Sunday, October 4, 2009

Bigfoot...Big Deal...

Sasquatch The Legend Of Bigfoot
Reviewed By: The DarkSider 10/4/2009

The Plot
: It seems cryptozoology is something people either enjoy hearing about or don't. On one side of the fence you have the folks who pretty much boycott the idea of undiscovered beings. Then there's the folks that think there is something more out there than the stuff you find in the pages of Ranger Rick. Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if the Loch Ness Monster was on the cover of Ranger Rick. You could have a bunch of cutesy features about it with adorable drawings around Nessie's head.

Well I digress. I have to admit I'm part of the population that is mildly interested in what 'monsters' could be out there. Granted we already have a wealth of odd look critters that have already been discovered. That and I constantly ask the question if say a crypto was found, would anyone really give a crap about it anymore? Well anyhow, people are always out to find the unknown and so is the group that head out in this film...and they do so very, very slowly.

We start off with some footage of common woodland animals. We see a wolf, a moose, a bear, a deer...all not doing much of anything. Before things starts to look like an episode of Nova, we get some first person views of something presumably large walking through the forest. The woodland creatures all start to run away (Christ, this film is insulting my intelligence already) while the large shadow of a creature looms over the local water source.

This is followed up rather quickly with some spoken dialog (now the plot is really screwed) about Bigfoot sightings all over the world. I wasn't really paying attention enough to deeply care but the jist is a group of researchers are planning to tag a Bigfoot in the British Columbia area. I'm sure that will go yeah. The narrator continues to go on and on until he introduces himself as Chuck Evans. He introduces his buddies Dr. Paul Martin, Hank Parshall, Josh Bigsby (who reminded me of the drunk guy in Blazing Saddles), Barney Snipe, and Techka Blackhawk (a "Native American" with a rather bad wig on), all in a way too much information fashion.

Finally shutting up with the dialog (for at least two minutes anyhow), Evans meets a Bob Vernon face to face. He is a skeptic reporter who apparently is not too happy to be on the expedition. Evans and his group head out on the trail while a rather lousy backing track plays. Just know that from here on out, the film is filled with lousy backing tracks and Evans's continuous dialog. In between we to more shots of animals including a badger vs wolf battle.

Yawn...anyhow the boys keep on riding and riding and riding and riding. They stop for a bite to eat and discuss their surroundings. Then they take up riding again then suddenly...dun dun dah...a mountain lion appears. After looking at the group innocently for 5 minutes, it decides to attack but ends up getting blasted for it's efforts. Evans laments they had to shoot it but gives an "oh well" type of speech to make everyone feel better. I have to admit I'm not quite sure how they pulled these scenes off but I hope the lion didn't have to actually die for the sake of this film.

That night at camp Bigsby spins a yarn about an event that happened years ago. A few miners were on their way back from the woods when they heard some ominous music playing. Well actually they heard something following them in the trees but the music does blast though in the film. That night, they were attacked by two Bigfoots (or is that Bigfeet). One busted through their cabin window while another chucked rocks at them from the cliff. Although this is supposed to be terrifying, all of this comes off as rather silly.

"Have you found a plot line yet?"

This scene gets followed up with more nature shenanigans , this time between a bear and a raccoon. The boys get back on the horses and ride another 10 minutes of the movie away. They come across a couple of grizzly bears wrestling which although gratuitous, gave me something of interest to watch for a few minutes. Moving on, the guys finally make it to the big river of the area where, as legend goes, is Sasquatch country. Dun dun dah. Before crossing though, the boys set up camp.

Later at night one of the boys tell another story about a few trappers in the woods. After a day of setting traps, they returned to find their camp destroyed and rather large footprints. The guys ended up firing a few shots at a large creature during the night which made it go away. However in the morning after collecting their traps, one trapper ended up dead with a broken neck. Apparently these Bigfoot were like ninja assassins or something.

After a bit of trouble crossing the river, the boys make it to the other side. They travel a bit more through deep forest all the while getting messed with by an unseen force. They eventually set up camp for the night and Vernon gets mauled by a grizzly who I’m personally presuming may have wanted to mate with him. Sadly he doesn't end up perishing.

A few nights later, the boys find themselves in the heart of Sasquatch territory. A few guys stand watch while the others sleep. Out of nowhere they hear the cry of a Sasquatch (which I'm assuming resembles blue whales in heat) and it throws the camp into panic. Things settle down a bit and the next morning the boys make a plaster cast of a giant footprint they find.

The group end up following the trail of Sasquatch and find some half knocked down trees. Apparently this is the way Sasquatch marks it's territory. Probably a good thing too because the smell of Bigfoot urine must be rather foul. Anyhow, the boys set up an electrical thinga-maggigar that will alert them to the creature's presence. This proves almost useful later that night when they are alerted to several creature's presences. What follows is kind of a cinematic cluster-f*ck. Shots are fired, Sasquatches attack, the guys dodge plastic bolders etc etc etc. The end result...the guys end up with jack sh*t. But, according to Evans, they will return one day. I personally won't be waiting.

Yes indeed this film is like watching a slug travel a mile. The soundtrack is like water torture and the acting is just horrid. However, I kept asking myself if this film is much different than shows like Monsterquest that we have nowadays. In a way it was a bit of precursor to what similar shows now give us weekly on cable. However this film pretty much minuses any of the entertainment factors out.

You have the retelling of Bigfoot sightings along with the reenactments, the beautiful scenery of the deep forest and most importantly...there's never any hard proof at the end of the story. Keep in mind though that I still tune in until the end waiting for something to happen. So in other words, I would be a hypocrite if I said I absolutely hated this film. However, it doesn't make up for what seemed like an hour or so of people travelling on horseback. I'd walk quickly past this a hunchbacked Sasquatch manner to mock it.


Perhaps the biggest mystery to me about
him is "does he sh*t in the woods".


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