Sunday, September 20, 2009

Pinocchio Has Some Major Wood

Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio (1971)
Reviewed By: The DarkSider 9/20/09

The Plot: As a reviewer of the tripe I often take on, I find there is something about a lengthy title that draws me in. While browsing online for items to rent, I often skip over the "good" one word movie titles and move right into the 3 word or more categories. Side note, I think that should be a search filter on these online renting sites. Seriously, just imagine logging on to your Netflix or Blockbuster account and using the "3 words or more in the title" filter. Tell me that wouldn't reek of awesomeness.

Which brings me to this film I'm about to take on. When I first saw the title's wordiness I was rather impressed. That and the obvious words "erotic" and "Pinocchio" together could only mean cinematic tripe gold. When it arrived, my wife said to me "Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio" in a "wtf" kind of tone. I just shrugged like I normally do and ran to the nearest DVD player.

This tale of horny life sized puppets and their masters begins with a buxom blond (who is later revealed as the fairy godmother) telling us the story of Gepetta who is the obvious female equivalent to the real story's Gepetto. Gepetta, another buxom blond, somehow can't get any hot male action which I did my damndest to buy into. So one day she lovingly crafts, with a little extra time spent in the crotch area, a life sized male puppet. For no apparent reason it can talk but when it comes to performing in bed, this piece of wood can't light a fire. Get ready for a lot of lame wood jokes in this review by the way.

So after an unsuccessful night of the horizontal tango, Pinocchio gets a visit from the fairy godmother (who's clothes keeping magically disappearing thanks to her wand) who grants him life as a human stud. Being a polite guy, he goes off to take Gepetta's virginity but is stopped by a local brothel owner named Jo Jo. Jo Jo talks him out of popping Gepetta for the moment by tempting him with his star whore Mabelle. Pinocchio is stopped by the fairy godmother who tells him to go get busy with Gepetta. Hmmmm... the life of a puppet is so tough isn't it? Well, Pinocchio decides for the moment he wants the FG and chases her around naked. Side note, I find the only time I can tolerate male nudity is when a guy is running. Its just really funny to me.

So after an extended bit of bouncy full frontal nudity, the FG puts a spell on Pinocchio that freezes him. She tells him that he needs to get all up in Gepetta or else. Pinocchio, who proves he's as dumb as a...well...block of wood, gets distracted by Jo Jo again. Jo Jo tells him he needs a little practice before he gets with Gepetta. Pinocchio get in plenty of practice much to the pleasure of the ladies in the whorehouse apparently. Jo Jo puts Pinocchio through a special test which has him taking on two lesbians. (Don't ask me, I didn't write this sh*t.) Pinocchio passes it with flying colors and Jo Jo sees money signs for the local female population.

What The DarkSider has to deal with
every single morning.

Pinocchio goes out and quite literally screws the neighborhood. Everywhere ladies are screaming while Jo Jo pockets cash. The FG decides to warn Pinocchio again about his actions and shows him in a vision what really [Issac Hayes Voice]making love [/Issac Hayes Voice] is all about. However, Pinocchio gets duped again by Jo Jo who convinces him to do a virtual f*ck-a-thon. After banging his way through several chicks live on stage, the FG puts a curse on Pinocchio. Basically, if he doesn't make love to Gepetta his unit will grow. Um...and this is a punishment how?

Well, the fairy godmother lets his tallywhacker grow to epic proportions. Pinocchio starts to have issues with it and can't seem to manage every day life. The FG arrives once again to verbally lash him right before he partakes in a massive orgy celebrating his ridiculously sized manhood. Pinocchio decides he has had too much attention at the whorehouse and bails to look for Gepetta. He finds her being assaulted by a group of baddies. However, with a mighty swing of his rod he takes them out. Now I've f*cking seen everything. He runs away from Gepetta but is later reunited with her. He awakes to find his main vein down to a normal size. The FG arrives to tell him he can now stay a normal man because he found love. Pinocchio and Gepetta run off to share love and whatever STDs Pinocchio picked up at Jo Jo's place. I'm assuming one of them was wood rot.

It goes without saying, the T & A factor is all over the place in this one. Due to the era of the film's production, the gals are all natural and curvy which I can honestly say is the way I like them. Of course this is just below a softcore endeavor so don't expect many full frontal scenes. I won't say this is a spank material film but one may get wood (all puns intended) watching it.

This film is tasteless, poorly produced/acted and downright lame with it's jokes. Yet...for some reason (I'm blaming my 16 year old mind) I found it mildly entertaining. How can one not when you take into account its a cheap cinematic version of a burlesque show. In other words, the filmmakers knew what they were making and didn't try to hide it in a bout of artsy film making. The action takes place between two location and as mentioned above, they throw enough T & A factor to distract you.

Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio won't go down as a thinking man's film. Rather just something you could possibly add to your guilty pleasures of cinema list. Perhaps put it right next to that cherished copy of D*ckman And Throbbin.


Jo Jo
Thanks to morons like Pinocchio
pimpin' is in fact easy.


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