. You know they're bad news because two are wearing those trouble making caps kids will often wear in these type of moronic films. Pitch arrives to whisper bad things into their ears that they should do. He uses his almighty powers to produce three rocks (friggin' stupid) which they hurl at the store's window.

Lupita's Uncle Pedro didn't always
have the best sense when it came to
entertaining children.

Anyhow, one of the stones hits the scary Santa which actually has an effect on the real Santa. I'll have to try that out, next time I see a Santa statue I'm so kicking it in the balls. Santa then decides to check out the kids on his creepy ass espionage equipment. I could go into detail about the equipment but words simply won't give it justice. I will say the thing attached to the telescope reminded me of that odd thing that talked to C3PO in ROTJ at Jabba's palace. Anyhow, Santa has his child laborers check up on Lupita who is in the marketplace with her mother. Pitch tries to convince her to steal a doll but she opts against it because she's all nice and stuff.

They then tune in to Billy who is actually asleep. Through a dream reading device they see he is dreaming of two big presents. Both being his parents because he yearns for their love. All I know is I would have been creeped out as a kid if my parents wrapped themselves up for me. Isn't that illegal or something?

Back to Lupita who is in dream world. Pitch arrives at the house to blow (literally) a nightmare into Lupita's head. I started to have sympathy here for the devil here if this is the accumulation of his powers. Cue up a creepy dance number in which Lupita is surrounded by life-sized dolls all trying to convince her to steal. Lupita being the goody good two shoes she is still resists the power of the dark side. Santa, who is rather annoyed with Pitch, wraps things up by checking on the three bad boys who are doing bad things. He sends a warning to them to not f*ck with him...well in so many words anyhow.

Well if you're worried about Pitch's antics (which you're probably not) don't worry. The film seems to get away from the I guess you can call it..."plot" for a bit. Santa receives his mail directly from the post office in seconds. I guess he must have hooked the postmaster up with some cool stuff growing up or something. He sorts a few of them in to "True" and "False" categories amongst others.

"Mmmmm yeah, those are some nice lips
you have there, how'd you like my yule log
in ther...oh...uh...hi children, how long
have you been standing there?"

We go on to learn that Merlin is in fact on the yuletide payroll. Apparently Santa pops in once a year for a few things. I guess Santa isn't a bad guy to work for, well unless you're a child. Anyhow, Merlin hooks up Santa with some dream dust that brings about joy on Xmas Eve while people are sleeping. I used to get "joy" while sleeping in my teenage years but it was pretty much any time of the year. Granted it was messy when I woke up but it was worth while. Merlin also gives Santa a magical flower which makes him disappear at will. Santa leaves him to his chemical warfare and Santa goes to visit Vulcano his locksmith of sorts. He hooks him up with the golden key that allows him into every household.

After a bit of stomach trimming via a vintage tummy toner, Santa heads off to his slay which looks like it was stolen from the local department store 's Xmas display. After loading up the sleigh, Santa winds up his reindeer since they are just gigantic toys. Man, the north pole sure is ghetto. Santa heads off into the night with the first stop being Mexico City. Silly roadrunner and coyote-like malarkey ensues between Pitch and Santa. Of course Santa outwits him most of the time because, you know, Pitch is an idiot.

Santa stops off at Billy's house who whines about if anybody loves him. We ll Santa gets on this right away and serves Billy's neglectful parents a laced cocktail. Through this they remember they should be home with Billy and not boozing it up at the local hot spot. That's right kids, your parents need to get cocked on special cocktails to realize they love you. Anyhow, they head back home to see Billy for a happy reunion. By the way, I'm assuming child protective services is a bit lacking in Billy's neck of the woods.

Soon we join up with the three bad kids who are planning to kidnap Santa and force him into slavery. Jesus H, who the hell is raising this kids...wolves? Pitch is there once again egging them on to form a capture plan. But they don't get far because Santa uses a flash grenade of sorts to distract them. Pitch, foiled once again, tries to get even with Santa at the next house. He uses a pair of scissors to cut Santa's magic bag thus spilling the sleeping power and flower of invisibility.

Santa gets to the next house and realizes a day and a buck short too late that he is without his magical weapons. A dog chase him up into a tree and Santa goes into panic mode. Like a whiny b!tch Santa pleads toward Merlin in the North Pole. Pitch arrives to frig around with him waking up the house's inhabitants and having the authorities arrive. Through stupidity I won't bother measuring, Santa is able to escape the dog through a windup cat. Pitch gets hosed down by the fire dept thus ending his reign of terror. Yep...big plot climax there. Finally, the movie ends when Santa visiting Lupita who finally ends up getting her dolly.

Perhaps the most confusing aspect of this film is what to make of it. Looking at it as an adult I can plainly see how much cheese is in this film. It is that same feeling I get when I watch the 80s version of Babes In Toyland. However as a kid I honestly sort of like Babes In Toyland and to be honest wouldn’t mind showing it to my offspring. It has colorful characters, prop design and a story innocent enough (minus the “give him a lot of fun” nuptials) they could understand.

However, this film’s imagery to me is downright creepy and the story a bit disturbing. So lord of the underworld sends a demon to corrupt the mind of children. Meanwhile, Santa does virtually nothing to curb his evil ways. Yeah, that’s a bedtime story that will put sugarplums dancing in your head. Plus the religious overtones just don’t seem to fit in with a story about Santa. It kind of reminds me of this ornament an ex-coworker of mine used to take out during the holiday season. It was of Santa kneeling down at baby Jesus’ manger with his hat off. It never seemed to work with me seeing I’m not religious. That and I’ve always felt Santa should be kept separate from the religious aspect of Xmas.

Regardless of what you believe religion wise, this film is extremely odd and not in a good way. Plus it has a narrator who keeps butting in which of course is another example of the fine written rule of an awful film. I'll will however give credit where credit is due. The actors playing Pitch and Santa do ham it up making the film a bit fun in parts. However, the whole film just comes off as a gigantic bowl of creepiness. In other words, the jolly old elf himself really has a lot of explaining to do for this seasonal atrocity.

Matter of fact, lets find out what Santa Had To Say About This Movie...

"Ho, ho, ho! This film no es bueno! However I'm happy to announce Pitch and I buried the hatchet. I sold my soul to him in order to miniature singing version of me out in the stores by October! Open your wallet bitches!"

You're A Grand Old A-Hole
(the A-Holes of the film get their moment)


It creeps me out that this guy has been
blowing me into nightmares.

Three Bad Kids

Though they ended up with coal from Santa
at least they didn't suffer the fate of Santa's
child labor.


All Reviews Are Copyrights Of The Author. Reproduction of any review must be authorized by the copyright holder.All Titles, Images And Other Related Materials In The Review Are Being Used In Accordance With The Fair Use Law.

Child labor was not used in writing of this review...unlike some people in The North Pole.

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